Perspectives of a Nomad

Cool Debut Album

2008-06-09T16:10:00.004-04:00

A friend sent me a set of instructions to create my own debut album, and the results came out really nicely (although I had a bit of a struggle posting the photo here). Check it out, and create your own.

ETH Zurich: To Music and Silence

Want your own debut? Here's the instructions

1 - Go to en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
I got ETH Zurich, a science and technology university in Switzerland.

2 - Go to Random Quotations: www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote of the page is the title of
your first album.
From Edith Sitwell, "My personal hobbies are reading, listening to music, and silence". I personally would have used 3 words, Music and Silence, but so be it.

If you want to do this again, you'll have to hit refresh to generate
new quotes, because clicking the quotes link again will just give you
the same quotes over and over again.

3 - Go to flickr's "explore the last seven days"
http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/34989657@N00/2557184007/. This was hard to paste over, but the photo is from Gabriele Lopez, and it's awesome, especially in pristine format. Check the link and see more of his stuff, he really has talent.

Put it all together, that's your debut album.

Darkness

2007-12-30T03:07:00.000-05:00

Today I’m weary beyond words. Perhaps it’s the hard work I put in all semester to pick up grades in grad school. Maybe it’s the difficulty I’ve had sleeping of late. It may be the emotional stress of watching the people I love the most detach from me. Or maybe it’s the unknown issue that my subconscious knows but I have not realized yet.

But regardless of the reason, my exhaustion grows. I went to two meetings today; the first I could barely stay awake in, the second; I couldn’t even achieve that, falling asleep constantly and waking up nearly immediately, falling over in my chair and letting out occasional snores.

I long to talk to my best friend about this, but she needs her space. It would be wonderful to have her say something comforting, to tell me that it’s all going to be ok, but that’s not my, destiny for today. It would be great to have a family to lean on, but that is not my destiny either. Today, I have my higher power, my steps and my fellowship, and that is all.

Even as I type this my eyes close. I grow weary with the weight of all that has befallen me. Part of me thinks my load would be lightened by a drink, but I know that a short time later my payload would be tripled. I need to use these tools, and deal with the task at hand. That is my destiny for today.

I admit it, I’m scared to close my eyes, scared of the darkness, scared of never waking up again, a path that was so welcome for so long, and that I fight against today. But I must close my eyes, staying alert is no longer a question of will, there is a will all its own. And I must submit to it. I am powerless!

And so I close my eyes, and the darkness closes in around me. Maybe for tonight, maybe for longer. Maybe it will be the darkness of sleep, maybe it will be the darkness of loneliness, and maybe it will be the darkness of death. But the darkness is here, no matter what I say. The darkness surrounds me, consumes me. And though I pray for light, darkness is all I find.

Monkey Traps

2007-12-29T09:44:00.000-05:00

I was told the story of the monkey traps the other day in a meeting the other day, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. What bobbles have trapped me in my life? What insignificant trinkets lead me towards certain destruction?

In Africa, monkey hunters will take a coconut and drill a hole in it, wide enough to fit a monkey’s open hand, but not wide enough for a monkey’s clenched fist. The coconut is anchored to a tree, and a shiny object is put inside the coconut, normally something like a worthless pebble.

Time and time again, the monkey comes along, sees the shiny object, and has to have it. He sticks his hand in the coconut with ease, grabs the trinket, and now is trapped. He is unwilling to let go of the shiny object, despite the growing fear of being trapped. Even when the hunters show up to gather the caught monkey, he won’t let go of his prize.

Now, I know people talk up this evolution thing, but I’m not far up on the evolutionary ladder from the monkey. There are quite a few trinkets which, upon taking hold of, I will not let go, even as they lead to my demise.

At first, I thought the trinkets were drugs and alcohol, consistent plagues in my life. Yet, on further reflection, these are more aspects of the trap, probably the tree, holding me in place once the trap has been triggered. No, the trinket I must have is subtler than this, though worth much more.

I almost thought that women were the object of my desire, and here I was closer. But this was a superficial view, as I could not see the forest through the trees. Yes, women are a huge part of the attraction inside the coconut, but they are more the shine than the object itself, and other shines are available as well.

No, I discovered my shiny object is acceptance! Acceptance by a woman, acceptance by a group, a feeling of belonging, a feeling like I’m not an outcast, like I’m not hated, here lies my shiny bobble, and for that feeling I would remained trapped for the rest of my life without even fretting any potential ramifications.

For that special feeling of not being alone in the world, of not being isolated or unloved, I would take any risk, whether it is being trapped by the tree or at the mercy of my addictions. Because the feeling of emptiness that comes with being alone is a fate worse than death in my perception.

Today that is changing. I am beginning to feel a bit more comfortable being alone. I am also just starting to realize that I may belong, that I may be accepted, more than I truly understand. Slowly but surely, I can resist that trap, because I know that I already have what’s in the coconut.

Yeah, sometimes my paw still gets caught. Yes, sometimes I’m put at peril as I seek out the close friends or the overall acceptance that I’ve always wanted for myself. But more and more, I see that by not needing the trinket in the hole, it comes to me on its own.

Inequality: A Rape Victim Shows How Saudi Arabian Women Face Constant Injustice

2007-11-21T15:18:00.000-05:00

I try to keep an open mind when it comes to alternative religious and political agendas, and to remember that just because another culture’s morals don’t match my moral convictions doesn’t mean that culture is necessarily evil or wrong; it just means we have different perspectives.

Still, this headline challenges my desire to be open minded!

A woman, in Saudi Arabia, who was engaged at the time to a man she had never met, was gang raped by seven men over a year ago. But worse yet, she has been brutalized again, this time by the Saudi Arabian government, who has punished her in multiple ways for being attacked.

The saga begins with a 18-year-old Saudi Arabian woman preparing for her arranged marriage and relocation to the United States with a 24-year-old Muslim American business man. The woman was contacted by a man claiming to have pictures of her, and requiring blackmail to return the photos. The photos were not compromising in nature, but were embarrassing, and the woman agreed to pay to keep her family’s honor intact.

She agreed to meet the blackmailer to purchase the photo. They met at a mall in Qatif, and were preparing for the exchange when a group of seven men abducted the pair from the mall. The woman was raped by all of the men, while the blackmailer was left untouched. At present the blackmailer has not been linked to the attack, and remains a free man.

The trial, in October of 2006, was a perfect example of the victim being on trial. She was forced to wait through the proceedings in a room with the rapists, who made offensive gestures at her regularly. One of the three judges had an issue with her lawyer, a human rights activist Abdulrahman al-Lahim, and eventually removed him from the trial, leaving her without a lawyer.

The seven men were sentenced to between 10 months and five years in prison for the attack. But surprisingly, the woman was also sentenced to 90 lashes for having met with an unrelated male, clearly indicting the woman for her own rape.

Al-Lahim felt that the punishment of the seven men was too short, indicating the attack constitutes Hiraba, or sinful violent crimes, and the punishment should be death, as indicated by the standing fatwa (edict) against Hiraba. Al-Lahim filed an appeal under these grounds, not even addressing the injustice of the woman’s lashes.

The court did not take the same attitude. They extended the prison sentences of the rapists to between two and nine years, nearly doubling the prison sentences for the attackers. But the court also doubled the sentence of the woman, giving her 200 lashes and a six month prison sentence, citing her contact with the media regarding the case. Al-Lahim has been stripped of his license to practice law, and faces a judiciary ethics hearing.

Saudi Arabia maintains many strict Islamic laws with regards to the rights of women. They must maintain a strict dress code, they aren’t allowed to drive, and require permission from a man to travel or have surgery. They are not allowed to testify in court except when not observed by a man, and they are not permitted to vote.

The Saudi government claims to have bettered the situation for women by creating courts to handle domestic abuse cases, creating labor law for woman workers, and establishing a human rights commission. And I admit these are all good steps. But in my mind, people are people, and everyone should be equal, and that includes women.

Of course, here’s where I find it difficult to maintain my belief that each culture has a right to its own beliefs. Fundamentally, I believe that no government has the right to pass laws that make any individual a second class citizen simply because of characteristics outside their control, such as religion, skin color, or sex. But I also have to admit that my values do not necessarily carry over into other cultures.

So where is the line? At what point do we say that something is a fundamental truth and must be recognized in all cultures, where as other things are variables that every culture has the right to decide on for them selves. All I do know definitively is that I am not qualified to define that line, though I can comment when I believe that one culture has crossed it.

When Fear Trumps Freedom

2007-11-20T11:02:00.000-05:00

The House overwhelmingly passed HR1955, The Violent Radicalization of Homegrown Terrorism Prevention Act, sending this very controversial bill to the Senate. The loose definitions, unchecked appointments and broad powers provided by this bill make it potentially the most dangerous attack on freedom in the United States since the country’s conception.

HR 1955 has been developed under the basic conception that there is an equal or greater risk of a terrorist attack from a US citizen as there is from a foreign national, and that the government has to protect against this possibility. That makes a great deal of sense to me. This country is a melting pot, where individual loyalties differ greatly, and individuals may and will use terrorism to advance their political agenda.

But while an argument can definitely be made for safeguards against domestic terrorism, care has to be taken that these safeguards do not change the fundamental nature of our freedom. This is certainly not the case here.

HR 1955 utilizes very loose definitions on the threats to American society, so that nearly anything can be investigated. The bill utilizes this definition of violent radicalization: “The process of adopting or promoting an extremist belief system to advance political, religious, or social change.”

This definition, upon which the bill is centered, is loose enough to include nearly any activity where people question the standing government. While the name mentions violence, the definition does not. So promoting a political party other than the party in power could fit in this definition. Promoting the morals of a given religion would also be taboo. Basically, anything which disrupts the status quo could merit investigation.

Under this definition, I would be worthy of investigation for a few reasons. As a Jew, I represent a different morality than Christianity, and some fundamentalist Christians (who do have a say in the current power structure) would consider that extreme. As a democrat, I certainly would be seen as maintaining a disparate belief system than the sitting government. Thus, I merit investigation under this definition.

The bill indicates a 10-person panel will be created to investigate these potential threats, as well as a “center for excellence”. However, these appointments will be made by the sitting president and director of homeland security, without peer review. This is fraught with danger, as a president can essentially create a panel that represents any ideology he wants to promote to police the entire society.

Plus, this panel will have extraordinary power, as it will be allowed to order surveillance on any individual, institute wire tapping and monitoring, and even detain individuals indefinitely without a hearing or even charges being pressed. Thus, if you happen to have a different set of views as the sitting government, they can have you investigated and ultimately plucked out of society without you having committed an overt act.

To me, this bill smacks of McCarthyism. It provides the government with a powerful tool to attack any dissenters, and has the potential to be utilized by any government to retain power by eliminating any real opposition. It threatens democracy at its core, and can’t help but remind me of Cold War Russia, where individuals were afraid to speak their own opinions for fear of being detained by the KGB.

I agree wholeheartedly that there is a growing threat of terrorism from US citizens, and that action should be taken to help prevent that. But at what point have we destroyed what makes our society great to protect it from our adversaries? When do we realize that terrorists have won simply by eliminating the freedom we hold dear? This bill threatens what America stands for, and provides a clear and present danger to the vision of our forefathers.

And the Weight Lifts…

2007-11-19T03:07:00.000-05:00

I never imagined the workload of going back to school. Papers sometimes as long as 30 pages, hundreds of pages of reading every week, and this eternal feeling like, if I just spent a bit longer, worked a bit harder, I might do better in class, and achieve my goals. It all takes on a huge meaning in my eyes, probably much greater than it should.

Add on the responsibility of a new class to teach, two new jobs, the growing pains of the radio station, and the daily work that goes into recovery, and I’ve got quite a bit on my shoulders. Don’t get me wrong, I have no illusions that I have the toughest schedule around, or that my life is at all more hectic than so many people out there. But I do feel the additional pressures, and they weigh on me.

Until today!

Today was the last day of teaching for a couple weeks. I also have no classes this week, leaving me for the first time in a while with none of the responsibilities that play a constant role in my life. And as a result, I feel this tremendous weight taken off my shoulders. I know the weight will be back in a week, but for this week, it feels great!

This short pause is giving me a moment to look back at what I’ve accomplished over the past few months, and how far I’ve come. I feel stronger than I ever have, I’m really enjoying life with a clear head, and my new career path puts me in a position to really make a difference in people’s lives for the first time in my life. Beyond my wildest dreams!

Of course there have been disappointments along the way. I’ve felt alone during this period, spending a ton of time by myself. I don’t get to blog as much as I used to, or to get my feelings out, and frankly I love to write. Plus, I just don’t get the time to stop and enjoy the little things in life like I used to. So during this short break I’m going to work at all of those facets of my life.

The truth is that when I come back to classes in two weeks, I only have 3 weeks left in the semester. What’s more, I have a bit more than a week before I reach the year point in my recovery, a major milestone that I’ve been looking forward to.

The hope is that after I pass these milestones, I’ll have a better understanding of what it takes to succeed at all my tasks, and be able to find a better balance. So in many ways, I see the light at the end of the tunnel as I head in to the end of the semester. But I’m very thankful to have a week here to enjoy some of the aspects of life that haven’t been addressed as much over the past few months. And this is a total blessing!

A Bit of Help Please

2007-10-25T01:53:00.000-04:00

Hello readers,

Tonight I’m going to make a plea for some assistance. As many of you know, I got into a masters program at the University of Rochester on a non-matriculating basis. I am going back to school in drug and alcohol counseling, as I work towards a career change that I hope will allow me to help many other people who suffer from the same disease I do.

I am now applying for matriculating status, a necessity if I am to continue on my path. As a result, I have to turn in an application next Thursday for full acceptance into this program from the University of Rochester. As a result, I must write a 2-4 page personal statement, addressing my goals, future plans, experiences, etc. This is where you come in.

It is recommended that I find as many people as possible to review this essay before submitting it, and as such I’m hoping that my friends here on MySpace will help review the personal statement. It should be completed sometime tonight or tomorrow, and at that time I would like to send it to anyone who wouldn’t mind reviewing it and sending back some comments.

Don’t feel obligated at all. I know that everyone here leads busy lives, and that most don’t have a whole lot of spare time. But if you have a few minutes and could help review my personal statement, please let me know here, and I’ll send it your direction as soon as it’s completed.

Thank you in advance for all your help, and I look forward to whatever viewpoints and suggestions you can provide.

All the best,

Scott

The Value of Peer Support Networks in Recovery

2007-10-25T01:52:00.000-04:00

In one of my classes, my main project is to create a mock research proposal studying one area of interest to me. I have decided to study the affects of peer support on recovery from addiction.

My theory is simple: I believe that people in recovery programs, such as alcoholics anonymous, have a much better chance of staying sober if they develop peer support groups that meet outside of the meeting. If people inside of the rooms can develop groups of friends from inside the rooms, and if these groups spend time together outside of meetings, all members will have a better chance of remaining sober.

This has certainly been true to some extent in my program. When I first came into the program, there were a group of us that would go out to dinner 4 or 5 nights a week. We would talk about life, about our challenges, and about what we had heard in the meeting that night. Occasionally we would do other activities, like going to hear live music or heading to the renaissance fair. And I always felt I could call these people in a pinch.

At about 4 months, my best friend in the program moved away, and the three women from the group decided to focus on spending time with other women. As my support network collapsed, it was only a couple weeks before I relapsed. This is not to say that it was anyone’s fault that I relapsed, but I think that the support network certainly helped me stay sober.

After my relapse, I developed a new support group which included people with varying lengths of sobriety. Now the old-timers were able to help people younger in the program, like myself. We helped each other, going to meals, reading together, hitting a wide variety of meetings, and always available to one another.

Another group of people I know came into the program at the same time, all of them in their late 20s or 30s. They go to meals, have small parties, celebrate anniversaries, and are there for each other all the time. Each 1 year anniversary has met with the whole group getting together to celebrate and support each other, and they are in constant communication.

In my first group, the 3 women just passed their one year anniversary. My best friend, who moved to Memphis, found his own group down there, and passed two years recently. Only I relapsed. In the new group that formed, all 6 of us have stayed sober since then. Despite some troubled times, we all have each other to lean on, and have remained sober. And in the other group mentioned, 11 people have passed the one year mark over the past 6 months, and none have relapsed.

Considering the statistics we hear in the room constantly, 1 in 35 people remaining sober in the program, it seems more than apparent that people with strong peer support networks are able to maintain their sobriety better than people who only spend time with other people in recovery while in the rooms.

Anyway, these are my observations, and I hope one day to show the importance of peer support networks, and to help people realize the importance of these networks in their programs. What do you think? How have these networks helped your program? I’m looking forward to your thoughts.

While I Wasn’t Looking, Happiness Snuck Up On Me

2007-10-24T02:37:00.000-04:00

It’s been nearly a week now that I’ve been down in the dumps, with a million things, some minor, some major, weighing on my mind. I had almost thought I had forgotten how to smile. But when I stopped pressing, stopped looking for the answer to my troubles, the answer appeared on its own.

The feeling wasn’t completely unprompted. I’ve been praying more, and not for my angst to be removed, but for understanding of God’s will and the strength to do it. I wrote a blog post and spoke at a meeting, fighting pride to experience the relief of owning up to my feelings. I met with my sponsor today, which is always a positive experience, examining the issues in depth. I even chaired a meeting, hopefully helping another person.

But perhaps the biggest thing I did was focus my attention away, ceasing to look at the problems in my life and simply accepting them as exactly the way God meant it to be this week. I taught, I read for class, read my big book, catalogued songs in my music library for my radio station, made speaker disks for my home group, reached out to other members of the fellowship. It was a busy day, but a productive day as well.

And as I sat down for a chat meeting with the other owners of my radio station, an amazing thing happened: I laughed! Not the forced laugh that you do to make someone feel like you’re alright, but the belly laugh that comes naturally and unbidden. One owner, who was on the phone with me, was startled, and said it was about time she heard that. I couldn’t agree more.

I guess that’s the trick; the less I focus on the issues that plague me, the more I accept life on life’s terms, the happier I am. The big book says that “acceptance is the answer to all my problems today”, and I feel myself being more accepting all the time. But perhaps the lesson I needed from this past week was a further lesson in acceptance, a lesson which I received loud and clear.

I’m heading to bed now, and I couldn’t be happier!

Grad School Meets Life – Escaping My Story

2007-09-20T01:44:00.000-04:00

As many people know, I’ve gone back to school, to a masters program to become a addiction counselor, and in a short time I’ve come to understand that a great deal of what I learn will really pertain to my own life, and open some doors for me that my program may never have addressed. This week, one of those doors into my soul was opened, and I learned something crucial about myself. So I’m going to share it with you.

I’m reading a book by William C. Madsen on Collaborative Therapy, and its fascinating reading. Madsen indicates that each person, healthy or sick, creates a story for themselves. The story defines the teller, determines the teller’s reality. It is the image a person chooses to project to the people around him, and it may be more or less accurate depending on the person. Regardless, it’s how the person sees himself.

The individual has many experiences, the events that comprise his life. Naturally, the person determines which of these experiences to include in his story, which fit in with the person he’s trying to be. An experience outside of the scope of the story will be forgotten. And an experience inside the scope of the story will be retold, perhaps even stretched to reinforce or enhance the person’s story.

But here’s the thing, and this really got inside my head; once the person has determined his story, and found the experiences that fit with his story, he may unconsciously shape future experiences to jive with his story as well.

OK, a bit confusing, right? I’ll use myself as an example, and maybe it will come clearer.

When I was young, I was in a car accident; the accident nearly killed both my sister and I, but we both survived. Before that I had been an athlete, but following the accident I was told I would never walk again, let alone run. At that time, all I had worked for was removed from me, and I took on the role of the victim. That was my story, and now, looking back, I see that many times my feeling the victim influenced the outcome of experiences I faced.

Alternatively, I could have recognized that, but for a small miracle, I would be dead, and be grateful for the gift of life. If I had taken this perspective, I think that my life would have been very different to date. For one thing, I have had many near-death incidents since then, and since my story was that I was cursed, these experiences became examples of my being cursed. They could have instead been examples of my being blessed, as I see them now.

The crazy thing is, I always thought that, to get out of my story, I needed to look at the events in my life and find their roots. But Madsen disagrees. He believes that, to change our story, we have to find our goal, how we want our lives to be, and then work to make our experiences fit into this story. Individual incidents do get analyzed, but with an eye towards the long-term goals and the story we want to tell.

This is what I’m working towards today. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not there yet. But I see where my story has dictated my perception of the experiences that have befallen me, and thus influenced the outcome of these experiences. I am learning to rethink my story, and to reshape my experiences to fit the story I want to tell as my life. And this is a step in the right direction.

How about you? What is your story, and how has it affected the events in your life, and the way you perceive yourself? Looking at this may provide great insights on your life and the role you’ve played in events you thought you had no part in, just like it has provided me with these insights. Who knows, it may even help you find a story that is beyond your wildest dreams. That is rapidly becoming my story today, and I couldn’t be happier!

The Radio Station Comes to Life: An Awesome Weekend!

2007-09-19T00:25:00.000-04:00

On August 8th, having not heard from my co-owner in months, amidst serious technical issues that couldn’t be resolved without some passwords held by the co-owner, bleeding money and watching our streaming company shut their doors, BigDawgRadio shut its doors, and Caravan Radio was born. We didn’t have the name then, but we had a team, a theme, and a goal. And that was far more than we had before.

Caravan was based on the premise that we would be a team of equals, working together towards the creating of a truly unique station. The station would feature a variety of genres, with a variety of live DJs to engage the listener. And that is the key, as far as we were concerned; a radio station totally for the listeners and all about the listeners, with requests, dedications, chat rooms, interactions, and just a generally good time for all.

And this weekend, that is exactly what we had! Live DJs all day and evening all 3 days, double digit listeners the whole time, the chat rooms packed, and request after request after request. For me, it was totally a blast. I would go into the chat rooms, and all these people would welcome me, joke with me and make me feel welcome. For a person who has difficulty socializing and winds up as a loner most of the time, it was awesome!

Sure, it didn’t go perfectly. We had so many listeners that we exceeded our transfer quota at one point, and had to contact someone from our hosting company to get the stream working again. And there were slight slips along the way, like me finishing one show with the same song that the next DJ started with, or one of my fellow DJs calling the station by the old name, BigDawgRadio. But none of it mattered; it was a ton of fun.

Plus, this is just the beginning. We have more in the works, and it seems like every day is a new adventure. We have new DJs starting to enter into the mix. We’re talking about contests and games. And now we’re even putting together a technology that will allow users to call into a show and go on the air using a program called Skype. It’s free, and listeners can make their own dedications to other listeners.

So it’s exciting, exciting the way any brand new project should be. I love the new station, and all the people who are working with me to make it a reality. It’s an awesome environment, and I’m so glad to be a part of it. And it all really started to come to fruition this past weekend. Does it get any better than that?

Hatred and Intolerance

2007-09-08T02:47:00.000-04:00

If it’s one thing I just don’t get, its blind hatred. I can understand meeting someone and not liking them. I can even understand not liking what a person stands for or their principles. But how can a person hate another person just because of their race, creed, religion or color? Why hurt a person just because they are different?

I try to practice acceptance today, because without acceptance I’m doomed to relive the expectations that will eventually lead me to my destruction. Sometimes that’s harder than others, and sometimes I may not have expectations but desires for how I would like things to work out. But without fail I’m unable to handle blind hatred.

Tonight I was confronted with hatred in pretty brutal fashion. A person on a message board I frequent was offending many people, and I talked to him a bit about acceptance for other people’s perspectives. His response was this:

I hope you know that wearing black out in the sunlight doesn’t make you look thin. Gluttony is a sin. Even for Jews. Don't presume to know what Jesus thought you arrogant fatman.

You do not respect my beliefs. You Jews killed Jesus and you hate Christians. Just like we hate you. I thought Hitler gassed you fuckers. You probably got away because there wasn't an oven big enough for you.

Jesus didn't have a problem prostelatizing, its what got him killed you idiot. What he was against was the church using religion and control to keep people from knowing God. Think twice before you open your big mouth next time.

I was devastated by it. I knew that I should be able to ignore him, that he has problems and I should not by into his issues. And yet it got to me. It ruined my mood, effected me all evening, brought back various times I had been persecuted in my life for being Jewish and that feeling of being less than just for being myself.

It had already been a tough day for some other reasons, and I was wrecked. It got inside my head, and I couldn’t stop the squirrel circling in the cage. I wanted someone to just tell me it was going to be alright, that I would be alright, that I am alright despite what this person thinks, but that was not in the cards for tonight.

And maybe that’s the lesson I need to learn: to be able to tell myself that I’m alright. But it isn’t happening, at least not yet. Not through prayer, through helping other members of my fellowship, not even through a meal with friends. I just can’t seem to get it out of my head, and even now I sit up in the middle of the night thinking about his words.

Somehow I need to learn to deal with this blind hatred. Somehow I need to learn how to tune out people who haven’t taken the time to hear who I am beyond the most superficial aspects of my life. And if I can do that, if I can accomplish that goal, I think I’ll live a happier, healthier, more serene life.

Back to School

2007-09-06T01:35:00.000-04:00

Tonight was my first class in my masters program, and I must say, it was an amazing experience.

I haven’t been a student for 17 years, so it was scary walking into that room, book bag in hand, to study a topic that is so divergent from any I’ve studied before. The move from business to counseling is a huge move, and many times the terminology was as foreign to me as any of the languages I’ve learned over the years.

But after a short amount of time I began to realize just how wonderful and exciting it is to again be in an environment where everyone is learning. During class, we looked at the topic, critical research in proving social theories, from a variety of different perspectives, and discussed the various ramifications of different methodologies. What fun!

After class, a group of us walked together for a bit, and discussed some of the material from class. We were excited by the subject matter, and wanted to better understand what we had heard and learned. Soon the subject of our discussion was much broader than the class’ scope and far more satisfying as well.

Yes, I found myself somewhat behind the class because of my lack of experience or education in a related field. And yes, it was odd being much older than the vast majority of the class. But moving back into a realm of higher learning was invigorating, and I am truly excited to see where it will lead me.

So I’m a student again. It’s scary, but it’s fun; in all, it’s beyond my wildest dreams!

Practicing What I Preach: Acceptance

2007-08-30T02:09:00.000-04:00

On of the key goals of my sobriety has been to be more accepting. I am learning, often the hard way, that it is none of my business what others think of me, that I am powerless over the events happening around me, and that the more I accept, the happier I am. There has been some times recently where my acceptance has been put to the test.

Last night, I was having an amazing evening. I had a long conversation with my mother, a sign of a new level of communication between us, which included an amazing and unexpected complement. I worked with a couple of newcomers in my fellowship and really felt like I made a difference; one asked me to sponsor him. I cooked a great dinner for a great friend, Indian food, and it came out perfectly. Life was great!

And then the call came!

The number on the cell phone was withheld, and when I first picked it up I couldn’t understand the person on the other end of the phone. A couple times I asked for the person to speak clearer, and finally indicated that I was going to hang up. Then the voice came through loud and clear: stupid kike! It said. I was called a money grubbing Jew, a Christ killer, and that I deserved to die.

It was like I was paralyzed, stuck in my tracks. As the person hung up, I couldn’t move. I was overwhelmed; I didn’t know how to process the call. I have experienced anti-Semitism before, it’s certainly nothing new to me at all, but so many times I’ve pushed my feelings down with alcohol and drugs. Now I was feeling it. Now I was going through the pain instead of going around it. And believe me, it hurt.

Consciously I knew that this was out of my control, and I just have to accept it. Some are sicker than others, and it is none of my business what others think of me. But that wasn’t what I was feeling at all. What I was feeling was fear, and hatred, and self-loathing at my weakness. I was jumping to conclusions as to who made the call, and immediately taking their inventory. It was like I had done no work on myself at all over this year.

By myself, I think that I could have slipped back to my old ways, maybe not to using, but certainly to old attitudes and old behaviors, and that can’t be healthy. But instead, the people in my fellowship rallied around me, and helped support me. I can’t tell you why I felt so weak, or why I needed to be supported, but they were there for me, and helped me move back towards the new Scott, the person I want to be.

Every day I feel like I am growing, learning, becoming a better person, and so much of that has to do with the people around me. I have great friends and wonderful people in the fellowship. I care for and love so many people around me today, not only because of who they are but because of who they help me to be. With their help, I am getting better each day at practicing what I preach.

Image from Danny Sheffield

Capote and the Good and Evil in My Soul

2007-08-26T01:54:00.000-04:00

I just watched a film called Capote, about author Truman Capote and his book “In Cold Blood”. The movie was reminiscent of my favorite author, Stephen King, in that both get a stunningly accurate view of human nature by analyzing the darker side of human nature and comparing it to a more “accepted” values system.

“In Cold Blood” centers on the murder of a family in a sleepy Kansas community that had never been exposed to this type of violence. The movie shows that Capote’s work is a blueprint for understanding the growing divide between the moral and immoral segments of society. And by looking in the face of immorality, it breaks new ground. From the movie:

On the night of November 14th, two men broke into a quiet farmhouse in Kansas and murdered an entire family. Why did they do that? Two worlds exist in this country: the quiet conservative life, and the life of those two men - the underbelly, the criminally violent. Those two worlds converged that bloody night.

I do not believe that society is nearly so black and white. I think that all people have some morality, and all people have some immorality, and we are only talking about degrees. Which, of course, begs the question of what degree of morality or immorality I possess? What’s more, it raises the question of whether the degree of morality can change during the course of an individual’s life. Another quote from the movie:

It's as if Perry [one of the murderers] and I grew up in the same house. And one day he stood up and went out the back door, while I went out the front.

That one certainly had me thinking. I don’t think I went out the back door at all, but during my years of drinking and drugging, I certainly seemed to have exited a side door, or something of the sort. Hell, maybe I climbed out of a window. Meanwhile, you look at my sister, an extraordinary individual who came out of the same house as I did (though she left before the wicked stepfather entered) and I can’t help but wonder what went wrong.

When Perry finally spoke about the night of the murder, some morality showed through. He never had any intention of killing the family, and when his partner spoke of no witnesses, he hoped the family would be left alive. He tried to make the family as comfortable as possible while tied up. And he prevented his partner from taking advantage of the daughter. But suddenly a look by the father triggered one of Perry’s childhood issues, and almost unconsciously he began killing the family.

Similarly, I often felt that I knew right from wrong. But when my issues are triggered, I find myself powerless to do the right thing. Does the fact that my actions are triggered from childhood issues make me not responsible for my actions? Absolutely not, as Capote shows with the death sentence being carried out upon the two murderers. But I can see where they come from, and what will happen if I don’t change my ways, and exit by the correct door now.

I think that, in general, I’m a good person. But the good hasn’t always won out over the evil in this journey of my life. Each day I need to strive to be a better person, and to improve upon my role in this world. And maybe, one day, I can find the front door, and join my sister in being a strong and moral contributor to the world.

Image from The Zippy Catholic.

Caravan Radio Coming To Life

2007-08-24T01:49:00.000-04:00

One of my projects, perhaps the project I enjoy the most, is the creating of a radio station, called Caravan Radio. We have been building it for a month or so, after our last station had to fold. Finally, the station is coming together.

Today, we got back several of our key DJs, and that was a huge step forward. The goal is to have live DJs every night, representing different genres, but all being responsive to the listeners with requests, dedications, basically making it the listeners’ station. Now, getting back these DJs, we will be able to cover all nights, as well as covering a broad range of musical genres. That’s great stuff!

Plus, we have just commissioned a firm to do the last work on our web site. Request pages are on the way, where you will be able to go to a page, see all the song in a particular DJ’s library, and choose the song you want to hear. If there is no live DJ, the song will come on automatically in a few minutes. If there is a live DJ, he’ll work the song into the mix.

Plus, we’re adding Skype to our software, allowing listeners to call in to a particular radio show and go on the air. We’ll also be able to have two DJs interacting with the Skype system, which will really enhance shows like the Monday Love Line, where DJs address the love issues of our listeners from both a male and female perspective. And dedications will be great with Skype, with listeners sending personal messages to other listeners.

It’s a really exciting time, and I’m very excited to see it coming together. Hopefully, Labor Day weekend or the weekend after will be our grand opening, though we’re already broadcasting now. And soon enough, my goals and the goals of the team will be realized, as Caravan Radio becomes the station we all hope it can be.

This really is a labor of love, and I’m psyched it’s coming together. If you feel like being part of the family, tune in, we’d love to have you. Caravan Radio: Where the Music is a Journey!

Feel Like You Belong?

2007-08-21T02:14:00.000-04:00

I was at a meeting tonight where a topic is picked from a basket and everyone comments on it. The topic picked was “Feel Like You Belong?” At first, I thought it was asking if I felt like I belonged at that particular meeting, which I was already questioning. But soon I realized this was a more general question: Do I feel like I belong? Do I fit in? And the question was far more complex for me than I would have ever imagined.

My first thought is that I never feel like I belong; I always feel like a misfit, like I’m just a bit different from all the other people around me, that I’m never comfortable in any situation. But that’s not exactly the truth, and true growth is only going to come from rigorous honesty.

The truth is that I desperately want to fit in, and as time goes on I fit in more and more. However, when it appears I’m starting to fit in I sabotage my efforts and fitting in, and separate myself. Now that I look at it, I could fit in if I wanted to, and consciously I think that I want to. But part of me won’t let myself fit in, won’t let myself be comfortable.

Probably my earliest memories are of kindergarten. During recess, the boys and the girls would go out to the yard, and the boys would chase the girls around. I determined that the boys were wrong for doing this, so I started to defend the girls, separating myself from the group.

I had no idea at that time, but I was a natural leader. Soon, two of the boys started helping me, protecting the girls. Then there were five boys, and then ten. Pretty soon there were twenty-five boys protecting the girls and ten chasing them, and I was clearly leading the protectors. That was the cue for me to leave the game and start playing a new game by myself. The kids followed me to that game, and again I moved on. And so on.

Another great example was my move to Israel. For those of you who don’t know, there are some native English speakers in Israel, but not a ton. You can find pockets of them at the various colleges, but most of the rest are spread out, to some extent. Since us “Americaitz” maintain a serious stigma in Israel, I was destined to be an outcast.

That wasn’t how it worked out, however. Again, people gravitated towards me. Soon, American Jews from all around the country were coming to Tel Aviv to have Shabbat dinner at my apartment, and we would all cook together, and handle the pressures that Israel holds for foreigners. People from outer countries than the States started coming to these dinners, and the New Olim Society was founded.

The only real purpose for the New Olim Society was a bit of fellowship between people in similar situations. We would have dinners, go to the movies, have parties, whatever, just as long as we didn’t have to be alone in the country. More and more of these people were moving to Tel Aviv, and again I belonged, and was even at the center of the group. Of course, that made it the perfect time to move to Jerusalem.

I’ve lived in twenty-six cities over the past fifteen years, most of them pretty dissimilar from my native Philadelphia. In just about all of them I haven’t fit in when I got there, and in each city I’ve become more accepted as time went on, until I did really belong. But once that time arrived, I always felt like, for some reason, it was time for me to move on.

Why do I feel this way? Someone at the meeting suggested that, for him, he resisted fitting in because of low self esteem. It just seemed more natural to him to be an outcast, not worthy of other people’s positive attention. I suppose that is the reason I have resisted belonging as well. For me, being the outcast is comfortable, and being unworthy of acceptance fit in pretty well with my own self-image.

Today, I’ve been living in Rochester, NY for two years, the longest time I’ve spent in one city since college. The city, ironically enough, is beginning to feel like home for me, and I’ve been searching for a home for years. And I do feel like I belong in the recovery community here, which is large, diverse, and I believe filled with amazing and very special people.

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, or if I truly have become comfortable enough with myself to feel like I belong anywhere. But without question, tonight was a night of revelations about myself, and a time where I identified a major defect of character that I need to work on. That in and of itself is a huge step forward, and I hope it’s a step I can build upon in the future.

The Director, The Actor….and the Reactor

2007-08-17T01:23:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite sections in the Big Book is about the Director and the Actor. It basically says that, as alcoholics, we want to both direct everything going on around us while also being the lead actor in the unfolding drama. The book indicates that often our motives are both good and bad, but that we search for the perfect outcome to every situation, and only fail to find that perfect ending because of the actions of other players.

Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery, and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous, even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.

I was certainly both the director and the lead actor. I considered myself altruistic, trying to make life better for everyone. I thought that if people only followed my script, everyone’s lives would turn out better. I could change the world, one person at a time, if only people would listen to me. And do what I say. And revolve around me. Believe me, this was the height of my self-centeredness.

Yep, I played both roles perfectly. I directed a perfect show, as perfectly scripted as any ever seen. I acted perfectly as well, spectacular pronunciation, always hitting my queues. I was right where I needed to be at all times, doing whatever was necessary to make everything meet my standards. And my standards were nothing short of perfection, always!

Only when I joined AA did I realize that I was wrong just for playing the roles. Control is an illusion, and the more control I exercise, the less happiness I will maintain. Control comes with expectations, and rarely (if ever) are those expectations met. True happiness comes with avoiding expectations, and taking life as it comes. Expectations only lead to resentments and disappointment.

Recently I joined another program called Adult Children of Alcoholics, or ACoA, which is an offshoot of Al-Anon. I didn’t really consider myself a child of an alcoholic, but certainly alcoholism is present in my family, and the traits of the ACoA are traits with are prevalent in me. But a funny thing happened to me during today’s ACoA meeting: I discovered a new role in the play: The Reactor!

For every director and every actor in the plays created by alcoholics, there are a number of other characters, with roles ranging from bit parts to leading roles. Each of these characters is a reactor, reacting to the direction and acting of the alcoholic. The more time a person spends as a reactor to the alcoholic, the more the reactor develops defense mechanisms to deal with the abuse the alcoholic issues out.

These defense mechanisms are the tools we needed to survive our day to day lives. And they are the character attributes that cripple us today. Isolationism. Unease with authority figures. People pleasing and loss of our own identity. These serve us well when reacting to the alcoholic parent, but do they serve us well today?

Living like victims, with guilt, succumbing to the will of others. Letting others take the initiative, terrified of abandonment, addicted to excitement and drama, loving those we can rescue and those we pity, choosing insecure relationships because they matched our childhood: these are the signs of the reactor! These are the traits of the ACoA.

As an alcoholic, I play the role of the director and the actor. As my program progresses, I do less of that, accepting life as it comes at me, but I’m still far from perfect. I still fall back into those roles. But now I also see that, in so many ways, I play the role of the reactor. It plagues me every day, in every relationship, hell, in every basic interaction.

Only when I get past the traits developed in my role as the reactor will I be able to live the type of serene life that I search for, and have the type of healthy relationships I long for. A new challenge for a new day, right? I will attack this challenge like I have so many others, and maybe one day I will get past this set of inner demons and live a better life.

Expectations

2007-08-13T01:38:00.000-04:00

A friend blogged about expectations tonight, and really it was the perfect topic for me to hear about tonight. I try to avoid expectations like the plague, and I know they will be the death of me in the end, but sometimes they creep into my life. And when they do, they bring me nothing by sorrow.

My expectations are not as grand as my fellow blogger. What it really comes down to is that I want other people to treat me much as I treat them. I try hard to be caring, to help people in need, to be there for those that are hurting, and to be a good friend. So isn’t it fair to expect the same in return?

The truth is that, no, it isn’t fair to expect anything in return.

One of the quotes I hear around the rooms is that if you want to build self esteem, you should do esteemable acts. If you expect something in return, even the smallest thing, then the value of these acts diminishes. And in reality, I wind up feeling ashamed as a result of my expectations, and receive no esteem whatsoever.

Another saying I hear is that expectations are resentments waiting to happen. If I expect things, I am destined to be disappointed. Even the simplest of expectations seem to never come true. But when I can avoid all expectations, and approach situations with no preconceived notion, the results are often beyond my wildest dreams.

Perhaps all I want is a little kindness, a small percentage of the kindness I extend. Maybe I look for some caring, concern about my feelings in times of trouble, as I would do for any other person. Or quite possibly it’s honesty, rigorous honesty, despite the knowledge that I might disapprove, though I rarely would reject an honest plea.

With all these situations, if I had no expectations, my needs may have been met. But instead, my expectations wind up disrupting nice relationships and my own serenity. It hurts the people around me, and myself most of all. And I feel bad for all the people I’ve imposed my expectations upon. I hope they forgive me, as I need to forgive myself.

The Path

2007-08-10T11:50:00.000-04:00

You’re on a path through the woods, long and wide. So wide you can hardly see one side or the other. It’s beautiful, with overhanging trees and occasional wildlife to amaze you at every stride, should you choose to look.

There are occasional rocks and branches that may trip you up, and beautiful flowers that may make you pause on your journey to admire them. But still the path moves forward, and you keep moving, occasionally running to make up for the time lost.

The path bends and winds. It may move east to west or west to east, but only occasionally does it go north or south. You have no compass, save the whisperings in your minds of directions from others long since forgotten. And though you dwell on the direction your heading, you often forget to ask where you are.

Occasionally there is a small path that seems to appear on the left or right. You have only a small idea of their destination or direction. Some go north and some go south, and you cannot tell which is which. Some are not even paths at all, just figments of your imagination, a fool’s errand waiting to happen.

Then you come to the crossroads, huge and vast. You stand in the center, and cannot even see the roads around you. You spin, trying to get an idea where you came from or where you were heading, but no direction is clear. You want the path that heads north, but have no idea which path that is.

One direction you turn will lead back the way you came, another will move forward in the same direction, maintaining the status quo. Some ways you’ll walk the long distance only to find no path exists, though you may see that before getting to the side of the road. One path will head up, the positive path, and one will head down, seemingly towards disaster.

In the crossroad exists the greatest fear, the true uncertainty. And in the crossroad exists the greatest possibility, the true potential for positive change. We choose our path and move forward, perhaps with the help of a higher power, and hope that we choose a path that leads us to where we want to go.

This is life as I see it, and today I am happy to walk this path. Perhaps I will see you along the path, and maybe we will walk it together, maybe for a short time, maybe for longer. But each step, no matter which direction, is something to be thankful for.

Confronting the Past, the Present, and the Darkness Between

2007-08-09T00:33:00.000-04:00

I’ve been working on myself for the past year plus, trying to deal with the demons of my past. I am confronting these demons from a number of different sides, with a number of different methods, and all have been moving me closer and closer to serenity and peace of mind. But to get there, I’ve had to confront so many very tough issues.

Today, that stepped up a level. My mother came into town today, to join with me in all those methods, and hopefully get to a resolution on so many of the issues that involve her. We spent multiple hours today working on our issues with a couple of support networks, that time will triple tomorrow and Friday. Definitely a long weekend.

Now don’t get me wrong, my mother is a very well intentioned woman. She cares for me and loves me, and wants to be as helpful as possible in my recovery and in my life. But she is also controlling, and wields a mighty sword to get her way: she utilizes guilt, and very effectively at that. Hell, she could be a professional guilt artist.

So today, we started discussing issues from our past, with help from professionals and amateurs. My mom brought up case after case of my not doing her will, and laid down guilt trip after guilt trip surrounding these issues. At one point, I lost my cool as she laid it on thicker and thicker. And the whole time I tried to urge her to accept me instead of trying to control me. Not surprisingly that fell on deaf ears.

At the end of one session, a professional made a very pertinent point; he said that there was no question of her manipulation and controlling behavior, but that I was exerting controlling behavior as well, by trying to urge her not to practice that behavior. The reality of that statement was like a slap in the face, and I walked away having learned perhaps the most valuable lesson of the day.

It was a rough day, reliving many memories I had hoped to put behind me. It was also hard to hear how much I had hurt my mom; I know that in many ways she hurt her self by maintaining the expectations that were never realized, and I need feel no guilt for them, but I love my mom very much, and hate to think I was the cause of her pain.

But as rough as the day was, the night is so much worse.

I tried to make calls, to contact the people in my local network, but they were all asleep or heading in that direction. I tried to contact people in my MySpace support network, but no one was around, no one was available to me. And as I shut out the lights to go to sleep, the demons descended upon me, a waking nightmare.

The memories of the past, long forgotten or more recent, are unable to be silenced in the darkness of my room. The fears of my childhood, even my adulthood, filling my every moment with a dread of not only what was done to me but of whom I am. And worst of all, the pain, guilt and shame of having hurt my mom, who I do care for. Real or imagined, that’s what hurts the most.

I got out of bed, unable to sleep, looking for the tool to help get out of my own head. I looked again for someone to talk to, preferably someone with less sobriety than I, and came up blank. I prayed again and again, but couldn’t focus as my thoughts kept drifting to this day. And finally, I decided to write, to get my thoughts on paper and out of my head.

I wish I had a friend to talk to, someone to hug or hold or just to tell me that it would all be alright. I wish I had my serenity more firmly intact, and that I could let these issues just roll off my back. I wish that this was a one day event, and that tomorrow I could have a stress free day. But this is God’s will, and I’m meant to live through it. And hopefully when it’s done, the demons that haunt me will allow me to rest, if only for a short time.

Acceptance, Expectations, and Serenity: Three Great Things That Go Great Together

2007-08-07T01:19:00.000-04:00

You know, it’s been a very challenging week for me, with a series of issues that are both troubling and outside my control. Certainly, I could spend hours and hours fretting over these issues, but that is neither productive nor worthwhile. To maintain my serenity, I need a better way.

I need to strive for acceptance, acceptance that God has a purpose behind everything, and that if I accept God’s will over my own, I have a better chance for serenity. In the end of the day, practicing serenity is far better than bashing my head against the wall trying to change things outside my control.

An old-timer said to me recently that we have no control beyond our own fingertips...and he wasn't talking about the keyboard. What's more, if I can practice true acceptance, without any expectations on others or situations, I wind up less disappointed by the results. Plus, if I can avoid expectations, I won’t get disappointed.

Another person with many 24 hours in the program said that achieving acceptance on any particular issue is possible, but maintaining acceptance, and finding consistency in our life, is the most challenging task in sobriety. As such, I find it so important to work towards acceptance every day, as difficult as that might be.

When an issue gets caught in my mind, especially an issue I have no control over, I tend to rehash it time and again, going over every possibility and potential response, looking for a successful solution. And all the while, I get more and more upset, and my serenity drains from me.

And with each additional possibility comes a new set of expectations. I can play out a conversation in my mind to the utmost extreme, determining even the most trivial of comments and expecting the results I need or want. And of course, when these expectations are not met, I am consistently disappointed.

I must maintain acceptance, avoid expectations, and achieve the serenity that this way of life offers. Only through acceptance and a lack of expectations do I have any chance to maintain my sobriety. And today, there is nothing more important than my sobriety. So I try to practice acceptance whenever possible.

It doesn’t always work, and I have a long way to go before I achieve the consistency that will prevent drama and bring serenity. But at least today I have a better sense of what I need to do to attain long term sobriety, and I’m trying to do the work necessary to make that happen. To me, that’s a step in the right direction.

Power or God: The Jury is Out

2007-08-06T00:18:00.000-04:00

I was listening to a speaker tape the other day of a guy named Mickey B. He was a brilliant speaker, with a great message and a lot of humor. But one thing he said peaked my interest, and left me questioning the first step.

Mickey indicated that he talked to a number of people in the program, and asked each of them what powerless meant to them. All the members of the fellowship talked about inability to control their drinking after taking the first drink, the inability to know where they would end up should they drink, or even lack of control over people, places things and situations.

Much to my surprise, Mickey told all of them that they were wrong!

Mickey had a very different answer. Mickey B believes that powerlessness is a lack of God in one’s life. Now he does believe that any conception of God will do, so long as it makes sense to the fellowship member, because every concept of God, from a Jewish God to a light bulb would all push an alcoholic towards AA. And any God will channel the energy of the fellowship to its members.

To Mickey B, anyone who has a conception of God that makes sense to them is able to feel that energy, greater than the energy of all the individuals there, and the energy helps keep the alcoholic sober. In fact, the alcoholic gets so much energy, that the only way he can utilize it is to give some of that energy away. And thus, he sees the value of helping another alcoholic.

I definitely see the importance of the spiritual aspect of the program, and believe that without spirituality, no member of the fellowship can stay sober. But I know plenty of fellowship members with a God concept that are unable to stay sober. Often these people attempt to live a spiritual life, but never realize their powerlessness over alcohol. They believe that with a God concept and spirituality, their safe to drink.

Of course, we all know that an alcoholic is never able to drink safely. Once that first drop of alcohol touches the alcoholic’s lips, all bets are off. No amount of spirituality will stop the alcoholic from taking the next drink, and no God concept will prevent the drinking alcoholic from experiencing the consequences of the binge. At least, that’s the way I see it.

Don’t get me wrong; I believe a real relationship with a higher power is essential to sobriety. But I think that alone, a higher power will not help the alcoholic. He first must experience powerlessness, turn his will over to God’s, and follow the steps that will allow God to play an active role in his life.

That, at least, is the way I see it, but I look forward to hearing other people’s opinions. Please let me know your thoughts on powerlessness or Godlessness, and perhaps together we can come to some better understanding of the most fundamental issue of the program.

Edwards Speaks Out…At His Own Risk

2007-07-31T00:48:00.000-04:00

Saturday, John Edwards made statements during a campaign speech in Iowa that should mark the turning point in Edwards’ campaign. The only question is whether the turn will be for the better or for the worse.

Edwards said, in what appears to be a moment of frustration, what so many people have been thinking all year: that the Republican spin machine has made an art-form out of turning the focus of any campaign onto seemingly meaningless issues. He points out that politicians carefully avoid pertinent topics in favor of these slanderous remarks.

Edwards was addressing the recent comments made about his expensive haircut. He notes that the issues he stands for are exiting the war in Iraq, universal health care, and adjustments to our tax codes to benefit the poor. But he points out how successfully attention has been diverted from these important issues.

The point is a key one. How long have our politicians been afraid to address the pertinent issues for fear of the powers that be? Why do we allow our attentions to be diverted by hate mongering and mud slinging? If we are to see any true improvements in the current state of affairs, we have to keep our focus on the issues that affect our lives and livelihood, and not allow these diversions to rule the day.

Presently the Democratic ticket has seen a huge movement to the middle, while any politicians who are even slightly to the left have been attacked by the right. But if we are to see progress, we need to hear the full spectrum of opinions, and debate what is best for our society. As long as we gravitate towards the middle of the road, we will only experience business as usual, instead of the change we so desperately need.

Rationally vs. Emotionally

2007-07-27T00:43:00.000-04:00

I feel completely out of control, have all day. Rationally, it makes no sense to me. But rationality has little effect over my feelings.

Emotionally, I feel completely abandoned. The woman I love has simply cut me out of their life. Rationally, again, that may be the best thing for me. But emotionally, it’s driving me crazy. I feel like one day the person I cared about most cared about me, even said she loved me. Then one day it turned on a dime, and I ceased to exist to her.

Emotionally, I sense that she knows me well enough to know how much I’m hurting, and she does nothing, doesn’t write, call or communicate in any way. Rationally, I know that even a short message saying she hopes I’m ok would make all the difference in the world, but I also know I have no control over whether she contacts me or not.

Rationally I think all the right things: powerless over her actions, accept the things I cannot change, let go and let God. But my emotions say something different: find me a long term solution to a short term problem. Find a way to shut off, permanently, the emotions that plague me so today. Find a way out.

Rationally I know that my life has been so much better since I got sober. For many months now, I’ve felt like a new man. I feel better about myself, I connect with people around me and try to help them when I’m able. But my emotions say I’m nowhere, I’m lost…lost to myself, lost to everyone around me.

Rationally I know not to do anything about the emotions, and rationality will rule the day. But the emotions still cycle through my head, telling me all the wrong things, making me feel like running away. So all I can do is pray, and go to sleep. And hopefully tomorrow will be an easier day.

Adult Child of an Alcoholic

2007-07-26T01:48:00.000-04:00

I experienced a real epiphany this past week. For the past year, I’ve been working very hard at my sobriety, spending a lot of time in meetings, doing service work, reading, writing, and trying to turn my will over to God. But this past weekend I realized that alcohol was but one of my problems, and that being the adult child of an alcoholic also accounted for many of the issues I still face.

It all started with a disagreement between me and the woman I love. She sort of took my emotions on a rollercoaster ride, probably not intentionally but because her emotions were on the same rollercoaster. After the ride let out, she told me she needed space, and that she wasn’t going to communicate with me for a while. I guess I felt after taking me for the ride, it was her responsibility to be there for me, when really her only responsibility is taking care of herself and her sobriety.

I talked about this during a meeting (while carefully protecting her anonymity), and was basically told that she deserves space if she needs it, and that I need to respect it. But I was also told that during this period, our friendship was in hiatus, and I needed to look after my own needs, take my own space, and evaluate if I want her in my life. Many people commented that our relationship does not seem healthy, and I needed to get away.

The suggestion was made that I should attend an ACOA meeting. Now I know both my parents drink sometimes, and that they also do some drugs, but I don’t consider either one to be alcoholics. I do consider my father’s side of the family to all be alcoholics or addicts, but I guess I never saw him that way. Still, I was always told to take suggestions, so I decided to hit the meeting.

The meeting begins with the reading of common characteristics among ACOAs, and the Problem. The crazy thing is that everything mentioned described me to a tee. It was crazy! I mean, here I’m thinking this meeting wouldn’t apply to me, and yet within 5 minutes I know I’m right where I need to be, and that in that program lies the answer to many of the problems that AA has not solved for me.

I’ve been to an ACOA meeting every day since, and learned so much about myself and the issues that still plague me. I know that this is exactly where I need to be, and what I need to pursue, in order to beat back the demons that still haunt me. And I’m sure that if I put as much effort into the ACOA program as I’ve always put into the AA program, better days are ahead of me.

Regarding the woman, I’m realizing that I’m willing to accept her not feeling the same way about me, and sometimes treating me poorly, and this has everything to do with my being an ACOA. So does my inability to express my own needs, and my guilty feelings when I do declare my needs. Plus, my absolute terror at the prospect of abandonment, and the crazy things I do when I feel abandonment coming, trace back to my ACOA. As do so many other things that make this a potentially unhealthy relationship.

Now don’t get me wrong, I understand that these issues all come from me, and even when I perceive her to be treating me poorly, I am at fault, because I allow it to happen, and because I cling onto the relationship for dear life. But I do love her, and think that she’s the most amazing person, and that I’m blessed to have met her. I hope that one day we can enter into a healthy relationship. But this only can happen when I get healthy.

For now, I’m going to give her all the space she needs, hope to receive all the space I need, and work on myself. As part of that, I’m going to write posts on every one of the points brought up in the characteristics and the problem, and blog about what they mean to me. Also, I’ll keep reading, hitting meetings, and learning about what it means to be an ACOA. And maybe this will help me to be the type of person who could be a positive influence in this woman’s life, and more importantly, to be of service to my God, myself, and all the people who have helped me become a better and healthier person.

Midtown Back in the News

2007-07-24T01:05:00.000-04:00

In May I wrote about the Midtown group of Alcoholics Anonymous, a group that, according to Newsweek and many members of the Washington D.C. AA community, is more like a cult than an AA group. Well, the group is back in the news again, this time in the Washington Post, challenging the very core issues that have made AA the most successful treatment for alcoholism to this day.

There are a wide variety of rumors floating around about the Midtown Group. There are claims of forcing minors to have sex with older members, of pushing new members to sever ties with their families, friends and therapists, and refusing to sponsor anyone taking prescribed medications. All of these would be huge divergences from common AA practices.

While none of these rumors are definitively substantiated, there is one divergence from the AA program that has been admitted to: this group clearly has leaders, and they act as governors of the lives of the newer members. Michael Quinones is the leader of the group, and is revered by most members, while other old-timers in the group direct the day-to-day lives of the group newcomers.

This is contrary to AA’s second tradition, which states that “our leaders are but trusted servants, they do not govern.” This is a very fundamental concept to Alcoholics Anonymous; most AA sponsors will do nothing more than make suggestions to their sponsees, and will never force them to take any specific actions. Group members do not even determine the way the group will be run, as all these decisions are determined by group conscience.

Perhaps most troubling though is the creation of an isolated community around the Midtown Group. Members are pushed to live, eat, sleep, and work inside of this very close-knit community. While certainly this provides a very safe environment which keeps new members from drinking, it fails to recognize that AA, at heart, is a program of living, and that it provides members with a method for living sober in the real world.

"It's like a prepackaged community," said David, 26, a former Midtown member who initially adored the group but now is highly critical of it. "You're thinking, okay, maybe I can stay sober for the rest of my life, but how do I have fun? I went to a different group, and it was 50-year-old men who went bowling on Tuesdays. That wasn't going to do it for me. At Midtown, everything is there for you. Here are your women, here are your dances every weekend, ski trip every March."

So many of the stories presented in both the most recent Washington Post article and the former Newsweek article indicate clearly that, when leaving the isolation of the Midtown Group, the members of this group are completely unprepared to live sober in the real world. While it’s true that the Midtown Group is very successful at keeping members sober while in the group, it fails to provide a way to live sober outside the group.

The Midtown Group supports its methods by referring to its higher success rate than other AA groups. They claim that some changes were necessary to modernize the AA program, and perhaps they’re right. The ineffectiveness of the no-governing tradition has been shown by the Central Office’s inability to act upon allegations of wrongdoing by the Midtown Group. The program has no mechanism to deal with such issues.

For me, the fact that AA has no leaders in the traditional sense is what made it a program that I could utilize; I would never have accepted a program that maintains the level of control displayed in the Midtown Group. Furthermore, I believe that the program is based upon the belief that every person is powerless, not only over alcohol but over people, places, things and situations, and that the leaders of Midtown do not recognize this powerlessness.

Yes, I find allegations of underage sex disgusting, and I think the isolation of members is just plain wrong. But destroying the fundamental nature of AA, changing it from a program that teaches a person how to live life soberly to a program that provides sobriety at the expense of living a full life eliminates the true benefits that can be derived from the program. In the end, these changes threaten to destroy the benefits of the AA program.

It’s Alive!!!

2007-07-23T15:37:00.000-04:00

No, it’s not the blob, and it’s not Frankenstein’s monster. It’s Caravan Radio, the radio station built by the majority of the staff from the former BigDawgRadio. And as of late last night, it’s finally broadcasting.

Many of you know that a bit over two weeks ago, the members of the BigDawg staff realized that we had an amazing team, with great DJs and a wide variety of talents. But we also knew that under our former ownership we could never reach our full potential. As a result, we decided to band together and build a better station, one that caters to the needs expressed by our listeners, and provides quality entertainment.

Today, that project officially begins. In less than a week, Luna and Val have put together a really amazing site, and are now working on the features to really enhance our offering, like request pages, dynamic schedules, and DJ web pages. But today, the music lives again. Yes, we have our auto DJ playing right now, but soon enough the live shows will be playing, the chat rooms will be buzzing, and the station will be in our listeners’ hands again.

We have huge plans for the new station. Not only will there be a wide variety of live DJs playing different genres of music, but there will also be talk shows, a comedy show, complete albums with really cool background information, a Grateful Dead hour, interviews with musicians of the day, and a serious dedication to the new musicians of today, especially the musicians who don’t get air time on your standard radio stations.

The music has started, but we are gearing up for our big launch in two weeks, August 3rd through 6th. That weekend we’ll have music 24/7, and a variety of parties in different chat rooms so listeners can get to know each other. It should be a fun time, and we hope you’ll join in.

If you’re a new artist and would like to either get some play time during the launch or even contribute a disc as a giveaway, let us know, and we’ll make sure people hear your music. Plus, e are also looking for new DJs, or really anyone with an idea for a show. So if you feel like being part of a great team, give us a holler, and be part of Caravan Radio.

The journey has begun, and we want you along for the ride. So check out Caravan Radio, and let us know what you think. And we look forward to seeing you at the launch in two weeks. Caravan Radio: Where The Music Is A Journey.

Nomad: The Path Continues

2007-07-21T10:40:00.000-04:00

Back in April, I posted the first chapter to a book I’ve been writing, which is basically auto-biographical. I’ve been working on the book steadily, and I think that it’s been as therapeutic a process as it has been a labor of love. To be frank, I think it’s coming along pretty well, and a couple hundred pages in, I think that the story line really moves, and that it will keep people interested.

Anyway, yesterday I met a friend of my best friend, named Faith, and she indicated that she really wanted to read more of the book. I promised that, while I wouldn’t publish the whole book on line, at least I would print a couple chapters here, to satisfy the curiosity.

Now I didn’t want to provide too much at once, so I am just posting chapter 2 of the book. More will follow in a couple days or a week or whenever I feel like it. In the mean time, I hope you enjoy this portion of my book, titled, like my blog, “Perspectives of a Nomad”.

Chapter 2: Nomadic Beginnings

It all began for me in Philadelphia in the early 1970s. Philadelphia was a rough city at that point, to be sure, but it was also a great city, and an amazing place to grow up. One word defined the city, and pervaded all the events that took place there: passion!

Philadelphia had a beat all its own. This beat pervaded the whole city. It seemed like everyone walked to that beat when I was a kid, bouncing along to a rhythm no one could hear. It was the rhythm of passion, and it was contagious. It was the beat of the heart, and we all moved to it. It made Philly this electric place, a place where people thrived or died, but never just survived. Philly was my home: it created me, hook, line, sinker, and I became addicted to the energy that made Philly great.

Outsiders who came into the city just heard noise, the deafening noise of millions of voices and screams in the night. The bullets of mafia drive-byes, the pounding of hundreds of kids pushing over cop vans on South Street on a Friday night, the beating of the kid who walked into the wrong neighborhood at the wrong time, even the clickety clack of the typewriters that fueled one of the largest commercial districts in the country.

The noise was also the fiercest sports fans in the country, cheering on the Eagles, Flyers, Phillies, and 76ers, throwing snowballs at Santa and cheering injured opponents. It was the hundred people lined up around the block at Pat’s cheese steak, waiting for the best sandwich in the world. It was the clanking of the nightsticks of the mob thugs hired as cops to keep order in the crazy city, and the boom of the thermonuclear “entrance device” that burnt a city block to the ground when residents took on the law.

And it was the music! Great music was coming out of Philly in the 70s and 80s. Philadelphia International Studios was producing some of the best R&B in the country, with acts like The O’Jays, Teddy Pendergrass, The Whitehead Brothers, and a ton of other bands that made up the traditional Philly sound. Plus, there were the rockers: Bruce Springsteen was right across the bridge, George Thoroughgood was playing clubs every weekend night, even Hall and Oats were producing awesome music before they sold out.

Yeah, visitors thought it all made up a deafening noise, but anyone from the city heard the rhythm, bounced to it, grooved to it, felt it in their bones. The city was electric with that beat, ready to explode from it at any moment. It charged the whole city, amped it up like crazy, and supercharged anyone who spent any time in the City of Brotherly Love.

It was passion, no doubt about it. To a Philadelphian, winning was important, but not as important as showing heart in whatever you were doing. I still believe that Mike Schmidt was the best 3rd baseman ever to play the game of baseball, but if he wasn’t giving an all-out effort, the city would boo him mercilessly. The first time I saw The Who in concert, Santana and the Clash played before them; Santana was amazing, but The Clash played a fairly lackluster show, with no enthusiasm whatsoever for the 110,000 fans. They were booed off the stage, and their tour bus was pelted by bottles after the show.

The city created a type of passion that pervaded every person I knew and everything they did. The passion is contagious! It was all about heart; the city would embrace anyone who showed that heart, and would never forgive anyone who lacked it. From the lowliest janitor to the athletes that played for our teams and the musicians who graced our stages, a little bit of heart went a long way in Philly, and I was brought up valuing heart more than anything else.

Ever wonder why Rocky has always been considered Philly’s favorite son? It’s because of the passion he showed against such amazing odds. People forget that, in the first Rocky film, he lost, just as he did in the last one. But Philly embraced this fictional character because he never gave up, despite being beaten, bloody, and overmatched. He lasted, not on talent, but all on heart, and that is exactly what being from Philadelphia is all about. Passion and heart, Philly style, is simply a way of life.

I certainly felt the passion, and lived it. As a kid, before Rocky ever graced the screen, I was a fighter myself. Now don’t have any illusions, I wasn’t that great. I simply lived in an area that was in the process of changing, of transitioning from a traditionally Jewish neighborhood to a racially mixed neighborhood. A low cost housing project called Lynnewood Gardens was developed down the street from me, and the kids were bussed to my school. Suddenly my group went from being a majority to a minority, and what’s more, the kids in the majority were bigger, stronger, and tougher than my group, by a long ways. As a result, I was often targeted by the new kids to fight.

Most of the time, I got my butt kicked. In fight after fight, I would get my nose bloodied, my eye blackened, and my clothes torn. But no matter what, I never went down. It was totally a thing of pride for me; I could take a bigger beating that just about anyone in the school, and no matter what I would always get up and take some more. Plus, I always dished out a beating of my own. No kid, no matter how big, got through with a fight with me without some bruises and cuts; I would keep fighting when there was no strength left in me, just to prove I wasn’t a wimp, and that was my victory, my passion.

As time went on, I gained respect for this. In my school, kids would sort of work their way up the fighting ladder, fighting progressively tougher kids in an effort to show that they belonged amongst the toughest kids. I was surprised to find that I was in this ladder, and that tougher and tougher kids wanted to fight me. I never instigated a fight, but never backed down from one either.

In 5th grade, the toughest kid in the school, Shawn Dailey, decided he had to face me. He was captain of the football team, playing both offensive and defensive line, and he was well over 6 feet tall even at that early age. He punched me in the face repeatedly, and I was getting mauled. But I kept coming back, punching him in the ribs to get him to bend down, and then nailing him in the face. In the end, my face was pretty bloody, but he was banged up too. As the principal was walking us to the office, Shawn turned to me, and shook my hand, as if saying I had won his respect. From that point on, no one picked fights with me.

Meanwhile, a few of the tougher and more popular kids, though very few, started hanging out with me. Among this small group of early friends were two brothers, Matt and Ronnie Garland. They were from the Gardens, both adopted, and always getting into trouble. Matt was in my grade, Ronnie was a year younger, and we would get into trouble together. It was the entire basis of our friendship.

The three of us shared a passion for the Phillies, who were amazing at that point. It was 1976, the year of the bicentennial, and our Phils were on the verge of greatness. With Steve Carlton and Tug McGraw on the mound, a stellar infield that included Schmidty, Larry Bowa and Manny Trillo, and an outfield with Greg “the bull” Luszinsky and Garry Maddux, this was a tough team. We added Pete Rose as our first baseman in 1977, and this put us over the top, but he really fit in with everyone else on the team; he was known for his hustle and his heart, and that’s what made him special. Philly loved him!

Matt and I were 9 years old, Ronnie was 8, and we realized we needed to be seeing Phillies games in person. At the time, you could go down to Veterans Stadium and purchase a seat in the nosebleed section (called the 700 level) for $.50 if you were younger than 16. So we started going to games, often cutting school to watch our team. We would leave during lunch, when we could escape pretty easily, take the C bus to the subway, and head down to the Vet. Then, we would check out the game, share a cheese steak, and take the subway and a bus home.

Inside the stadium, it was mayhem. The 700 level was the cheapest of seats, and since most games were day games at this point, the people at the stadium were normally out of work. There was a ton of drinking and a ton of fighting up there. Fans of our opponents were scared to venture up to the 700 level, and one time a Mets fan got thrown over a balcony. Looking back, it was crazy for three young kids to have been there alone and unsupervised, but we had to go see our heroes on the diamond making Philly proud.

The trip home was no less scary. As it got later in the day, the subway became a very dangerous place. We tried to act tough, like we weren’t nervous about our surroundings, but some things you just can’t hide. And as the old men would make sure to stand right next to us so we would fall into them when the subway would lurch to a stop, or as we had to hold on tight to our wallets to avoid the pickpockets moving through the subway car, we would just look at each other, making sure none of us showed outward signs of the fear we all felt.

The three of us were supposed to stop hanging out together after we had all gotten busted in the Cedarbrook mall stealing school supplies and baseball cards. I had these big pockets, and we were going in, filling my pockets, and walking out, emptying, and going back for more again, all afternoon long. We were so dumb; they had been watching us all afternoon, and when we were saying it was time to call it a day, the security guard grabbed us and called our parents.

But we decided we still were going to hang out together, and went down to the Vet a week later to catch the Phillies-Dodgers game. This would wind up being the last time we hung out. It was an amazing game, and Schmidty hit 3 home runs. We hit Pat’s cheese steaks after the game, and then went to wait for the bus.

Now South Philly is almost all row houses, and each row house has a stoop. They are stairs that go down, and have a brick wall in front of them. People will hang out on the stoop all day long, talking with neighbors and being part of the community. We were sitting on one of these stoops, our heads unable to see over the brick wall, waiting for the bus with about 20 other people.

We heard the car’s tires screech as he took the corner at high speed, and raced down 9th street towards the bus stop, but we paid no attention. Then we heard it, the cracking of gun shots in rapid succession. We ducked down, making sure we were behind the wall, but we could hear the pandemonium not more than 5 feet away from us. A few bullets hit the wall, and one knocked off part of a brick, which landed on Ronnie’s head and left a nasty gash. And then it was all over.

As we heard the car streaking away, we looked up, and saw the dead body. It had been a drive-by shooting, mob related. The victim I learned later was part of Nicky Scarfo’s gang, and had been taken down as part of an ongoing turf war. Philly has always been mobbed up, and turf wars have always been more the norm than the exception. But this was my first view of one of the casualties up close.

On that day, the posturing stopped, and we all admitted we were scared. That was the last time we headed down to the Vet unattended, and the end of our friendship as well. Maybe it had been too embarrassing to be that honest with the brothers, or maybe we didn’t want to see our shame at having been so afraid that day. But our friendship was just never the same, and I have no idea what happened to either of them.

And perhaps some of my innocence washed down the drain with the river of blood coming from the dead mobster. For the first time, I was seeing life in a new way, through eyes a bit more knowledgeable, and a bit wiser. Perhaps that incident changed the way I looked at life, and thus made me better able to deal with my tumultuous 12th year. But regardless I know that, from that moment on, I was never the same.

Finally Learning to Get My Needs Met

2007-07-20T00:50:00.000-04:00

I was reading a passage defining co-dependency, and it referred to anger as “the unwanted and unwelcome guest”. Certainly this is the role anger has played in my life. I hate my anger, and fear it, trying to suppress it. Still it’s always around, shows its face at the most inconvenient times, and embarrasses everyone in the room, especially me. I avoid it at all times, and yet it keeps coming back to haunt me.

Lately, I’ve been learning about acceptance and expectations. The fewer my expectations, the less I am disappointed. The better I’m able to accept the different situations I face, the happier I am, and the less anger I feel naturally. Perfect solution, right? Only problem is, I, like everybody, have needs that have to be met, and no one will advocate for those needs to be met if I don’t.

The key is balance, I discover. And this is hard, because in the past when sticking up for my needs, I have always resorted to anger. Today I’m learning a whole new way to deal with the people around me, and with expressing my wants and needs. I have to admit, it’s a bit scary. But I suspect that this is a very important growth process, and that I’ll come out on the other end with a real ability to handle the key issues I face.

In my group, I had a major test of this discipline yesterday. I have been going through a rough patch recently, and needed some time to discuss what I’ve been going through. However, one member of my group decided to monopolize the time, first with her own issues, and then pushing another person to speak. I had mentioned a couple times I needed time, but it just didn’t happen as this woman took control of the group.

I became increasing frustrated as the group went on, and my needs weren’t met, and finally said how upset I was that there was no time for me. I tried to keep it factual, and to use I statements to indicate my feelings from the group. I tried not to get too angry, and felt uncomfortable the whole time, but I got through it and expressed my needs.

After, I felt embarrassed about having gotten angry. But when talking with the group facilitator, she said that I had been totally appropriate, and had not been overly angry. She said I had really shown some balance, and that, on that occasion, I had handled the situation as well as possible.

I guess I’ll know next week if that’s really true, when I go into group and see if people resent me, or if I get the time I need. But I accepted the complement, and was given an assignment: to write about what I had done, and what it felt like to stick up for my own needs. So I wrote this post. You know what, I think it was pretty therapeutic. And I think if I keep working at it, I might find the balance that has eluded me all my life.

Accepting the Difficult Day

2007-07-19T00:21:00.000-04:00

I don’t know why, exactly, but today was a hard day for me. All the sudden, without warning, all the sadness and disappointment from the past few weeks just built up on me, and caved in my world. I can’t put my finger on how this feeling came upon me, and so I have trouble knowing how to get rid of it. All I know is that this feeling of happiness that has been prevalent in my life most of the time lately escaped me today, and I want it back.

In general, I’ve been trying to accept things more and more these days, and to realize that things will happen as they’re meant to happen. I have no control over most of what happens in my life, and the more I can take events in stride, the happier I am, and the happier I’ll be. Crazily enough, as I accept more, I have to practice acceptance less, as it just becomes natural to accept situations as they are.

So why now, when my life has improved so much over the past number of months, am I suddenly so down? Why all the sudden do I feel like isolating myself, and holing up in my apartment, preventing the worries of the world from getting in? Why do I suddenly find myself wanting a drink again, after nearly 8 months sober?

I think it’s because I’m beginning to look for my own will to be done again. And that is always a recipe for failure!

For example, my sponsee has been drinking again, and seems suicidal and very depressed. It’s hard to see, after such a long period where he really seemed healthier. I wanted him to stay sober, and to see where his own behavior was bringing about his unhappiness. I thought I could help him see the issues he was having trouble with, and to fix these problems. But that’s my will, and perhaps it’s not his time yet.

I went into my group today, and we dealt with an issue that is particularly troubling for me. I tried to get some time, and to address how the issue made me feel, and got shut out by another member of my group who first spoke for a long time, and then took time to convince another woman, who is new in the group, to talk. This is a common occurrence in this new group, and it really got to me. But maybe I’m not supposed to talk, maybe I just need to listen.

There’s a woman I’m crazy about, someone so special I am continually amazed by her. We have been close since we met, but she’s always maintained she couldn’t get into a real relationship with me. Yesterday she changed her mind, and said she was ready to start a real relationship, only to change her mind later in the day and decide that a relationship wasn’t in her best interest. Perhaps I’m not meant to be with her, but after having gotten my hopes up, they came crashing down.

These situations, and many others, have become a major part of my life. Perhaps they’re meant to be, perhaps I need to live through these situations, and learn how to deal with them, to grow as a person. But as it stands, I wind up feeling exhausted and hurt. I know that I need to accept the situations as they are, but lately my desires and my will have also been gaining a voice in my head, and that is leading me towards disappointment.

I know the dangers of pushing for my will, and in all of the situations mentioned before and the others I’ve faced recently, I’ve made a point to be as accepting as possible, and to not get outwardly upset. But what I really need to do is redouble my efforts to accept God’s will over my own, and to know that things will turn out the way they are meant to, and with good reason. That includes having the occasional bad day. Only then can I be truly happy with the events that take place in my life.

Image courtesy of Everyday People Cartoons

Al-Aqsa Television Teaches Hatred to Children with Nahoul the Killer Bee

2007-07-18T00:58:00.000-04:00

In May I wrote about Farfour the Mouse, a cartoon character on Hamas’ Al-Aqsa television used to teach hatred to Palestinian children. Farfour, twin to Disney’s beloved Mickey Mouse, spoke about hatred of the Jewish people, Israel, and the occupation of Palestine. Now Al-Aqsa has a new cartoon character: Nahoul the Killer Bee.

After international condemnation of Al-Aqsa’s children’s show, “Pioneers of Tomorrow”, the writers decided to kill off Farfour, as he was beaten to death on screen by an Israeli over a land dispute. Most people thought this was the end of the blatant teaching of hatred to kids through the Hamas-sponsored television show, but they were wrong.

Nahoul the Killer Bee is Farfour’s cousin, and has come to the Gaza Strip to avenge the death of Farfour. The bee is quoted as saying "I want to continue in the path of Farfour, the path of Islam, of heroism, of martyrdom and of the mujahedeen. … We will take revenge of the enemies of Allah."

Two things are clear from this latest move: first, that Al-Aqsa will not bow to international pressure, and second, that teaching hatred to Palestinian children is a primary objective for their sponsor, Hamas.

This is precisely why Israel and the US are striving so hard to support Abbas’ government over a Hamas-based government. The promotion of hatred to Palestinian children, threatens any possibility of long-term peace between the Israeli and Palestinian people.

Support for the Abbas Government – Has Hamas Achieved Their Goals?

2007-07-17T11:08:00.000-04:00

When Mahmoud Abbas was elected chairman of the Palestinian Authority, I was extremely excited. Abbas represents, to my knowledge, the will of the people for an independent state, for freedom, and for a better life. I looked at the government and saw a real potential partner for peace, and felt that things were looking up in the Middle East.

Unfortunately, Israel saw Abbas as weak, and was unwilling to enter into meaningful negotiations. When Israel would not offer borders that were even remotely acceptable, they imposed their own borders with the creation of the wall. When Israel proposed rather shabby compensation for Palestine’s losses, Israel refused to provide any compensation. And on issues such as the return of prisoners of war, Israel wouldn’t even bother to negotiate.

When Hamas ran for control of Israel, they claimed publicly that they were doing it to provide a position of strength in bargaining with the Israelis. Israel and the world all claimed this was a farce, that Hamas had never believed in Israel’s right to exist, they are a terrorist organization, and they cannot be trusted. Yet, Palestinian friends all indicated they would vote for Hamas because the Abbas government appeared so weak in the negotiations with Israel. Israel had created the need for a Hamas government.

Today, there is mayhem in Palestine, and to some extent the mayhem has spilled over onto Israeli soil. Hamas controls Gaza while Abbas governs over the West Bank. Violence prevails in the West Bank, and a high degree of lawlessness as well. There is true economic hardship, and poverty is the rule rather than the exception. The past several months have seen the firing of missiles into Israel, and while Hamas may not be directly responsible for these missiles, they certainly are not doing anything to stop them.

So both the US and Israel is taking the obvious steps: they are supporting the Abbas government with hopes that the whole of Palestine will support them as well. Massive amounts of funds have been released to the Abbas government, helping to stave off the economic crisis seen by most Palestinians. Israel has removed 178 militants from its watch list in exchange for declarations of amnesty from these militants, allowing these people to live a free life again.

Israel is talking about the release of many prisoners from their jails, provided they don’t have Israeli blood on their hands. These are the people who supported the Palestinian cause, but never actually killed Israelis. Bush is now calling for a Middle East peace accord with all countries believing in a two state solution as well as the Abbas government. Israel is willing to sit down with these countries, even though many don’t recognize Israel’s right to exist. Plus, the US has offered $190 million in direct assistance to the Palestinian people.

Folks, don’t look now, but if all these promises were kept, and a peaceful agreement were reached under these terms, all of the goals Hamas claimed during the election will have been met. I won’t like how they achieved them, but I can’t help but realize that they have, in fact, achieved them, but presenting a position of strength to the Israeli government. I think the ends don’t justify the means, but then again, I am not living the life of a Palestinian, a hard life indeed.

Perhaps it’s time for me to recognize that, while I hate Hamas as an organization and their actions rooted in terror and hatred, they have served their people well, and continue to do so. I am told I cannot judge you until I have walked a mile in your shoes, and perhaps it’s time for me to state I cannot judge Hamas. Because in the end of the day, they may have accomplished what no Palestinian government has been able to accomplish: a free, independent Palestinian state.

Cartoon courtesy of cartoonstock.com

Caravan Radio Comes To Life

2007-07-17T01:50:00.000-04:00

I love it when a plan comes together! I must admit that I was nervous when I left BigDawgRadio, essentially finishing the BDR year-long run. I felt that, to grow, the station needed to eliminate some of the people who weren’t contributing to the station. But could I do this alone? Could I build a station on my own, from the ground up, and make it a success?

Well guess what, I didn’t have to. For some strange reason, the best people from BigDawg followed me to the new project, and have reaffirmed my faith in the potential of this project. The truth is I could never have built the station as it should be on my own, but each person has brought their own skills and enthusiasm to the project, and signs of greatness are already visible.

The new station is named Caravan Radio, and this is a real team project, every person contributing to make something better than any one of us could have accomplished. Plus, the teamwork has inspired me. It’s a truly special feeling.

HippieChick is the leader of this new endeavor, and a better leader I couldn’t imagine. She has an amazing grasp of the big picture, of what will define the station, and has really put us on a track to success. Rogue is in charge of the business end and spreading the word, a perfect match for his fearless demeanor. And this leaves space for me to deal with the day to day operations, and the details that can trip up any small business.

Already, Luna has designed our site, which looks, to my eye, better than the BigDawg site ever looked. The site feels like it should be home, and I would love to ride one of those camels. Meanwhile, Val is working on the more technical aspects of the station, providing the features that will make Caravan Radio the best station on the net.

We also are adding new DJs into the mix. Already Foxe and Ragnellah have joined the team, and will help provide music to the European market. And with any luck we’ll have a new Jazz and World Music DJ coming on board soon, someone with years as a professional Jazz saxophonist, playing with some of the best names in the industry.

We’re adding new shows, too. I am hoping to do a political show, talking to a variety of politicians over issues of the day. Another person is looking to do a show with live Grateful Dead music, including some of the best shows from their illustrious career. Yet another person aims to do an album show, playing and talking about one album every week.

The truth is that the sky is the limit. We are open to any ideas, to any new DJs, and to anyone who is willing to contribute to the team. We hope to have the radio broadcasting later this week, and to have the website fully functional by sometime next week. The weekend of August 3rd we’ll have the launch party, and celebrate the new station in appropriate fashion.

It’s really exciting, to be honest, and it’s all coming together. Yeah, I was nervous about leaving BigDawgRadio at first, but now I’m so glad I did. Soon, we’ll have the music flowing again, and we’ll provide a far better service then BigDawg ever did. Hopefully, we’ll be providing you with hours of the greatest gift I know, music! That’s why the station is a labor of love for me, and while I’m so glad Caravan Radio is coming to life.

If you get a chance, take a look at the new site, and provide some feedback. You know, even a suggestion makes you a part of the Caravan family. So come aboard, grab a camel, and get ready to tune in. Any day now, the Caravan is coming to a computer near you. I hope you’ll enjoy it as much as I do.

Latest Obama Girl Video Has Me Dancing

2007-07-16T10:14:00.000-04:00

So much to write about today, and so little time. So I think I’ll start with a fun one.

As a self-proclaimed student of the political process, I worry that Barack Obama does not have enough experience to lead a superpower like the US. As a member of the Illinois senate, and even the US senate, Obama has not had to make the truly difficult decisions that define the success or failure of a presidency. He’s book-smart, but how will he perform under pressure?

Perhaps the biggest asset I see Obama bringing to the table is his understanding of the challenges facing the modern world. But again, this is book-smarts, and he has little experience dealing with these issues. As a result, Obama’s greatest appeal is probably to the younger generation of voters, who seem to be less politically aware, and who tend to value understanding of present-day issues over the experience to handle tough issues.

As a result, we are seeing a very effective marketing strategy coming out of the Obama camp: The Obama Girls. These women have created three videos so far, using modern music, scantily clad women, and a political theme, promoting their presidential candidate. Before you scoff at it, let me say I think it’s a brilliant idea. It targets Obama’s primary demographic, it shows a hip, fresh attitude, and shows a marked change from our present leadership.

Let’s be frank, no marketing campaign is going to win a presidential election. But with a catchy tune and some realistic political messages, perhaps the video will serve to make the younger generation rethink the possibility of electing Barack Obama to our highest office. And considering the past apathy seen from this demographic, if the result is a high voter turnout from young people, it may very well make a difference in the election.

Anyway, whether it has any political weight or not, the video has a great tune, is catchy, and ends with a very cool pillow fight. So check out the latest video from the Obama Girls, “Obama Girl vs. Guiliani Girl”. I hope you enjoy it!

The Day the Music Dies: This Sunday!

2007-07-13T02:00:00.000-04:00

If one were to characterize the trends seen in America during the George W. Bush era, they would be characterized as the years where the large corporations have been rewarded at the expense of small businesses. This certainly has been true in the oil, pharmaceuticals, and international trade industries. And now, it appears that the same will be true in the music industry

The Copyright Royalty Board (CRB) has decided to radically alter the royalty revenues demanded by all broadcasting mediums, and the change may be enough to virtually eliminate internet radio, save for the very largest stations. The decision will destroy the small radio stations, cripple the smaller recording industry, and oddly enough, will even hurt the larger recording industry long term, as there will be less sources of revenue.

On Sunday, July 15, the new rates proposed by the CRB will go into affect, and stations all over the United States will go under. What’s more, there is only one obstacle left to prevent this from occurring: legislation proposed in congress called the Internet Radio Equality Act. The importance of this bill is immense, as it really allows stations like the one I’m developing to provide you with alternatives to mainstream radio.

Presently, as many as 72 million US citizens listen to internet radio every month. Over 37% of the music that is played by internet radio stations comes from independent musicians, as opposed to only 10% on mainstream stations. Meanwhile, nearly all of these internet radio stations operate at a loss, as my last radio station did, only existing because of the owners’ dedication to the music.

The new royalties specifically target the small internet stations. First, there has always been a revenue-based royalty option, where the small stations could pay a percentage of their income. This option has been removed, and now internet stations of any size will be charged the same amount per song, which is approximately 3 times what large stations are paying per song today. This is despite the fact that few large stations operate in the black at present.

But it gets worse. Every internet station will be required to pay a $500 per channel base royalty. This is on top of all other royalties required. To put this in perspective, my last station lost about $385 last year in total, so this $500 fee would nearly triple my losses in 2007. And in case that wasn’t enough to eliminate most stations, all these fees are retroactive to January 2006, so stations will owe additional royalties on the services provided over the past year and a half.

In other words, stations will owe $500 for 2006 and $500 for 2007, plus the additional royalties for both years, come this Sunday, and will then have drastically higher royalties to pay in the future. Few, if any, will be able to come up with the nearly $1500 immediately due to the CRB, and most stations will shut down.

The total annual revenue from the internet radio medium is approximately $37.5 million, as compared with broadcast radio, which makes $20 billion per annum, and satellite radio, which makes $2 billion a year. Despite this, internet radio will be responsible for 47% of all revenues under the new royalty scheme.

Make no mistake about it, folks, this plan is designed to eliminate the small internet radio station, and put the power back in the hands of the large recording corporations. It will bolster broadcast radio and satellite radio while homogenizing the music industry, and crushing the hopes of so many small artists that internet radio supports.

What’s more, it destroys the free speech that this country is based upon. It is a firm declaration that only the mainstream stations, with the mainstream programming, can remain on the air, eliminating all other broadcasting competition. And that is not what this country, or this industry, has ever been about.

Internet radio is just beginning to blossom, and new revenue streams for small stations are only now becoming available. The diversity this burgeoning industry is creating is awe inspiring, and honors the greatest traditions of this country. But this new legislation threatens to kill the internet radio industry before it can reach its true potential. Help prevent this tragedy by going to Save The Radio, and supporting the internet radio industry.

Iranian Opinions and Palestinian Similarities

2007-07-11T14:59:00.000-04:00

Terror Free Tomorrow conducted a survey of the Iranian people that’s fairly balanced, and determined that the vast majority of the Iranian people want free elections, interaction with the West, and improvements in the economy over the present religiously based government, seclusion from the rest of the world, and massive investments in a nuclear program that appears to be geared towards building weapons of mass destruction.

Guess what, there’s no surprise here!

Yes, for some time various leaders have been disputing such claims because there was no empirical support for these claims. But most people have known for some time that the actions of the Iranian government support the Iranian government, and do little if anything for the Iranian people.

Ahmadinejad’s recent activities, both in the public forum and with regards to their nuclear program, have crippled the Iranian economy and crushed the living conditions of most Iranians, but have pushed Iran into the position of being a world power. Interaction with the West and international trade could greatly improve conditions for the average Iranian, but increasing sanctions against the country prevent that from occurring.

I experienced a similar phenomenon while living in Israel, where I came into contact with many West Bank Palestinians. Most were sick of the constant fighting between the Israelis and Palestinians, and were willing to trade Jerusalem for an autonomous state and a chance to live a peaceful life with hope for their future and hope for the next generation of Palestinians. Only the government benefited from the fighting between the two people.

When Mahmoud Abbas came into power, I was hopeful for peace between Israel and Palestine. Abbas is an average, perhaps above average, citizen, and his wants greatly reflect the wants of the average Palestinian. His agenda included a push for peace, and he was willing to make concessions to build a free state of Palestine. The cease fire he brokered in his first month of office was a direct indication of Abbas’ agenda.

In many ways, the election of Hamas was a direct result of Israel’s treatment of the Abbas government. Israel took Abbas’ stance as a sign of weakness, and decided to clean up various terrorist cells in Gaza, forcing Abbas to speak out against the attacks. His inability to enforce the cease fire weakened Abbas’ role, allowing Hamas to run its election on a platform of being a strong negotiator with Israel.

Certainly, events have shown that Abbas represented Israel’s best chance at peace with the Palestinians, and that since the election of Hamas, that opportunity has passed Israel by. Many Israelis long for the opportunity again.

In both Palestine and Iran, the government (Hamas and Ahmadinejad, respectively) represents the interests of a small minority of the populace, and a fanatical minority at that. Each government did win an election, and both won the election on the platform of being the best advocate for their respective populations.

Both of these governments are militant, forceful, and vocal. Both capture international media attention, and both are also willing to work behind the scenes to accomplish their goals. Both are willing to employ terrorism or any other method that will improve their country’s position in the world order.

But neither government truly represents the will of the people of their country. Neither is really an advocate for a better day to day life for their citizens. Both governments are willing to sacrifice any number of people to achieve their political agendas. And such lack of caring for their respective citizens makes each government extremely dangerous.

Of course, the biggest threat today is coming from Iran, where their nuclear program and the massive amount of oil produced there create a clear and present danger for the entire world. But in reality, both countries are dangerous, because any government that cares more about power or status than they do about their own people is a danger to everyone around them.

Thus, our goal is obvious; to help the people of these countries find their voice without determining for them who is in power. If these people can find their voices on their own, and take control of their own destiny, the world would quickly become a safer place for all its inhabitants.

What Makes Israel Special

2007-07-11T09:06:00.000-04:00

The other day, a friend asked me to repost this blog posting, indicating that he had searched for it and couldn't find it. It was a response to a Meme on what makes Israel special, conducted by Haveil Havelim. I hope you enjoy it.

Near the end of 1995 I traveled to Israel for what was supposed to be a 6 month excursion and what turned into my making Aliyah. I was heading to an Ulpan at Kibbutz Beit Hashitah, and to be frank I think I was running away from Philly more than I was running to Israel.  I was looking for a new shot at some real happiness in my life, and in many ways, my last truly happy memories were from my last Israel trip in 1987.

I arrived at Ben Gurion after midnight, and took a cab up to Beit Hashitah.  I got the key to my room, smoked a couple cigarettes, and tried to catch a few winks. Problem was, I was pretty excited, and had didn’t get much in the sleep department.  So at 5:00 am I got up, took a long walk, and settled in for a smoke in this beautiful grove on the Kibbutz with hundreds of baby trees.

I was staring at the mountain across from the kibbutz, puffing away at a cigarette, when a 70 year old man sat down next to me, and motioned for a cigarette. I gave him one and lit it up, wondering if he would be able to speak English.  He took a drag at the American Marlboro, pointed appreciatively at it while nodding to me.

The old man then answered my question by, without introduction, moving right into the story of the Mountain I was looking at, Mount Gilboa. His accent was thick but I understood every word, and remember his speech to this very day.  And at that moment, I knew for the first time I had found a home.

“That is Mount Gilboa, from the Torah. I know, you haven’t heard that story, but it’s there, you can look it up. Once, long ago in our history, Saul stood on that peak with his sons, with Jonathan, and David, mighty David not yet king, stood on the other peak. And beneath them, the Philistines were outnumbering us 100 to 1.”

“When Jonathan fell, Saul was so distraught he committed suicide….well, sort of. You know, a Jew won’t take his own life. He commanded his own aid to kill him. Oy, could you imagine having that job? Anyway, he did it, then went over to David and told him. David, yes, the one who slew Goliath. And that’s who he was, a warrior…not the type you want to upset, not the one you want to tell bad news.”

“Well, the aid learned it first hand, because David killed him right on the spot when he heard what happened to Saul. And then he said a curse. David looked at the two peaks of Gilboa, his peak where the Israelis, eh, they weren’t doing so bad, and the other peak, where Saul and Jonathan had died, and he said that the peak would turn to blood, and wash away everything living. Nothing would ever live there again.”

“Now the crazy thing is it happened. And of course the Philistines, they see this guy, who already was a very good warrior to say the least, turn a mountain to blood, killing all their friends over there, and they think, you know what, maybe it isn’t such a good idea to mess with him. And they left, and David became king. And that is why, to this day, there are trees on one side, and the other side is bare.”

With that, the man got up, not even giving me a chance for introductions, nodded thanks for the cigarette, and walked off. Later I would find out that his name was also Saul, that he was a New Yorker who moved to Israel as a teenager in 1949, and that he had run the tree nursery, the largest in Israel, for nearly 50 years.

I worked for Saul in that tree nursery, starting at 4 am and planting nearly 4,000 trees, all of which were transplanted throughout Israel, a country that needs trees desperately. It was hard work, but so fulfilling. And most of the time Saul was more or less quiet, never talking as much as he did that morning, when he didn’t eve know me.

I never forgot the story of Gilboa, and the way Saul told it. I’ve read the true account since, and been on the mountain, determined that the soil and sunlight are identical on both peeks. There should be life on both sides of the mountain but there aren’t. And so every day I looked at proof of the validity of the Torah, or at least of that story, and was inspired by it. To me, this is the power of Israel, and it has touched my heart forever.

Acceptance, Responsibility, Powerlessness, and Letting Go

2007-07-10T02:16:00.000-04:00

Today I was confronted by my powerlessness, and was taught an important lesson in acceptance. I hope it’s a lesson I can carry through to many aspects of my life.

For weeks, my sponsee has been worrying about today, the anniversary of a tragedy in his life. This is my first time as a sponsor, and I wanted to do whatever possible to help him through the day with as little anguish as possible, thinking that would keep him sober. I knew the day would be a challenge, but figured I would provide the support my sponsee needed.

I went into today with an open mind, figuring I would do whatever my sponsee wanted, and just be with him to keep him happy. I figured with this attitude, an attitude of acceptance, I would enjoy the day, regardless of how it went, and be in the best frame of mind to help him deal with the challenges of the day.

My sponsee had specific expectations for the day, knowing exactly what he wanted to accomplish and how he wanted to accomplish it. He was rigid in his wants, and as a result when one thing after another did not go as planned, he became more and more irritated. His mood got worse and worse throughout the day, and by the end he had decided to go to a drinking buddy’s house to hang out and watch some wrestling.

The worst part was he admitted that he felt like a drink may be just what he needed, given the circumstances of the day. He couldn’t see the dangers of going back out, and seemed intent on relieving his stress by self-medicating.

I talked to my sponsee about acceptance, acceptance of the events of the day, and how he could create a positive attitude for himself if he accepted that this was the way the day was supposed to go. I talked to him about powerlessness, his powerlessness to affect the events of the day, and his powerlessness over alcohol once he took that first drink. I talked about the great strides he’s made this past month, and the potential consequences of going out. But he seemed to be despondent.

I went into a meeting, and spoke about the day, asking if there were a better way I could have handled the event, or something I could have said that would have helped keep my sponsee sober. And with the help of the rooms, I learned my lesson!

I realized that for all my desire to accept the events of the day, and to help my sponsee accept the events of the day, I was struggling with acceptance. I need to accept that, if my sponsee wants to go out, that’s his decision, and I’m powerless over it. Yes, the various things I said were probably good ideas, and perhaps I could have tried harder to persuade him to go to a meeting. But in the end of the day, I have no control over what he does.

What’s more, it’s not my responsibility to keep him sober. I can give him suggestions, be supportive of him, and point out the ramifications of choosing to drink, but in the end of the day, I need to let go and let God, and allow him to make his own decisions. Anything beyond that is not my responsibility, and any more that I try to do is my will over God’s will, and will only make matters worse.

I called my sponsee, before going to eat with friends from the meeting, and told him that I cared for him, and would care for him regardless if he stayed sober or went out. I reminded him of the potential consequences for going out, but also said that perhaps he needed more research, and that I would not judge him either way. When he asked if I was giving him permission to drink, I told him that I wasn’t, but it wasn’t my place to give or not give permission, only to be a support for him regardless of his decision.

I was worried about my sponsee, but I knew I had to let go and let God. Odds are that he would still be alive tomorrow, and still need my support. But a crazy thing happened; he called me a half hour ago, and told me that he had not drunk. He went to his friend’s house thinking he would, but in the end of the day, he thought of all the reasons I had expressed, and decided to keep his sobriety day.

I’m very happy for him, and there is a tremendous amount of joy in my heart. In the end, I know that I had little or nothing to do with his staying sober, and that God did for me what I could not do for myself. But I am so glad that, for this occasion, my will and God’s will were the same. And even more so, I’m glad that I’ve been taught such a valuable lesson about my role and responsibilities as a sponsor.

Exciting Change, and a Contest So You Can Help

2007-07-09T01:09:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone! As most of you know, BigDawgRadio has shut its doors. But the goal is to have a new radio station up and running by next Monday, 7/16, and this station will not be hampered by many of the trials that faced us with BDR. Frankly, the change is really exciting!

Along those lines, we are looking for a name for the new radio station. We are looking for a cool name, a fun name, and a name that hasn’t been taken so the domain name will be available.

We are holding a contest until this Friday, 7/13, where we’re asking for the best name for the new radio station. Submit your names here. The person who submits the winning name will receive two discs of great blues from musician Cole Blair, as well as a mystery prize courtesy of DJ Rogue.

The new station will be something very special, and I hope you all are ready to be part of the fun! So stay tuned for more details, and we’ll catch you on the air waves.

The Wisdom to Know the Difference

2007-07-06T02:03:00.001-04:00

I love the serenity prayer:

God, Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

When I’m up against anything difficult, I find myself saying the prayer over and over, hoping to find acceptance of the multitude of people, places, situations and things I cannot change.

The key, however, is in the last line: the wisdom to know the difference. I struggle mightily to know what things I have the ability to change, and to find the courage to change those things.

An alternative version of the prayer indicates that the only person I can change is myself, and that I agree with completely. Some say that all I can change is my attitude to the situations I face, and certainly that is what I have most control over. But some situations I can change, and that is where I need the courage, to face the situations I fear the most.

Certainly many African Americans in the South originally determined that slavery and racism was a given, a situation that they could not change. But some people found the courage, and changed the world. Imagine if women in the 70s had not found the courage to change their situation? Of if people in South Africa hadn’t rallied against apartheid.

The wisdom to know the difference, to know what situations I can actually change, is so vital, so important to my finding serenity. It’s more than just picking my battles and determining what fights are worth fighting; it’s knowing which situations I really have any possibility of affecting, and then mustering the courage to actually make a difference.

I have been building a radio station with a partner who has at best been absent, and at worst really dragged on the station’s ability to function. It has brought down the mood of the staff, and tripled my workload on a day to day basis. The little things that are meant to make running the station easier have never happened, and can’t occur because the passwords are held by my partner, forcing me to do things like DJ changes manually.

For the longest time, I put my problems with the co-owner into the category of things I cannot change. I can’t change his work ethic, or his participation in the station. I thought I simply had to accept his lack of participation and move onwards with the station, with the knowledge that eventually the station could be ruined by his absence.

Slowly but surely, I see the station and its morale falling apart as a result of the situation. And after praying about it, I realized it: I could change the situation, I just needed the courage to do so!

Tonight I turned in my resignation to BigDawgRadio. It was a tough thing to do, having spent so much time and energy building the station into a what I consider to be a wonderful station, with amazing DJs, and people I’m proud to consider my friends. But in the end of the day, to heal the station I had to make this move.

I’m still hopeful that my co-owner will step up and allow BigDawgRadio to continue in its present form. But if he doesn’t, I’ll start a new station, and invite the various members of the station to create a new, better station that can exceed the hopes and needs of our audience.

Today, God provided me the courage to change the things I can. I hope he also provided me the wisdom to know the situation I could change, and I believe he did. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better one for this station or another as a result.

Acceptance, Serenity, and Relationships: A Learning Process

2007-07-05T00:51:00.000-04:00

Over the past few days I’ve had two situations where people have been very critical of me. This has led me to a serious struggle for acceptance, both of their having a negative view of me, and more troubling, how this has affected my relationships with others.

My first situation was at the reunion weekend. I received a number of questions about my future plans, and was letting people know some of my goals for the future. One of these situations took place around the dinner table, with my sister, with about 15 members of my family sitting around, including my nephew Eli, who I am crazy about.

Suddenly, my uncle began screaming at me that I should shut up, including some expletives I won’t include here, that I have always been a looser, and that until I actually accomplished something I had no right to speak about future plans. I asked him not to discuss this at the table, but he kept on going, until I finally left the table. He started in again the next night about me being a deadbeat, and I finally had a talk with him.

You see, I can accept that my uncle has negative views about me, and that he’s seen less than positive results from my past. It’s not for me to change his views, even though I don’t always agree that my past was as bad as he thinks it was. But either way, his views are his views, and I accept them. I don’t think it’s really his job to talk to me about them, but if he wants to, he has that right, and I accept that.

What I have trouble accepting is that he can embarrass me in front of my family, especially my nephew. I hope to be a positive influence in my nephew’s life, and to one day be a good role model for him. I know that will take work, but I am putting in that work. For my uncle to destroy my nephew’s view of me while embarrassing me in front of my family seems simply wrong and I have trouble dealing with this behavior.

The second situation involves a female friend, and the woman I love. We’ll call the female friend Linda, and the woman I love we’ll call Dana. The two of them were friends, off and on, for years. Linda would oscillate between treating Dana horribly and then extremely well, based on her needs.

In reality I suspect Linda cares little for Dana, and certainly doesn’t care at all for me, only really caring about herself. Linda is a great actress, and certainly makes people believe she really likes them, and she had me fooled for a long time, but all that changed when she had nothing more to gain from me. Then she turned on me as quickly as she had befriended me 6 months ago.

Right now, Linda has taken to lying to Dana about me in an effort to keep us apart. You know, I can accept Linda’s negative view of me, no problem; it’s her decision how she wants to see me. But telling these lies to Dana, knowing that they’re lies, trying to keep us apart, that is really difficult for me.

Today, she accomplished her goal. Dana and I were walking out of a meeting, and Linda called Dana. When Dana said she was with me, Linda said she wouldn’t talk to Dana if she were spending time with me, and hung up. She called back a few minutes later and had a 20 minute phone call trying to convince Dana not to spend time with me.

I got upset at Dana, which I feel tremendously bad about. For the most part, she really wasn’t at fault. I know if it were me, I would never entertain anyone who would try to tell me who I should or shouldn’t associate with, but Dana was right that I need to accept that she’ll see through the lies and not let Linda come between us. Meanwhile, I had lost all serenity from this situation, and had to remove myself from it.

I do love Dana, and want nothing but the best for her, whether that is with me or without me as a friend. And I accept that Linda has negative views of me, merited or unmerited, and that she has the right to have these feelings. But what I can’t accept is Linda trying to put a wedge in between Dana and I, and trying to keep us apart, especially with lies. That seemed like an attack, and just, for lack of a better word, unacceptable.

That’s where my issues lie: I am able to accept people’s views of me, which is a major leap forward for me. But I am unable to accept people trying to affect other relationships in my life. It’s an important discipline I need to learn if I am going to ever find true serenity in my life. In the mean time, I suppose it’s progress, not perfection, and hope people will be patient with me as more is revealed to me.

Home for the Weekend – Is it Live or is it Memorex?

2007-07-04T01:22:00.000-04:00

This weekend I went home to Philadelphia for a family reunion, and frankly, the experience was very surrealistic. While the trip was good, and it was wonderful to see some family members I haven’t seen in a long time, at times I felt like I had drifted back to my past, and a past I do not remember fondly, per se. Perhaps that’s what going home is all about.

Certainly all initial indicators were that this was a live event: I saw my nieces and nephews, who I totally adore; I saw all of my Dad’s side of the family, a large diverse group of rather colorful individuals with extensive accomplishments and eccentricities; and I was back in the City of Brotherly Love, a place where I no longer live but will always be my home. But there the sense of reality ended.

First off, while this weekend was the annual family reunion, I had a secondary motive for this weekend: to make amends to my family members. As part of my program, I have to clean my side of the slate by revisiting my past and making right my past wrongs. Since it is rare to be around my family, I made a point of making amends to many of my family members this weekend, forcing me to spend a great deal of time reliving my past.

I made amends this weekend to both my father and my mother, my sister, step brother and cousin. This consumed the vast majority of the weekend, and forced me to relive the most shameful moments in my life. Certainly, there was a great sense of relief that came with apologizing for my actions, and I think my relations with all these people was strengthened by the experience. But the process was fairly painful as I experienced events I have worked hard to forget throughout my life.

I also must say that, though I feel like I’ve grown a tremendous amount over the past year, but coming back home I still feel like a kid. I reverted back to the people pleaser, trying to solve all the problems during the weekend, while having difficulty meeting my own needs. This is my traditional role in the family, and without realizing it I naturally fell back into this role.

Perhaps more than anything I felt like all my growth reverted back to pre-recovery Nomad when confronted by a certain uncle who thrives on ruffling the feathers of everyone around him. At first I tried to take a mature approach to his jabs, to take the high road, and discuss my needs rationally with him. But as he told me that he didn’t care about my needs, and ignored my concerns, I again fell back to my temper and the attributes I’ve been trying to eliminate from my character.

After I regained control of myself, and my uncle decided to acknowledge my needs as a result of the outburst, I was able to talk rationally and express my needs, with positive results. That in and of itself was a step forward for me. But I hated that the old temper, which I had begun to think had fallen away from me, could come back so strongly.

There’s a sayings that family members can push our buttons because they installed them, and I think this was particularly true this weekend. And perhaps my guard was down somewhat, from the stress of making so many amends, and the inability to hit my normal regiment of meetings. But in an instant, I was back to the same scared kid who has always gotten me into trouble. I hope he doesn’t come back any time soon.

Elwood the Ugly Dog

2007-06-23T09:41:00.000-04:00

Let me start by saying I am normally a fan of anything that walks around on 4 legs. I have a soft spot in my heart for even the homeliest of pets. And dogs, especially!

But man oh man, this is one ugly dog. Elwood is a 2 year old Chinese Crested and Chihuahua mixed breed, and won the competition for the world’s ugliest dog on Friday. He came in second last year, which has to make me wonder what the winner from last year looked like. Because, man, this dog is UGLY!

The dog comes from New Jersey, so maybe he was hanging out in a toxic dump too long or something. He’s earned the nicknames ET and Yoda, but to me he looks more like a gremlin once they’ve turned evil. Remember Spike? Spitting image, don’t you think? And don’t miss the big audacious named collar around his neck, completing the image.

Elwood’s owner, Karen Quigley, had this to say about the dog: "The breeder was going to euthanize him because she thought he was too ugly to sell. So ha ha, now Elwood's all over the Internet and people love him and adore him." I don’t know about know about adoring him, Karen, but he sure is funny to look at…from a distance.

Israeli Tourism Industry Collaborates with Maxim to Show Finer Side of Israeli Life

2007-06-22T02:05:00.000-04:00

Israel has seen a sharp decline in tourism over the past few years. The deteriorating situations in Lebanon and Gaza and the resulting hostilities against Israel have dried up Israeli’s primary source of revenue, tourism, especially amongst males ages 18-38. So the Ministry of Tourism is advertising in a magazine that has a firm grasp of this demographic: Maxim Magazine!

Maxim is to young adult males what Cosmo is to young adult females. The magazine promises “girls, sex, and sports” and falls barely short of being pornographic. What’s more, the advertisement for Israel certainly comes even closer to being pornographic, featuring Miss Israel 2004 Gal Gadot barely covered and lying in an erotic position promoting a pro-Israel club event.

David Saranga, of the consul for media and public affairs, finds this the best way to appeal to young adult males.

We found that Israel's image among men aged 18-38 is lacking, so we thought we'd approach them with an image they'd find appealing. When you see beautiful women, good-looking people, on the beaches of Tel Aviv ... you understand that Israel has to deal with the conflict, it's true, and there are religious elements in its society, but there are also other things. I want people to know that Israel is much more than a conflict, that people in Israel have normal lives.

Not surprisingly, the religious right is dead set against the advertisement, and is trying to block the ad from being run in July’s Maxim. MK Colette Avital called for an urgent session of parliament to discuss the “pressing matter of state”. MK Zahava Gal-On indicated that Israel should be focusing on “women of substance and accomplishments” rather than selling sex.

Meanwhile, the models see posing for Maxim as an acto fo Zionism. 25 year old former air force sergeant Tali Handel had this to say about the Maxim spread:

The fact that I can represent this country makes me very proud. I don't see anything negative about it. Nothing else brings [people] here, not Jerusalem, not the beautiful nature. People are not interested. So, I think it's okay to use something else to bring them.

The truth is that the Maxim spread may be more representative of Israel than people guess. Many people associate Israel with Orthodox Jews and religious conflict. And certainly the religious right maintains a tremendous amount of power because of their role in maintaining the coalition government. But in many ways, the secular community is the backbone of modern-day Israel.

Secular Jews are the significant majority in Israel today. They have developed a thriving high-tech industry that has provided Israel both a significant economy and the weaponry that has kept Israel alive despite its many conflicts. Israel has a nightlife and music industry that compares with any secular party scene in Europe. And yes, Israel has some of the most beautiful beaches and beautiful women in the world.

While the ultra-Orthodox spit on the soldiers who protect their lives, and use their inordinate power to pass legislation that hinders industry and tourism, the secular community is building a country that can compete in the real world. Now they are attracting people to that country, using the country’s natural resources. I have no problem with the spread, and hope it is not blocked by the Knesset.

Storm Brewing Over Rushdie Knighthood

2007-06-20T00:00:00.000-04:00

There is a storm brewing, and no one is noticing. It’s not out in the Atlantic, and it won’t produce torrential rains. But it packs the same uncertainty and potential for destruction associated with the hurricanes we’ve experienced in the past few years.

The storm is the anger and frustration from the Muslim community. We saw a similar storm produced by the publishing of cartoons of the prophet Mohammed. We also saw a similar storm brewing when thousands of Lebanese civilians were killed in the conflict between Israel and Hezbollah last year, but the storm fizzled over land as so many hurricanes do.

This storm brews over an offense to the religion of Islam itself. The eye of this storm focuses on the knighting of Salman Rushdie, author of “The Satanic Verses”, a book which basically proposes the theory that the prophet Mohammed was fooled by the Devil as opposed to being enlightened by God. The book proposes that Islam needs to be theologically reviewed.

After writing “The Satanic Verses”, the late Iranian supreme leader, Ayatollah Khomeini issued a fatwa death warrant against Rushdie, sending him into hiding for 18 years. That death warrant has never been lifted, and now Islamic extremists have placed an 80,000 pound bounty on the author’s head. Mohammad Reza Bahonar, first deputy speaker of the Iranian parliament, addressed the Rushdie incident in parliament:

Salman Rushdie has turned into a hated corpse which cannot be resurrected by any action. The action by the British queen in knighting Salman Rushdie, the apostate, is an unwise one. The British monarch lives under this illusion that Britain is still a 19th century superpower and that bestowing titles is something still deemed important.

Tasnim Aslam, Pakistani Foreign Ministry spokeswoman, indicated that the appointment of knighthood to Rushdie is an insensitive act towards the Muslim community:

He was told that Salman Rushdie has been a controversial figure who is known less for his literary contribution and more for his offensive and insulting writing which deeply hurts the sentiments of Muslims all over the world. Conferment of a knighthood on Salman Rushdie shows an utter lack of sensitivity on the part of the British government.

Gerald Butt, editor of the Middle East Economic Survey, said:

It will be interpreted as an action calculated to goad Muslims at a time when the atmosphere is already very tense and Britain’s standing in the region is very low because of its involvement in Iraq and its lack of action in tackling the Palestine issue.

Just like the protests following the publication of cartoons of Mohammed, protests are beginning to spring up in Muslim communities around the world. In Pakistan, effigies of Rushdie and Queen Elizabeth, were burnt during protests. In Multan, Karachi and Lahore, hundreds of protestors set fire to British flags and called for “Death to Britain, Death to Rushdie”. A party at the British embassy in Tehranand to celebrate Rushdie was also protested, as Muslims threw stones, eggs, and paint filled bags.

Mohammed Ijaz ul-Haq, Pakistan’s Religious affairs minister, provided the most troubling statement.

This is an occasion for the world's 1.5 billion Muslims to look at the seriousness of this decision. The West is accusing Muslims of extremism and terrorism. If someone exploded a bomb on his body he would be right to do so, unless the British government apologises and withdraws the 'sir' title.

Only time will tell if we are looking at the beginning of mass protests in Muslim communities throughout the world, or if this storm will fizzle as others have in the past. But this storm is an important one to watch. It is a storm which is rapidly picking up steam, and even if it turns into a dud, this storm may contribute to the bigger storm that I have worried about for some time now.

US Kills Children In Afghanistan – Will This Light The Fuse?

2007-06-18T10:42:00.000-04:00

This isn’t exactly a new trick at all. Hezbollah and Hamas have been playing this trick on Israel for years and years, always with the goal of igniting international condemnation of the young Jewish state. And now the US has fallen for the same trick, this time played out by Al Qaeda.

The plot is simple: do whatever necessary to show your enemy a juicy target, one ripe with combatants and seemingly free of civilians, hide some civilians in the location, and then wait for the enemy to bomb the location. After the bombing, show the innocent casualties and bemoan the evil ways of the aggressor.

During the Grapes of Wrath campaign in South Lebanon, Hezbollah fired Katyusha rockets from behind a hospital, and the retaliation by Israel killed many infirmed Lebanese. In Gaza, Qassam rockets were fired from behind an orphanage last years, and the retaliation resulted in the deaths of children. And in the latest war in South Lebanon, Katyushas were regularly fired from populated areas, with civilians as human shields.

In all these examples, as well as many others where similar tactics were used, the goal was simple: foster international condemnation of Israel, cutting it off from the international support the country relies upon to survive. However, it’s equally obvious that the United States would neither receive such international condemnation nor would the condemnation affect it so radically. So why employ this strategy at this time?

With chaos prevailing in many countries in the Middle East, the goal seems apparent to me: to unite the Muslim people behind a common enemy, the United States!

The first rule of warfare in the Middle East is that the enemy of my enemy is my friend, at least for today. Because of this, two parties who have been feuding for decades or centuries can suddenly find themselves united against a third party at the drop of a hat. The rapidly changing allegiances in the region are what make fighting there so challenging, and so deadly.

The US has already experienced this once before, in Lebanon, where the US Marines suddenly became the common enemy and was attacked by a coalition of Lebanese forces that had been fighting each other only for years. In 1983, the US didn’t realize that they had become the common enemy as early as February. Not understand the rules of war in the Middle East cost the US 241 servicemen in Beirut that year.

Once again, we are seeing the push to make the US the common enemy. Perhaps the goal is to stop the Muslim on Muslim fighting being seen in Lebanon and Palestine. Maybe the desire is to pull countries like Jordan and Egypt, which have been on the sidelines during all the latest conflict, into the fray. But any way you look at it, while children were the victims here, the target was the US military.

The story is fairly well buried in the American press; CNN shows the story half way down their main page, and doesn’t even list it in the Middle East section, Fox News includes it in their third section, and Google News only adds it at the very end of their World News section. But Al Jazeera leads off with the story, as do other local news portals from the Middle East. Even BBC news makes this a top headline.

The American press focuses on the fact that children were told to stay inside the building, and weren’t allowed to go outside all day, preventing the military from knowing of their presence. Also, the American press, points out lack of damage to a nearby mosque, pointing to our respect for Islam. Al Jazeera doesn’t even mention these things, and links the killings to the 1500 civilian deaths in Afghanistan over the past 17 months.

Only time will tell if this tactic will be at all effective in provoking retaliation against the US military, or even against US civilians. But one thing is apparent to me, this morning when the US conducted an air strike against an Al Qaeda compound, we were actually the targets.

Free Speech: Lee Kaplan v Yaman Salahi

2007-06-17T02:02:00.000-04:00

To me, the most important principle for a free society is freedom of speech. Without this basic freedom, society gains the ability to control the information going to its citizens, and prevent healthy debate on crucial issues. Along those lines, blogging has become a vital piece of national debate in this country, and allows people to express their opinions, complete with thorough background information, in an organized fashion.

Admittedly, I disagree with many bloggers out there, and find some dangerous. But freedom of speech is naturally challenged by the extremes, and only by preserving the rights of these extreme speakers or writers are the rights of everyone preserved. Only by allowing the most hateful people to speak freely can we hear all sides of the debate, and really analyze the most difficult issues facing our society.

Yaman Salahi, a college student, has a blog called Lee Kaplan Watch. He has issues with a pro-Israel writer named, you guessed it, Lee Kaplan, who writes for FrontPageMag. Now I have to say I don’t know much of Kaplan’s work, but from what I’ve read so far, he is more conservative than I am, but not horrible or dishonest. Understand, though, I’ve only read a small amount of his work, and perhaps he’s worse than I know.

But regardless of whether you agree or disagree with Lee Kaplan, to my mind, Yaman Salahi has the right to blog about him. In fact, our society needs Salahi to blog about Mr. Kaplan, so that we can critically analyze Kaplan’s work.

Kaplan decided to sue Yaman Salahi for business interference, and actually won his case in small claims court. College student Salahi was required to pay $7,500 in damages. Oddly enough, since the case was settled in small claims court, the judge was not required to issue a response or explain his decision. But unquestionably, any decision limiting the rights of bloggers to speak their mind is, in my humble opinion, dangerous.

Salahi writes:

My first amendment rights have been subverted with support from the courts, which only shows that everybody is in danger of facing these abusive small claims court defamation suits. My speech has been punished by a ruling with no opinion explaining why or advising me what not to do in the future… I will never know what element of Kaplan's claim, if any, the judge agreed with, though Kaplan will certainly continue to claim that all of them were accepted, though he knows well that this is not the case.

In reality, I suspect that Kaplan’s views are closer to my own than Salahi’s. But if we allow bloggers to be censored, we threaten the very freedom of our society that makes it so appealing. Let’s hope that this decision is corrected, and the rights of bloggers are protected by our courts, as was intended by the first amendment of the constitution, protecting citizen’s right to freedom of speech.

Sopranos Suspenseful, but Super, Stupid, or Special?

2007-06-13T00:37:00.000-04:00

Two days after the long-awaited finale of the Sopranos, I still have trouble getting my mind around the cut-to-black conclusion that left me wanting so much more.

The episode, up until the last 15 seconds, was amazing, filled with a level of suspense and anticipation that has rarely been produced by any television show or movie. At every turn I expected one of the show’s many loose ends to be tied up, probably with a bullet through the back of the head.

While only one loose end was tied up that definitively, that being the much hated Phil Leotardo, I had no issue with most of the plot-lines being left in limbo. But I, like every other person who watched all 85 previous episodes, was hoping to find out the fate of the hero, Tony Soprano. Will he live or die? Go to prison, flee the state, or even take over Phil’s family? I guess we’ll never know.

That is what is so vexing about the ending to this show. For so many seasons, Tony has become an odd hero. We see his flaws as clear as day, but we also see the other side to him, and perhaps we all identify with some of the issues he faces. I have cheered for him in season after season, to get through the various challenges he and his family have faced. How can I not know if he prevails through these challenges?

I’ve been reading a ton of opinions on the finale, and drawing my own conclusions. At first I felt that David Chase was trying to say that the Soprano family was moving back to business as usual, and that Tony’s life would remain relatively unchanged, which is a great thought. I also thought that this could be the precursor to a Sopranos movie, which many have speculated over the years, but that would be a horrible way to promote the next endeavor.

But perhaps this is something else. Perhaps this is a level of genius that is rarely seen in our day and age. Had we been given a conclusion to the series, a true ending, I suspect that invariably many people would have been disappointed. But with this lack of ending, the number of possibilities is endless. The viewer is left to his or her imagination to determine what really happens to Tony.

Maybe the man at the counter or the man in the bathroom will come and shoot the whole family, including Tony, or maybe one will pass Tony the information to get him out of his legal troubles. Maybe meadow will be hit crossing the street, maybe she will witness the death of her father, or maybe she’ll have a legal solution to defend her father and keep him out of jail. With this ending, we can find out own ending.

This isn’t the first time that an artist has used ambiguity to provoke the audience’s imagination. What is the Mona Lisa looking at? How did Schubert envision his 8th Symphony ending? Only time will tell, but perhaps The Sopranos, ground breaking in so many ways, will one day be seen as a work of art itself. If so, the ending will certainly be cited as provoking similar levels of discussion as other historical masterpieces. In the mean time, I’ll just choose to believe that Tony is alive and eating sushi.

Bar/Bat Mitzvah, Teaching, and the Road Towards Adulthood

2007-06-12T01:20:00.000-04:00

One of the true blessings in my life is that I get to teach 7th grade Hebrew school here in Rochester. These students are preparing for their Bar and Bat Mitzvah’s, which denotes their movement into young adulthood. These students are finding their place in the world, and discovering themselves in the process. I believe it’s my role to help them discover what they believe and who they are, apart from the many influences each student feels.

As such, my curriculum is a bit out of the ordinary. I focus on getting my students to think, to challenge the normal perspectives and find their own voices in the world. What’s more, I push the students to use these voices, to make themselves heard and felt. I challenge them to make a difference in the world, and to stand up for what they believe.

Both my years I’ve been fortunate to have students that have the potential to make a difference in the world. But in an age where apathy runs rampant, and where people are taught that it’s best to go along to get along, the key is to motivate these students to actually make a difference.

This year, I’ve been called upon to speak at the Bar and Bat Mitzvahs of my students, due to the recent passing of our beloved Rabbi. And while I mourn the loss of the Rabbi’s words to these young adults, the situation has provided me the opportunity to give each of the students one more message, hopefully some memorable words that can guide them as they do find their own identity.

To me, it’s all about these boys and girls filling their potential as men and women. Each of them truly has the ability to be special, and to make a difference in a world that needs difference makers. I’m trying to use the speeches to point that out to these remarkable individuals the potential they have, and to motivate them to use it.

In the end of the day, I am playing a minor role in the lives of these students, and I’m privileged to play any role in their development. But if, by some chance, I can use these parting words to help push them to reach their infinite potential, then I know that I, too, have made a real difference in the world today. And that is a privilege indeed.

A Difficult Passing

2007-06-10T18:13:00.000-04:00

I went to a funeral today for a member of my fellowship, a really good guy who we’ll call TH for now. I must admit, it was more than a little heartbreaking, and I find myself reeling from the loss.

TH was a 34 year old doctor, and a great guy. He always seemed to have a smile on his face, and there was a certain freedom to his laugh that, if you heard it, you would remember. It came from deep in his gut, and said clear as day that this was a person who was having a good time.

TH was the type of guy you can count on, the type of person who was there for you if you ever really needed anything. People knew they could count on him 100%, and that he was a great listener. He was the type of person who you wanted in your life. It’s hard to imagine why someone like that would be taken so young.

Two weeks ago, I was hurting from a particular set of incidents. They weren’t the end of the world or anything, but they were enough to get me inside of my head, and that’s a dangerous place. TH was obviously busy, but he took the time to talk with you, to put my situation in perspective, and to get me laughing.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I couldn’t help but wonder why a guy like TH was taken, and why time after time I’ve been spared. I’ve been in near death situations so many times now, and each time I survive, while these great people have been taken. Maybe it’s just self pity, but I can’t figure out why he would be chosen for this freak accident instead of me.

In the end of the day, I can’t know God’s will. But it is difficult to see good people, people who help others and contribute, taken so early in life, while I am spared time and again. I suppose the best I can do is to try to make the most of my time here, and to make a real difference in the world for the people who are now unable to.

I’ll miss TH, the laughter and the smile. But maybe I’ll also learn from his passing, and improve myself as a result of it. Another member of my fellowship says no one is truly gone if they are still remembered, and I will always remember TH.

Go in peace, friend. Know you will be missed!

New Music for the Nomad – Discovering Jazz

2007-06-08T00:51:00.001-04:00

Tonight, I went out to hear a new band. They are a combination of Jazz and very psychedelic music, and were far outside of any genre that I normally prefer, but I have to tell you that I walked away psyched after having heard some excellent musicianship.

The band consisted of a saxophone, a bass player, and a person on a synthesizer. A person also came in for one song and played a sitar. Plus, the bass went through a variety of digital enhancements so that it really sounded little like a traditional bass, and the saxophone player also used a variety of instruments, including a clarinet, a bongo drum, and even at one point a blender.

At first I thought that the music had little or no structure. But as I listened closer, I realized that while the music lacked chords, structure certainly existed. There was rhythm, melody, and a structure that, while being untraditional, certainly tied the music together and provided a flow that was extremely compelling.

Particularly talented was the saxophone player, who obviously was brimming over with ability and stood at the forefront of most of the music played. He seemed to drive the music, to consistently move it forward and give it definition. His rifts were tremendously tight, and he showed an adeptness that couldn’t help but impress.

I was speaking with the saxophonist afterwards, and found out that with over 30 years of playing the sax, he is a huge jazz enthusiast. I was thrilled when he agreed to teach me a bit more about jazz, and even more excited when he agreed to do a show on BigDawgRadio, turning our listeners on to a great deal of music that they may not have heard before.

In short order, we’ll find a slot for this new jazz show, and I can guarantee that I will be one of the listeners. But it’s really exciting to hear a new music, something I don’t know that well, and to begin to explore a whole new genre for a beauty that, for me, has been as yet undiscovered.

Are you a jazz fan? Are you interested in getting turned on to some jazz, as well as other types of music that are of similar genres? Well, then I’m in the same boat as you are, and perhaps together we can get psyched for BigDawgRadio’s next offering, a night of jazz!

Bloomberg Says Stop Worrying; Nomad Agrees

2007-06-05T11:15:00.001-04:00

Wouldn’t that be an awesome headline? As if anyone really cares what I think about issues like this. But really, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has hit the nail on the head, when he indicated that New Yorkers shouldn't fret over the recent plot to blow up a fuel pipeline into JFK airport.

"There are lots of threats to you in the world. There's the threat of a heart attack for genetic reasons. You can't sit there and worry about everything. Get a life," he said. "You have a much greater danger of being hit by lightning than being struck by a terrorist," he added.

The truth is, most Americans don’t really understand the nature of terrorism. Most people think it’s about killing civilians, and maximizing death tolls of unsuspecting victims. Yet I’ve met people who have later wound up being terrorists, and the remarkable thing is that many do value life.

Believe it or not, the goal is not to kill people. Rather, killing people is the only way to accomplish the goal most terrorists have. So what is the goal? It’s fear! Just like the name would suggest, terrorists want to strike terror into the hearts of their opponents. And most see the fear of death as the largest of all fears.

But it goes a step further than that; most terrorists are trying to make us afraid to live our normal lives. This is why most attacks are focused on the activities we do daily. Transportation will always be a target. Workplaces that many people arrive at daily are a target for terrorists. Even markets with many daily shoppers. If terrorists can make you afraid to live your daily life, they are accomplishing their goals.

I lived in Israel for many years (as readers of my blog know), and it was more than obvious that terrorists were targeting the daily lives of the Israeli citizens, trying to make life so fearful that it is unbearable. The killings are an unfortunate byproduct of this plan, though how unfortunate a byproduct ranges depending on the nature of the terrorist; some care less about these deaths than others.

There is an additional advantage to this strategy, which was discovered by terrorists long ago: even failed terrorist attempts can be successful in striking fear into the enemy. In Israel, the citizens make a point of living their lives, of going about their daily business without fear of the unknown, embracing each day and accepting the dangers of the unknown, because living life any other way would be to let the terrorists win.

That, essentially, is what Michael Bloomberg is advocating. He is saying that we need to live our lives to the fullest, and not live in fear of terrorism, because altering our lives even one iota would be to let the terrorists succeed, and would invite more terrorism. He understands that defeating terrorism is less about foiling a plot and more about embracing our lives, without fear of these attacks. And I applaud him for it!

The Monday Love Line

2007-06-05T01:53:00.000-04:00

Today was the premier of the newest show on BigDawgRadio, called the Monday Love Line, and frankly, it was a total blast. This was clearly the most interactive show we’ve done to date on the station, and I came away wishing we were doing this show every night.

Basically, the Monday Love Line runs from 7:00 pm to midnight every Monday night, and is hosted by DJ Hippie Chick and myself, DJ Nomad. Both shows are dedicated to that crazy little thing called love, and the difference in perspectives between men and women.

On both shows, we address love-related topics and letters submitted by our listeners, and give our own opinions on these issues. Both Hippie Chick and I will talk about the same issues, so you can get a real feel for the different way men and women look at the same topics, which was more than evident tonight.

Of course, it’s not all love, because let’s face it, the world is not all about love today. We touch on sex, breakups, intimacy, marriage, one night stands, basically anything where men and women are getting together. And no topic is taboo; let us know what you want to hear about, and both Hippie Chick and I will cover it. Why? Because like the rest of BigDawgRadio, this show is the listeners, and that’s what I love about it!

But it’s not all talk. The show is peppered with the greatest love songs of all time, spanning a number of genres. We do requests and, of course, dedications, sometimes from one loved one to another, sometimes to a potential sexual partner, sometimes even to someone a listener is pissed off at. The sky is the limit on the Monday Love Line.

So tonight turned out to be a total blast. I find myself wishing I was doing another show like this one during the week, but good things come to those who wait. And next week, Monday night, we’ll hit it again, and even improve on the show. Listen in, or better yet, send us a letter or topic. And get the answers you want, from the male and female perspective, next Monday on the Love Line. Hope to see you there!

Iran Ups the Pressure on Israel

2007-06-04T02:22:00.000-04:00

Iran and its president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad stepped up the pressure against Israel this weekend, both with public statements and a new TV series aimed at fostering anti-Zionist sentiment. Along with the unpredictable future of neighboring Lebanon and the improved weaponry of Hamas in the Gaza Strip, there can’t help but be concern inside Israel and throughout the Jewish community worldwide.

On Sunday, Ahmadinejad indicated that the Lebanese and Palestinians had pressed “the countdown button” on the destruction of the state of Israel. Ahmadinejad’s anti-Israeli rhetoric has been the cause of much concern since his election two years ago, but his recent speech seems to be stepping up the threats.

"By God's will, we will witness the destruction of this regime in the near future. If you make a mistake and create another war against the oppressed Lebanese nation, this time the angry ocean of the nations of the region will remove your rotten ... roots from the region.”

Already, the military support from Iran has served to thoroughly destabilize the Lebanese government, and threatens to create Israel’s most hostile border. And recent improvements in the accuracy of missiles being fired from Gaza, also credited to technology from Iran, have created chaos in southern Israel. One can only expect that Iran will continue to provide support to anti-Zionist organizations, and further destabilize Israel.

To increase legitimacy for Iran’s recent moves with the Iranian people, Iranian state television is airing a new series called “A Zero Degree Turn” aimed at promoting Ahmadinejad’s version of the Holocaust and the birth of Israel. Basically, the show promotes the concept that Israel is the result of a European problem, and the Jewish people should be relocated back to Europe.

The early episodes of the show focus on an Iranian man and Jewish woman who are friends. The Jewish woman, Sarah Struck, is concerned about the growing power of the Nazis after her father is killed, and her whole family fears for their future. The show focuses on the economic power of the Jewish people, the war being forced on Germany because of the growing Jewish power, and ignores the role of the Jewish philosophers and early Zionists.

The show portrays Iran as traditionally a friend to the Jewish people, while presenting Europe as racist and persecuting the Jewish people. Still, the show denotes a clear anti-Zionist viewpoint, which is obviously the reason the show has been created in the first place. The show’s bias is stated clearly by Sarah’s uncle, Rabbi Weiss:

"External pressures are trying to settle the Jews and the Muslims together, and it is impossible. The Jewish fate has always been complicated and difficult. The solution is not emigration to Arab countries, where there are Arab citizens."

It has become clear during Ahmadinejad’s term that the destruction of the State of Israel is a priority. This threat, however, is not only to Israel itself, but as the West’s greatest ally in the Middle East, it is a threat to the United States and our European allies. This situation definitely bears watching, as Iran becomes a greater danger to the Israel and to the world in general.

Gotta Love It When A Plan Comes Together

2007-06-01T00:29:00.000-04:00

Yep, no question about it, nothing better than seeing a plan come together, especially one that has taken a lot of time and a lot of effort. The harder you work at it, the more satisfaction there when the plan works out. And with regards to BigDawgRadio, there was plenty of work that went into it, so it’s awesome to see it finally panning out.

10 months ago, when I started working with BigDawgRadio, I had a vision of a team of people, all equals, working together to bring a wide variety of music and entertainment to web-based listeners. Yes, I thought that maybe somewhere down the road we would get sponsors or advertisers, and I even considered the possibility of going to satellite or some other media. But the real goal was the team and the high level of energy and entertainment.

Well, that’s finally happened. For the first time since BigDawgRadio started, we have live DJs every night. And frankly, all the DJs are great at their particular genres, and have great on-air personalities. We have a wide variety of genres, with different nights for different styles and audiences, and are interactive with our listeners, making it more than just the music that we provide to our listeners.

But more than that, we really are a team. The DJs I’m working with today are passionate, about the music, about the station, and about life. They seem to love going on the air and giving people a good time, and each one is there for the other, always willing to help if someone needs help with any aspect of a show, or even with life. Being a part of such a team is really amazing!

With the team in place, we can focus on perfecting the schedule to really cater to the listeners. Thursday nights will be Alternative night, with a full lineup of DJs playing some of the best in newer Alternative music. And now Sunday and Tuesday nights will include our first country shows, for those of you with the cowboy boots. Never know, you might even get back your truck and mama after a few nights with Val.

Plus, we’ll be trying out some new types of shows, like the Monday Love Line, where DJ Hippie Chick and I (DJ Nomad) will have back to back shows, with each of us playing music and responding to requests for advice from listeners. We’ll each respond to the same letters, so listeners will get both a male and female perspective on the issues which trouble them. There are even plans for a show about the paranormal in the works!

There are many plans in the works for building the station, and we would love your suggestions. But the best part is definitely the creation of a team of people that are more like a family to me than co-workers. It’s a blast working at the station today, I couldn’t love it more! So come on over to BigDawgRadio, and join in the fun!

Ferocious Feline

2007-05-28T14:33:00.000-04:00

Ok, not exactly….in fact not at all. This is the cutest kitty in the whole world, Pinky!

Pinky was given to me by a friend in the program when I was really struggling, early on. The cat was her son’s, and when her son had moved home, suddenly there were too many cats in her house, and this cat was destined for a new home. She was small, a bit skittish, and never ever responded to her name, which at the time was Metal (like the music).

First things first, this cat was no Metal. She has this little locket around her neck that says “Cool Cat”, and so I tried to think of the coolest female cat I know. And then it came to me…Pinky Tuscadero, Fonzie’s girlfriend from Happy Days. And just like that, a new name for the cat was found. Funnily enough, she responded to the name immediately.

Once she had her own living environment, Pinky really came out of her shell as well. With her own food supply, she started growing bigger quickly. And her personality blossomed. She is a totally an attention hog, and wherever I am, whatever I’m doing, she’s got to be in the middle of it. If I’m reading, she sits on the book. If I’m working on the computer, she’s on the keyboard (like now). And if I’m DJing, she loves purring into the mic.

When I lie down, Pinky either lies down next to me or sits on the windowsill right above my bed. When it’s time for my shower, she stands on her hind legs at the shower with me, sticking her paw in the water just like I do to test the temperature, though she waits outside the door while I’m actually in the shower; I think she’s a bit scared of the water, and I want my privacy at that point anyway.

It’s not always easy. Pinky will follow me everywhere, and often gets under my feet. And when I’m asleep, she has a tendency to lick my hands or push on my face with her paws. But I know it’s out of affection, and it’s all cool by me. You know, she’s my baby, and I could never really find it in me to be mad with her.

Anyway, that’s my Pinky Tuscadero! I think there may not be as cool a kitty out there as her, and certainly not as cute a cat for sure. Next time I’m on the air, listen for her, and I’m sure you’ll hear her talking into the mic. And don’t worry, there’s not a ferocious bone inside her. She’s just my cute little kitty, and I’m crazy about her!

The Dreaded Phone Call, Killing the Suspense

2007-05-24T00:34:00.001-04:00

I think everyone has been through it before. You shut yourself off from the world so that the show you’ve been waiting for won’t be spoiled. It’s that special episode, the one that’s meant to blow your mind, and you know 5 minutes after it’s over every news broadcast and website will be talking about it, so you seclude yourself to watch the episode without it being spoiled. And then someone calls and spoils it.

I came home full of anticipating for the season finale of Lost, the ABC blockbuster show that has kept me guessing for 3 straight seasons now. I came home with multiple questions to be answered: was Locke alive, can Charlie survive the flooding of underwater hatch, will the others be killed by the trap set up by Sayeed, and most importantly, will Jack get the survivors of flight 815 off the island?

So I shut myself off from the world, turn on the DVR, and start watching the episode. And it’s amazing! Tons of action, right from the get goes. Charlie getting his butt whooped by two girls as he tries to stop the others from jamming the signal, Jack playing Moses as he leads the survivors to the radio tower, and Sayeed’s contingent blowing up 7 others and then getting captured. Add in great Jack flashbacks, and I was loving it.

And then the phone rings. Immediate panic, as I realize it’s a friend who watches the show. I know if I pick up he’ll tell me something I don’t want to hear, but I always pick up the phone. After some internal debate, I finally decide, this is one time I’m going to have to not pick up, and send it to the answering machine.

My gut says that he’ll hear the machine and hang up, but no dice, the friend starts talking. I turn up the volume on the TV, trying to mute him out. I can barely hear him now, mainly just mumbling. Until he talks louder, to say “can you believe?” and then scream “the flashback was actually a flash into the future….incredible!” And just like that, all the secrets were blown.

Of course what followed is my shoe thrown at the answering machine, and knocking it off the wall. I should have thought of it two minutes earlier, then the episode wouldn’t have been blown. I did watch the end of the episode, but it just wasn’t the same. Tomorrow I’ll call the friend and give him some crap for spoiling the episode for me, but for now I guess I’ll just have to look forward to next season.

And meanwhile, I think it’s time to look for an answering machine where I can’t hear the messages as their left. Well worth the investment, don’t you think?

The Higher Your Expectations, The Worse the Outcome

2007-05-22T00:56:00.000-04:00

An interesting topic came up in last night’s post, and in another earlier post: that when you raise your expectations about a certain event, truly count on any event to be something special, it never goes as planned. In fact, the higher your expectations, the lower the expectations.

I always thought this was a part of Murphy’s Law, that whatever can go wrong will go wrong. That of course is a ridiculous notion, many things could go worse than they do. But there really is a principle here which applies to the situation: that pushing your will over God’s will never works out.

Now, I don’t consider myself a holy roller or anything, in fact I’m not very religious at all. But I have learned through my program that when I do God’s will, things go as they should, and I can live with the outcome. Sometimes I might wish things turned out differently, but there are no accidents in God’s world, and I find the results are acceptable.

Yes, sometimes it’s hard to know God’s will, but normally I can figure out what God wants me to do with any given situation. At the very least, it’s normally fairly easy to figure out what isn’t God’s will. And if I listen to the people around me, the people who are living a fairly spiritual life, God’s will normally becomes pretty clear to me.

When our hopes are high, and we have major expectations for a given situation, we really mean that we taking back our will. We are putting our goals for a situation above God’s intended result of a situation, and that never works out. Let’s face it, that is a game we will never win; events will always end the way they are meant to end, and we can not change that outcome, however hard we try.

This latest incident was a perfect example of ignoring God’s will and choosing my own will. When my earlier attempts at a date failed, I should have realized the message that was being sent, but I wanted my own will, my own outcome, to be fulfilled. It is no surprise, then, that when the date finally did occur, the outcome was not as I would have liked.

The crazy thing is that perhaps I was meant to keep trying and eventually have the failed date, in order to learn a somewhat painful lesson. Perhaps that was God’s will too. And I can live with that, because accepting God’s will is an important step towards happiness.

Tomorrow will be another opportunity to follow that will. I’m grateful for the opportunity to learn from this situation, and to move forward.

Bad First Date: Putting My Worst Foot Forward

2007-05-21T01:56:00.000-04:00

Over the past few months I’ve come to believe that any time you really look forward to something, raising your expectations and hopes on the event, it’s doomed to failure. Case and point: my date Saturday night!

Now first off, truth be told, I have little chance with this woman. We are close already, but she has decided that she is interested in another man. Still, I like her; she has so much going for her and yet doesn’t realize half of how wonderful she is. So I figured if I had the chance to show her a few of my better attributes, she might give me a real chance.

I figured my best shot would be cooking, since I’m a good cook, to say the least. But when I would invite her over at dinner time in the past, something would always come up, and we wouldn’t be able to get together. Already I had bought food to cook 3 times, without every having cooked a morsel for her. But finally, the opportunity came up, and I got the chance to cook for her Saturday.

I had a great meal planned out. I was cooking Chinese, a pineapple lemon chicken, and Szechwan vegetables, all over a bed of saffron rice. It’s probably the best meal I cook, and I knew it would come out well.

First we had some confusion on the time, which sort of messed up the timing of the meal. So now I’m hurrying a bit, trying to get this really tasty meal together before she implodes from hunger. Let me tell you, one thing you don’t want to do is hurry your cooking when you’re making Chinese food.

I started with the pineapple lemon chicken, in two parts, and then combined them and put them and set them simmering. So far so good. Now for the vegetables; I put the oil in the wok, and put in the mustard seed to pop. Once the seed stopped exploding I took the lid off the wok, and was going to add vegetables.

I was simultaneously preparing the rice, and it took a couple minutes to add the vegetables. When I turned back towards the wok, it was burning, just a bit, but some definite flames. I turned on the fan and opened the door, to let the smoke out before the alarm went off. Too late, the insidious beeping started. And then, the fan seemed to accelerate the flames, making them pop up.

Now I’m trying to keep my cool and put the fire out before I make my date panic. Well, I’m just not that smooth. I bring the wok over to the sink just as she walks in to ask if everything is alright. I put the wok under the water, and the flames leap up to the ceiling, blackening my wall and making me see spots which still aren’t going away. Meanwhile, thick smoke is billowing out of the kitchen, and she needs to leave the apartment.

I wasn’t far behind; as soon as I got the flames out, I had to leave, as it was impossible to breath in the apartment. Eventually we had to go back in to try to find my cat, as we were worried about her in the smoke, but this was a bad idea for my date, as she breathed in the smoke and wound up coughing all that night and the next day. In fact, she was so affected by the smoke she could hardly taste the food.

Well, so much for putting my best foot forward. Instead of seeing me as the great master chef who she would want to feed her on a regular basis, she sees me as the person who tried to kill her with my smoking wok. Survey says…XXX!

So anyway, I wouldn’t say it’s my worst date, but certainly not my best date at all. How about you? Ever really blown a date you really wanted to go well? Ever left the exact opposite lasting impression on someone you really cared about than you wanted to? How about sharing your stories here, and we perhaps we can work together to figure out how to put a better foot forward next time.

Growing Up Philly Style

2007-05-17T00:54:00.000-04:00

I grew up in Philadelphia, a city with a beat all its own. This beat pervaded the whole city. It seemed like everyone walked to that beat when I was a kid, bouncing along to a rhythm no one could hear. It was the rhythm of passion, and it was contagious. It was the beat of the heart, and we all moved to it. It made Philly this electric place, a place where people thrived or died, but never just survived. Philly was my home: it created me, hook, line, sinker, and I became addicted to the energy that made Philly great.

People who came into the city just heard noise, the deafening noise of millions of voices and screams in the night. The bullets of mafia drive-byes, the pounding of hundreds of kids pushing over cop vans on South Street on a Friday night, the thumping of the poor kid who walked into the wrong neighborhood as hundreds of locals kick him, even the clickety clack of the typewriters that fueled one of the largest commercial districts in the country.

The noise was also the fiercest sports fans in the country, cheering on the Eagles, Flyers, Phillies, and 76ers, throwing snowballs at Santa and cheering injured opponents. It was the hundred people lined up around the block at Pat’s cheese steak, waiting for the best sandwich in the world. It was the clanking of the nightsticks of the mob thugs hired as cops to keep order in the craziest city in the world, and the boom of the thermonuclear “entrance device” that burnt a city block to the ground when residents took on the law.

And it was the music! Great music was coming out of Philly in the 70s and 80s. Philadelphia International Studios was producing some of the best R&B in the country, with acts like The O’Jays, Teddy Pendergrass, The Whitehead Brothers, and a ton of other bands that made up the traditional Philly sound. Plus, there were the rockers: Bruce Springsteen was right across the bridge, George Thoroughgood was playing clubs every weekend night, even Hall and Oats were producing awesome music before they sold out.

Yeah, visitors thought it all made up a deafening noise, but anyone from the city heard the rhythm, bounced to it, grooved to it, felt it in their bones. The city was electric with that beat, ready to explode from it at any moment. That charged the whole city, amped it up like crazy, and supercharged anyone who spent any time in the City of Brotherly Love.

I loved the rock, and Philly was just brimming with it. There were these two radio stations rivaling each other every step of the way, always trying to outdo the other. They set up these amazing concerts, where the best musicians in the world came into Philly and put on these amazing shows.

The Jams at JFK each went over 12 hours with bands like The Who, The Stones, Santana, and so many more. 110,000 people going crazy to incredible tunes. On the art museum steps would be shows like 3 Dog Knight, CSNY, and Aretha Franklin. And the Spectrum would have bands like Derek and the Dominos, Led Zeppelin, and Lynyrd Skynyrd. It was awesome!

The city created a type of passion that pervaded every person I knew and everything they did. The passion is contagious! It was all about heart; the city would embrace anyone who showed that heart, and would never forgive anyone who lacked it. From the lowliest janitor to the athletes that played for our teams and the musicians who graced our stages, a little bit of heart went a long way in Philly, and I was brought up valuing heart more than anything else.

Ever wonder why Rocky has always been considered Philly’s favorite son? It’s because of the heart he showed against such amazing odds. You don’t have to be the smartest or the best, in Philly, just the most passionate. In everything you do. And that’s what I aspire to as well. With my radio show, when I play guitar, in my work, in everything. I hope that passion is contagious; I hope you feel it too. The way I figure it, that’s the way it ought to be. Passion and heart, Philly style. Hope you like it.

Teaching Hatred – As Worlds Collide

2007-05-16T01:20:00.000-04:00

Al-Aqsa TV, out of Palestine, has decided to continue airing a cartoon featuring Farfur the Mouse, a Mickey look-alike. Farfur preaches hatred of the Jewish people, Israel, and the occupation of Palestine. The show has been condemned by Israel, of course, but also by the Palestinian government. But the producers of this show have not realized that they are dooming the children as much as they doom the two nations to a life of conflict.

In recovery, I am beginning to see the very real effects of resentments and hatred on an individual’s psyche. The type of resentments fostered by a program like Farfur are killers, breeding self-doubt, self-loathing, and a general lack of confidence in ones self-evaluation that most likely will plague these children throughout their lives. Once again, the innocent children of this ongoing war are the victims.

I have always focused on the impact on a child’s morals from early education in hatred. Time after time we’ve seen that kids who are taught hatred early in life have a looser grip on common morality, and are unable to distinguish absolute wrongs when it comes to the groups they hate. Whether hate groups in the South, the Nazis in Germany, or modern-day skinheads, extreme acts of violence have become more and more acceptable as hatred has been taught earlier in life.

I’m astounded by the number of people that I encounter daily who were raised on hatred. This has produced a generation of individuals who are at war with themselves; on one hand, they have been taught morality as the bible teaches it, including kindness towards your neighbor and mutual respect, on the other hand they have been trained to hate a class of people, to resent people just for being part of a specific group.

So often, it seems that these resentments are at the core of problems experienced by these people I encounter daily. Alcoholism and addiction are but the tip of the iceberg as these individuals fight with a spiritual malady that consistently pushes them suppress their feelings.

No question, it is not just people bred on hatred that feel these resentments, nor are these people the only alcoholics or addicts. But it’s not surprising that so many people who have been raised on hatred would wind up facing serious mental issues. Thus, one has to question the morality of teaching hatred to children, and ask whether the well-being of the children is being sacrificed for the teacher’s political agenda.

This is an extremely poignant question in the Middle East. Children in the region have already been robbed of a childhood by the danger they face daily. However, many indicants point to a better future on the horizon. Living in the region it was amazing how much optimism was felt by young children both on the Israeli or Palestinian side of the wall. And I feel this optimism is justified, as the two sides move ever closer to an agreement.

Even if common ground can be found, and the Palestinian people do gain a homeland, will the younger generation be able to enjoy this new life? Will they be able to build their own paradise in the desert, and live as neighbors with Israel and the other Middle Eastern countries, or will their lives be dictated by the consequences of having been taught hatred from such an early age?

It’s no surprise that not only the Israelis but the Palestinians are pushing for Farfel to be taken off the air. But many people obviously care more about propagating and winning a conflict with Israel than with securing a better future for the Palestinian people. Tonight, I’ll be saying a prayer for the children of this conflict, the innocent victims, pawns in a conflict they hardly understand. May they hear a message of peace in days to come.

Great Herod! Israel Past and Present Collide

2007-05-09T00:13:00.000-04:00

So many times I have been asked what made living in Israel so special? The first thing that comes to mind is the very tangible connection between ancient history and modern day Israel.

Today, Professor Ehud Netzer, an archeologist from Hebrew University and an expert on King Herod, discovered the tomb of King Herod. Herod ruled Judea for the Roman Empire from 37 BCE, was credited with expanding the second Temple, as well as building Masada and Caesarea. He ruled for approximately 40 years, and as King of the Jews was labeled Herod the Great.

The tomb is about 15 miles South of Jerusalem, making one of the richest archeological areas in the world even richer. In Jerusalem and the surrounding region, the Torah (Old Testament), New Testament, and Koran, even history itself comes to life on a regular basis. There is a tangible connection between the life we have created today and the roots we cling to so dearly.

Everywhere you look history unfolds. Many of the streets in the Old City of Jerusalem have streets underneath them which are 3000 – 4000 years old. The Temple Mount houses first and second Temples, the Dome of the Rock and Al-Aqsa Mosque, and the Church of the Nativity. In fact, any buildings which aren’t a few thousand years old are simply considered new in Jerusalem.

And history becomes even more vivid outside of the commercialized areas. In Tzora, you can see the caves with the Israelites hid from the Philistines until David came down and slew Goliath. In Beit Shean you can see where Jonathan and his brothers were nailed to the wall by the Byzantine Empire after fighting on Mount Gilboa. And hundreds of other sites exist directly cited in the holy texts.

There is a feeling in Israel which I, and many others, call the power of God, and while I have no proof of it, I believe it exists. But it’s hard to put that feeling into words. But the connection between ancient times and today is real, it’s tangible, and it forces even the most skeptical to see the reality of some of the stories we’ve come to see as folklore.

And when that which we have thought of as fiction can be seen, up close and before our eyes, to be real, that is very magical indeed. It’s one of the main reasons I find Israel such an amazingly special place.

Acceptance and Wanting To Feel Appreciated

2007-05-06T00:55:00.000-04:00

Have you ever just wanted to feel appreciated? To feel like someone notices that you are there for them, and doesn’t take you for granted? Today has been one of those days. I’m not sure the person in question really takes me for granted, but just to be shown that I’m cared for, to be shown that the person cares for how I feel and for my wants, which would be such a blessing.

Here’s the problem, though: I can’t care about that. I have to learn how to not care about other people, and to recognize that I can’t control other people. I have to let go of the things that are out of my control, like other people’s opinions about me. And so while a part of me is just really hoping that I will be noticed for being a kind and caring person, I need to let it go, and accept whatever is meant to happen.

I don’t know how some people do it, and wish I understood better the route towards acceptance. If there were a potion that could immediately make me accept, I would take it in an instant. But instead, I’ll just have to work through it, and try my best to learn how to accept things as they are. And maybe one day things will go my way, and I won’t have to accept that things aren’t going the way I wish they would.

Exploiting Altruism – AA Name Defiled

2007-05-04T00:09:00.000-04:00

Is there anything more despicable than taking a name that has earned a reputation for goodness and virtue and using it for selfish purposes? That is the question that members of the Washington DC Alcoholics Anonymous community are asking themselves, after one AA group has been revealed as a cult.

Alcoholics Anonymous is designed to help people suffering from a terrible disease. The group is not designed to benefit from its membership, either monetarily or otherwise, and its primary purpose is to help people who are suffering the disease. AA tries to avoid the power struggles that accompany leadership, and allows individuals to find the path most comfortable for themselves.

That is the key to AA’s success. The people who come into the program are often at their most vulnerable, and it’s the safe environment and flexibility of the program that allows individuals, like myself, to open up and help deal with the spiritual malady that is at the root of the alcoholism. The program focuses on people working together as equals with a similar affliction that they are trying to defeat.

But now one group is exploiting the good reputation of Alcoholics Anonymous. Newsweek exposed the Midtown AA Group in Washington DC, which appears to be designed as a cult. New members are urged to cut off ties with family and friends; members are pushed to avoid therapy and prescribed medications for things like depression; members of the group are even given paying jobs with other members of the group. The group becomes the center of the recovering alcoholic’s life.

All of the behavior I described above is against the tenets of AA, but the group has gone even further, by pushing new members to date members who have been in the group longer, and even to have sex with them. While different members of AA have different opinions on severing ties with old friends and taking prescription drugs, there is no question that the program is dead set against intimate relationships in early sobriety.

Members of the group point to their high success rate, and I’m not surprised so many people can stay sober in the group; the more support that is given to a member of AA, the easier it is to stay sober. Members of AA who have tight-knit circles of friends in the program tend to stay sober together, relying on each other in difficult situations. This would most certainly be true for members of the Midtown Group.

But AA is not only about staying sober, it’s about living a sober life. This group is pulling people out of life, preventing them from existing in society by providing for their every want and need in the group. They have created their own society which is probably successful in staying sober. The drawback is that each member has lost most positive aspects of their lives. The individual has been sacrificed for the common good of the group.

As a newcomer to AA, desperate to be relieved of the affliction of alcoholism, despairing at the multiple unsuccessful attempts to stay sober, immersing oneself in a group like this may seem like an attractive alternative. But the real benefits of AA, that allow members who work the 12 step program to live and experience life in a sober fashion, are lost. As such, I hope that this group gets revealed for what it is, a cult, before it hurts too many newcomers to the AA program.

Perfectionism v Powerlessness

2007-05-02T21:53:00.000-04:00

As many people know, I am focusing most of my time on self improvement, which includes a daily stream of meetings. Well, at a meeting today we focused on the topic of perfectionism, and the potential downfalls of being a perfectionist. I’ve always been a perfectionist, it was always my way of seeking acceptance and approval; who would have thought that improving myself would require admitting powerlessness?

Perfection is nothing but an illusion, and in chasing it I was continuously chasing a dream that could never be realized. What’s more, the more I would try to control a situation to bring about the perfection I sought, the farther I was from achieving any level of excellence. Sure, I could appear to do excellent at any given goal on any given day, but in the end I was really moving farther and farther away from any true happiness.

In reality, I have been shocked to find that things get much better the less control I exert over them. When I let things happen as they are meant to happen, and accept the outcome as it is, I tend to be happier with the results then when I tried so hard to influence them. And what’s more, I’m far less stressed, get much less upset over the little things in life. Definitely, since relinquishing control over the events in my life, I’ve been a happier person.

Now it’s not to say that I don’t have to put in the work, and don’t have to put in the effort to push some things in the right direction. In actuality, I believe the goal needs to be some sort of balance between control and powerlessness, a point where I follow the serenity prayer, accepting the things I cannot change, and having the strength to change the things I can. But hardest is the wisdom to know the difference.

Before you go thinking that I understand all this, I’m no where close. In situations where I have the least control I am often most anxious to take control. I can see the futility in what I’m doing, and somehow am unable to do any differently. Go figure!

You know, it takes us full circle to where we started; perfection is just an illusion, and I can only strive for progress. I have a great deal still to learn, about myself, about how to make myself happy, about how to handle situations, about life. But I am working towards bettering myself and towards handling situations in a different way, and that is progress. For today, that’s good enough for me. Hopefully, it will be good enough again tomorrow.

BigDawgRadio – A Very Good Night

2007-05-01T00:24:00.000-04:00

Over the past 8 months, BigDawgRadio has been a project very close to my heart. In case you don’t know, BigDawgRadio is an internet radio station that I co-own with two other very cool people. The goal of the station is to provide listeners with a high degree of interactivity, including requests, dedications, and live DJs.

To date, we’ve been plagued by a number of technical issues, but today was a huge step forward. For the first time we were able to get all of our DJs in one room, to talk and discuss the issues, to assign tasks to the various players on the team, and to set a real time table for getting the tech side of the station up and running.

Seeing the team together, working towards a common goal and purpose for the first time, was a really wonderful experience. The team is made up of some amazing people, and I have really been blown away by the ideas they are providing. I can’t help but wonder if I am the weak link on this team, but at the least I have the ability to bring them together behind a common vision.

As of tonight, we have both a plan to address immediate technical issues and long-term technical plans. We have a firm schedule for our DJs that will provide greater coverage, especially during peak times, for the radio station. We have plans to update the website, including adding in a new artist of the month (Cole Blair), links to the chat rooms where people communicate with the DJs, and links to causes the site will support from here on.

In all, it was a very productive meeting, and for the first time in a long time I have a very optimistic view of the future of the radio station. And I’m excited that this station will be a real source of entertainment that can be the centerpiece of a growing online community. This was one of those special days that I’ll be grateful for a long time. If you feel so inclined, come join the fun.

Bible Studies Pay Off

2007-04-26T23:40:00.000-04:00

A very odd story is emerging out of Cincinatti today. Evidently, a man on trial for using a stolen credit card has been set free because he has a strong knowledge of the bible. Sound bizarre? It certainly does to me!

Eric Hine was arrested for using a stolen credit card at a drug store. His attorney requested his client be given a low bail because the client was a regular attendee at church.

Judge John Berlew decided to quiz Hine, asking him to recite the 23rd Psalm. After Hine was able to recite all six verses of the fairly famous psalm, the judge decided to one-up the lawyer: he released Hine on his own recognizance. He did issue a $10,000 appearance bond, indicating that Hine would have to pay $10,000 if he didn’t show up for court. Still, at present, Hine owes nothing to the court.

Now personally, I do not believe that knowledge of the Bible makes you any more honorable or trustworthy then a person who has minimal knowledge of the bible. But certainly, this seems an odd criterion for releasing a criminal. Either way, you have to figure that those Sunday school classes have really paid off for Eric Hine. So next time you think of ditching religious school, think again!

Nomad: The Path Begins

2007-04-25T23:22:00.000-04:00

They say the toughest part of writing a book is the first chapter. This chapter needs to capture the attention and imagination of the reader, and draw them into the book. I have been working on a book for many months now, but the first chapter has eluded me. Today, I found my introductory chapter.

Today, I plucked a story from the meat of my book, and worked it around to make it my opening chapter. I wound up changing the voice of the chapter, and much of the style, meaning that I will have to do a great deal of work on the chapters I’ve already written, but I like how it came out.

I’m now looking for your opinions. Would this chapter draw you in? Does it make you want to read more? I would be interested in any suggestions, opinions or thoughts you might have. So give it a read, and tell me what you think. I value your feedback.

Chapter 1: Defining the Nomad

My name is Scott, and I’m an alcoholic and an addict. No, I’m not your stereotypical trench coat wearing, wine breathed, living under a bridge alcoholic. And I’m not a living in an alley, needle sticking out of my arm, haven’t showered in a week addict. While I’m in recovery, and have been sober quite a while, I was never those people, I never fit the mold.

The truth is, I’m a lot like you, at least by appearances. I’m a business man, and actually I’m pretty good in the business arena. I’ve had good years and bad years, successes and failures, and always gotten by, just like you. If we met at a business meeting or dinner party, we would probably get along pretty well. You might invite me for dinner with you the next week, but you would be selling yourself short; I’m an excellent cook, so leave the dinner prep to me.

No question about it, I seem like your average, ordinary guy. Average height, a bit overweight but fairly athletic, brown hair, eyes, and beard, Jewish but not obviously so. I look pretty ordinary. I look natural in a suit and tie, but I’m most comfortable in slacks and a button down shirt. Pretty ordinary there. Add in a thoroughly boring name like John Smith, and I’m as ordinary as they come.

Of course, the truth is that I’m anything but ordinary; I only rarely let anyone into my, life enough to see how special I am. It’s not about the drugs or the alcohol, though they contribute to this second, hidden life. It’s actually that, from a very early age, I have been either blessed or cursed, depending on how you look at it. That has made my life very interesting indeed.

Not sure what I mean? No problem, I’ll give you an example; I have lots of examples! Try this one on for size:

I’m 12 years old at this point, which is early 1980. After a nearly fatal car accident, which I’ll tell you all about later, I push up my Bar Mitzvah by three months and try to pack a lifetime of experiences into one year, so that a year later I can have surgery which may leave me unable to walk. As part of that year, I scheduled my first trip to war-torn Israel.

As a 12 year old boy, I was fairly uninterested in the history unfolding before my eyes. On the other hand, I was very interested in the opposite sex, and particularly in these two similarly aged girls that were on the same tour as we were. I don’t have a clue what their names were, but I can tell you that we played bloody knuckles (a card game) all throughout the tour, and I played doctor with one girl in a Jerusalem hotel.

In Northern Israel, we visited the Good Fence, which divides Lebanon and Israel. The conflict between the two countries was very active at the time, and we were escorted by soldiers for our own safety. I decided it would be very impressive to pop up on the other side of the fence, and hatched a plan to impress the girls.

I told one of the soldiers that I needed a men’s room, and we walked with me to some port-o-potties further up along the fence. I got in line, and the soldier began speaking with two female soldiers stationed there. Soon I was a mere afterthought to the soldiers; so far everything was going according to plan.

Next, I went into the bathroom. When I exited, I walked away from the soldiers along the fence line, until I found a small gap underneath it. This was my opportunity! I looked around and found the coast was clear. One more look, and I dove under the fence in search of admiration from the two girls.

I was halfway through the fence when the first shot rang out, startling me. I can remember the sudden realization that this might be more serious that just a quick prank. I started to crawl backwards, but my shirt caught on one of the chain links of the fence. Then I heard the second shot, felt the rush of the bullet whizzing past my ear, and then heard the bullet hit the fence just above me.

Next I heard the sounds of automatic weapons firing back at the Lebanese side, and two soldiers pulling me back ot the Israeli side of the fence. One was the soldier who had escorted me to the bathroom, and be brought me back to my group, lecturing me all the way. It made no difference; I was too scared to hear any of the admonishments in the thick Israeli accent pointed in my direction. I was more than happy to rejoin the group, and never shared the story of my shame at the fence with my family.

The weird thing is that this was only one of many similar events in my life. I’ve nearly died 16 times to date in one tragic way or another, and scores of other “unusual” events have occurred in my life that simply doesn’t rise to this level. The incident at the Good Fence was neither the most nor the least dangerous. Rather it was just one in a string of events that came to be normal in my life. And it’s what has come to seem normal that has made me such an unusual person.

This book is a journey for me, a journey through the past to examine how this nomad came to be. It looks at my public face and private face equally, and breaks dow the stereotypes, both positive and negative, that define the public nomad. Meanwhile, the private nomad moves through adventures that would seem fictional if I hadn’t lived them myself.

The story takes me through five continents and 15 countries. It will also move through many of my own philosophies and perspectives on the ever-changing world around me. And it leads me on a path of discover and self-improvement that is sure to transform me, and may transform you a bit as well. It will certainly never be boring. So strap yourself in and get ready for a bumpy ride, as we begin to explore the life and times of this nomad.

Moving On: Israel Teaches the World a Lesson

2007-04-23T15:34:00.000-04:00

Don’t get me wrong, I am as shocked and mortified by the tragedy at Virginia Tech as the next guy. But a week later, and our headlines are still all about Seung-Hui Cho and his murderous rampage on the VT campus. If it’s one thing I was taught by living in Israel, it’s that life goes on, and truly honoring a victim of tragedy is accomplished by going on with your life, and living it to the fullest.

In Israel, every person has been touched by tragedy, every person has lived through the loss of a loved one. It would be all too easy for people to wallow in their misery, to spend their time mourning the dead and not move forward with their lives. But if Israelis did that, there would be no state of Israel today. Israel can’t afford for its people to be mired in self pity. Perhaps, no one can afford this luxury in today’s world.

Israel assures that people move on with their lives in a timely fashion. One of the ways they accomplish this is symbolized in the two largest national holidays: Memorial Day and Independence Day. In Israel, these days are back to back, with only 60 seconds, a siren, and the lighting of a candle standing between the two days. And the holidays are a clear sign to all Israelis to mourn their fallen victims and then move forward with life.

Memorial Day is completely somber in Israel. Music is forbidden. The television stations show a scrolling list of all the people who have fallen in Israel, that begins at sunset at the beginning of Memorial Day and doesn’t end until sunset the next day. During the holiday, sirens go off simultaneously throughout the country 3 times, and everyone stops what they are doing at that moment to remember the fallen heroes.

The remarkable moment is the transition between Memorial Day and Independence Day. At sunset, the third siren sounds, and Memorial Day is finished by the lighting of a candle. Immediately after, fireworks go off, and the somber mood instantaneously changes to one of jubilation.

Independence Day is a celebration. The evening is often marked by live music and dancing. The next day features rides for the children and an air show where the Israeli air force sends their best fighters up and down the Mediterranean coast to perform for the Israeli people. No one works on Independence Day, and the people get together to celebrate the beautiful country they have worked together to build.

Perhaps one of my most memorable incidents in Israel was watching a professional singer who had lost her son in a terrorist attack that year. She was openly weeping during Memorial Day, mourning the loss of her one and only child. But then, when Independence Day began, it was her responsibility to sing for the kibbutz, and she rose to the occasion, singing with a joy and exuberance that infected everyone around her.

Basically, Israel has made a clear statement that there must be a limit on the mourning, that the time comes when you must continue living your life. This is a lesson that the rest of the world needs to learn. Because the best way to honor victims of tragedies such as those at Virginia Tech is to go on living your life, and to do something significant with it, in the wake of these incidents.

Honesty and the Moral Inventory

2007-04-20T01:19:00.000-04:00

As I’ve mentioned in past posts, I have been on a quest to improve myself, to fix some of the character flaws that have plagued me for years. It only makes sense that such an endeavor begins with identifying my flaws, determining what has held me back and where I need work.

That’s not as easy as it sounds. The process begins with a thorough moral inventory, where I can identify some of these flaws. Unfortunately, over the years, I’ve become very good at hiding these flaws from myself, so identifying them is not so easy. I must get honest with myself, and face aspects of my life more comfortably hidden.

When I began this process, I was told that many of these defects were actually useful tools when I employed them, enabling me to survive until this point. Even so, I retain a fair amount of shame and embarrassment over these defects of character, so facing them is a tough task.

But now, survival, and thrival, depends upon identifying these defects of character. The process can be painful. I am examining moments from my past which I prefer to ignore, times that I mercifully avoided for years. Some of these events were not my fault where others were; sometimes I played a huge role in my own misery, and sometimes situations were completely beyond my control; but all these events made me who I am today.

Improving myself requires working through the feelings associated with these events. And any real improvement depends upon rigorous honesty, upon looking myself in the mirror (which is not so easy to begin with) and seeing who I really am, what I really believe, and what I am responsible for. Anything less than rigorous honesty and I’m doing myself a huge disservice, as I’ll never get better.

The question is, how do you find the truth when you’ve lied to yourself for so long?

The answer is far more astonishing: the truth just feels right. When I find the truth, there is a certain sense of relief at finding it. Yes, there is a great deal of pain associated with the truth, but there is also the definite feeling of unburdening a great load carried for a great deal of time.

Oddly enough, slowly but surely I’m seeing some of my greatest defects slip away. My anger is subsiding, and I feel myself becoming a better friend to those around me and to myself. Plus, it’s only the beginning; I can only imagine that working to resolve these issues will continue to make me a better person.

It all starts with honest. Being honest with myself is paramount. As I grow more honest with myself, I grow more honest with the people around me. I am only at the beginning of this path, but I’m excited by where it will lead me. And to walk this path, all I need is the courage to face myself, and the honesty to see it clearly. I chose the path; I chose honesty.

Will the Real Basher al-Assad, Please Stand Up

2007-04-17T01:33:00.000-04:00

Over the past 24 hours, the US has issued goals as prerequisites for upcoming peace negotiations. These “benchmarks” are actually obtainable; Palestine has been asked to step up security against terror, and Israel has been asked to ease travel restrictions. Condoleezza Rice will visit the region in May to reinforce these goals.

At the same time, Syria has put in their two cents worth, indicating their commitment to returning the Golan Heights to Syrian hands. Syrian Information Minister Mohsen Bilal has gone so far as to threaten conventional warfare or even a terror campaign in order to regain the scenic and extremely strategic ex-Syrian territory.

Many have told me I’m an optimist or more, but I believe that peace is possible between Palestine and Israel today. Some of the biggest barriers to peace come down recently; the Palestinians and Israelis have distinct, autonomous economies, Hamas’ inability to provide a better life for the Palestinian people has reinforced the idea that the proper course lies in negotiation, and Israel’s failure in South Lebanon has the same result.

As such, I’m hopeful that the most recent peace negotiations will prove fruitful. However, for that to occur, both parties will have to think out of the box, and analyze what they really want and need from each other. Only by exploring new ideas and finding a very delicate balance between both sides, will both sides come to an agreement that can satisfy both the Israelis and the Palestinians. But what room does that leave for Syria?

The Golan Heights provide a natural level of security from Israel’s neighbors to the north. Holding the Heights allows Israel to monitor the actions of Syria, Iran and Iraq, and to protect itself without allocating as many troops to the region. Without the Heights, Israel’s northern border is exposed to the largest threats in the region, and a massive troop deployment in the north becomes necessary.

For this reason, Syria’s participation in the peace negotiations, and their insistence on the return of the Golan Heights, will play a crucial role in the success of any new peace initiatives.

Which leads us to a question that I’ve asked before, in recent and much earlier posts: who is the real Basher al-Assad? Is he the Western-educated pragmatic leader looking for reforms for Syria and restoration to its role as a trading hub for the region, or is he a brutal dictator like his father, willing to sacrifice the lives of his citizens for his own glory?

Al-Assad’s recent negotiations with Nancy Pelosi and his role in the return of the British sailors supports the first assertion. His supposed role in the assassination of Lebanese Prime Minister Rafik Hariri and his alliance with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad paint a different picture.

Will the real Basher al-Assad please stand up? The true nature of Basher al-Assad will have a great deal of influence on the success or failure of this latest round of peace negotiations.

The Battle Over Stem Cell Research Rages

2007-04-12T00:03:00.000-04:00

The Senate approved a bill today to increase funding available for stem cell research. A similar bill has already been vetoed by President Bush, citing the moral implications of destroying embryos for research. Early indications are that Bush will also veto this bill, despite the research community’s contention that expanded research on embryonic stem cells could provide cures for Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s, and juvenile diabetes.

As Congress prepares to vote on this bill, most probably sending it to the White House for the president’s consideration, one has to question the various roles associated with this bill.

I am a huge believer in the role of medical researchers in the progress of our quality of life. Not only do people have longer life expectancies, but people live with less pain and suffering. Physical ailments which used to be permanently debilitating are no temporary inconveniences. Diseases that could be fatal or crippling are now treatable or even curable.

Some would say that these researchers are playing God, that they are determining life and death without considering the moral implications. But to me, it seems that these people are heroes, finding ways against the odds to save people from suffering, and extend the lives of so many people. To me, the accomplishments of these researchers mark the progress of our society.

Is an elected official a better judge of how researchers should conduct their research? Are they better able to determine what research is morally just and what is not? What’s more, if we determine that elected officials should judge the morality of this research, is it right for one elected official to override the views of many elected officials on issues of morality?

If embryonic stem cell research can be such a powerful tool in fighting diseases, I firmly believe the method should be funded by the state. But while my opinion means little, certainly the views of so many elected officials should mean something. How can Bush ignore these views, promoting his own moral code over the views of so many others, including the sick and needy?

It’s hard to determine how quickly this bill will pass through Congress, and thus when it will land on Bush’s desk. But let’s hope that, when that time comes, he can reconsider his objections, and allow the researchers to do their job, to help the people who need help by finding cures to what ails them.

Friendships Gone By: Regrets or the Chance to Rekindle Them

2007-04-11T01:51:00.000-04:00

One of the great benefits of being a nomad is the number of truly amazing people you meet along the way. I’ve lived in 26 cities since graduating college, and each city has been marked not so much by the geography but by the inhabitants, the distinct cultures, and the remarkable personalities I came to know.

On the other hand, moving around as much as I have has prevented me from making the lasting, long-term friendships with these people that I would have hoped for. What’s more, my own personality flaws prevented me from opening up and embracing some of these remarkable people, even when I wanted to. As I moved from place to place, these people drifted in and out of my life, seemingly never to be seen again.

Suddenly, this is beginning to change. With my new MySpace profile, I’ve started to reconnect with some of these people from my past. It’s a slow process but a great process, as each new person’s profile I see connects me with another name and face from my past. It’s an amazing trip down memory lane, as I rediscover some of the people who made me who I am today.

Further, as I work on myself, working hard to eliminate the issues that have plagued me all these years, I find myself more apt to become the type of person that could be a good friend, and really get to know these people. But has the opportunity passed me by? Could I ever truly reconnect with these people, and establish friendships with them?

In many cases, the challenge will be greater; somehow, these individuals will have to see past the version of me from days gone by, a person who was not always the nicest or kindest person, the person who took the easy way before taking the right way, and a person who has worshipped the almighty dollar above all else. To these people I will owe an amends for my past deeds, and the promise of living a better life from here out.

My priorities have changed, and today friendships are valued above all else. Getting to know the friends from my past would be a blessing beyond compare, and while it would be easier to leave the past behind me, the easier chance is rarely the most rewarding. I hope to be given the chance, and believe the endeavor to be worth the effort. And in the end, the reward just may be some truly special friendships.

What better reward could I ask for?

The Tipping Point in Iraq – Closer Than We Think?

2007-04-10T01:15:00.000-04:00

Imagine a scenario where, instead of seeing 50 Iraqis killed in bombings, along with 5 Americans caught in the crossfire, we were seeing 50 Americans killed in bombings with 5 Iraqis meeting accidental death. This is the danger of reaching the tipping point in the Iraqi conflict. If the US becomes the common enemy in Iraq, if we pass the proverbial tipping point, this scenario and worse could play out before our eyes.

Malcolm Gladwell wrote a book called The Tipping Point, which explains why change happens so quickly and unexpectedly. It talks about situations, normally conflicts, being in delicate balance until one final event pushes the entire nature of the conflict over the edge, altering the givens of the conflict and endangering the life of all participants.

Conflicts in the Middle East are extremely susceptible to tipping points. This is because Middle Eastern powers have different rules of alliance; most believe that the enemy of their enemy is their friend, at least on a temporary basis. Thus, as a power’s chief threat changes, mortal enemies can become temporary allies. And former allies, now enemies, can quickly get caught in the crossfire.

A perfect example is the 1983 bombing of the US marine barracks in Lebanon. Until this time, the US had been supporting the President Amin Gemayal and the Christian Lebanese government. But when the US weighed in on the battle for Souk el-Gharb, they became a bigger threat then the Druse or Syrians. Only a month later, Gemayal was a party to the attack on the marine’s barracks in Beirut where 241 US servicemen died.

The primary lesson from the Lebanon attack is that siding with any power in the Middle East can be dangerous. As soon as you try to impose your will, you risk becoming the enemy, and facing a force much greater than the force you helped create and support. This is precisely the danger being faced by the American servicemen in Iraq today.

The present Iraqi regime has taken power solely because of US support. However, how long that support will last is in serious question. A shift in power in the US may bring about troop withdrawals from the region. Should the US withdraw from Iraq, the Iraqi government will be vulnerable as well. That is, unless they find a more stable ally.

Iran has been making overtures to the Iraqi government that they could provide support, perhaps even a military presence in Iraq, and once again long-time enemies could become short-term allies against a common foe. And with the recent rhetoric of Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr, calling for attacks against American forces instead of attacks against Iraqi troops, the tipping point may be nearing.

Today, hundreds of thousands of Muslims, predominantly Shiites but including some Sunnis as well, marched between the holy cities of Kufa and Najaf to protest American occupation of the country. They called for the police and army to join the struggle against the American military. There was practically no violence at the rally, as all hatred was pointed towards the Americans.

Have we reached the tipping point yet? Have the events of the past few days moved us closer to the point where the danger to American servicemen rises exponentially, as they have no allies and no safe haven? Only time will tell. Let’s hope that, when the tipping point arrives, we have protected ourselves enough to not suffer the level of casualties seen in Beirut.

The Faces of the Stranger

2007-04-06T01:11:00.000-04:00

Well we all have a face that we hide away forever,
And we take them out and show ourselves when everyone has gone.
Some are satin some are steel some are silk and some are leather,
They're the faces of the stranger but we love to try them on.

You may never understand how the stranger is inspired,
But he isn't always evil and he is not always wrong.
Though you drown in good intentions you will never quench the fire,
You'll give in to your desire when the stranger comes along.

Recently, I’ve been hearing a great deal about the masks that we all tend to wear. As a nomad, I have certainly been guilty of wearing masks over the years. With each new location I have lived in, I’ve had the opportunity to recreate myself, with the only condition being that I then needed to live up to the image I created for myself.

Like the song says, it isn’t always evil and it isn’t always wrong. The various masks I created allowed me to survive in a wide variety of challenging environments; I don’t think I could have made it to where I am today without these masks. But along the way, I’ve lost track of who I am.

Perhaps this is natural, to lose yourself in the masks you create for yourself. But as I have wandered along a path of self discovery recently, it has made it really tough to distinguish between my views and morals and what I’ve picked up along the way.
I try my hardest to be an honest man, 100% of the time. But am I truly honest with myself, when the true me is hidden beneath the person I had to become along the way?

As I find out more about myself, I move closer to being the happy, healthy person I’ve always dreamed of being. But as I peel the onion to discover the various layers that I am, I have been struck with the pain associated with each memory of my pas. The more masks I’ve put between the true me and today’s version, the harder the path has been.

I have no idea what tomorrow may bring, but I figure tomorrow has got to be better than today if I’m happier with who I am. So I’ll keep on my journey of self discovery, and hopefully one day I can live life without the masks, being truly honest with myself in every way possible.

Release of British Sailors with an Eye to the Future

2007-04-05T00:17:00.000-04:00

I certainly was surprised to see Iran releasing 15 sailors held hostage Wednesday. In reality, the move raises more questions than answers, and these questions may have a huge impact on the future of international relations over the next many years.

The capturing of the British sailors certainly raised Iran’s prestige in the eyes of other Middle Eastern countries. It showed once again that Iran is not afraid of the West, and that they consider themselves a military force to be reckoned with. Further, the method of their release does nothing to change that perception, maintaining the powerful image of Iran while giving the country an air of benevolence.

Admittedly, I don’t buy it. I don’t believe for one second that Iran released the British sailors out of the kindness of their hearts, and I don’t think President Ahmadinejad’s resolve wavered one bit. Further, I don’t think he feared American or British retribution. So why were the sailors released when they were, and in the manner they were released? We may never know the answers, but some clues do exist.

There’s been a great deal of discussion about Syria’s role in the release of the sailors, as well as Nancy Pelosi’s role in the diplomatic relations. For years, I have indicated that Bashar al-Assad of Syria is not the evil dictator that many believe him to be, and this may be the first sign of his true nature. Al-Assad saw first hand that ruthlessness and fear bolster your image in the Middle East, but his education and speeches paint a picture of a moderate with a real desire to reform Syria.

Bashar alAssad quickly recognized the ascension of President Ahmadinejad in Iran, and fixed his wagon to the ultra-religious president. But has al-Assad’s actions been that of a tyrant, or has his actions in Syria and Lebanon been merely a way for him to attach himself to Ahmadinejad? Only time will tell, but al-Assad’s role in the release of the British sailors certainly may be cause for optimism.

However, I doubt highly that al-Assad could have completely convinced Ahmadinejad to release the prisoners. My tendency is to believe that there must have been a benefit for Iran in the release. My first thought is a back-channel deal to arrange the release of the Iranian soldiers being held by the US. Another thought is negotiations with Iraq to allow Iranian soldiers to take a more active role in Iraq.

But I can’t help but suspect that for Iran to release the prisoners, they somehow need to believe that their own image in the Middle East will be bolstered by the move. Iran was unable to gain the support of the majority of the Middle Eastern countries in the South Lebanon conflict, primarily because most countries saw Iran as the instigator. On the other hand, Muslims throughout the world protested the Mohamed cartoons because they felt the cause was righteous.

As proof mounted that the sailors were not in Iraqi waters, the justification of their capture eroded. Perhaps Iran believes that by foregoing this cause, which is not justified, they’ll gain support on the next issue. Or perhaps Ahmadinejad believes that being seen as merciful will help other Middle Eastern countries to see them the same way in the future.

Either way, I believe the real motivation for releasing the soldiers has everything to do with future conflicts between Iran and the West. Let’s hope the true motivation behind Iran’s actions come out before they can take advantage of this latest ploy.

The Rat Trap

2007-04-04T01:16:00.000-04:00

It’s the endless loop in your head, where one thought keeps spinning around and around. A million times I try to push that thought out of my head, but it doesn’t work. The thought is stuck in the rat trap, haunting me, keeping me up at night and providing an endless fountain of sorrow in my waking moments.

My belief is that everyone experiences the rat trap. Do you? Are you plagued by thoughts which simply can’t be pushed out of your consciousness? I bet you do. I bet the rat trap exists in your head, just waiting for the thought that can’t be evicted.

The thought is invariably something which I have difficulty accepting. I strive for acceptance, for the ability to let go of a situation which I have no control over, but acceptance does not come. Instead, I think of every thing I can do to change circumstances, and the result of my action, and my reaction to the result of my initial reaction. This is truly the rat trap in motion.

A million permutations, a million consequences; the rat trap whizzes around at amazing speed, providing me with all the possibilities until I can fixate on one that pleases me, one result that works for me. I am the director, and if everyone follows my direction, I will have a result that I can live with, that pleases me. My will can be accomplished.

Then, something happens. Normally, it’s something I never anticipated, something I never would have guessed in a million years. Perhaps I needed a million and one permutations. But this keeps the rat trap in motion, spinning around, examining a million new consequences of a million actions I can take.

I strive for acceptance of the many things which I can’t control, but today I don’t know how to achieve it. It doesn’t matter what thought sticks in the rat trap, its existence is the real enemy. But maybe, by working on my understanding of myself, I can dismantle the rat trap, and learn acceptance of the situations I can’t control.

Back to Blogging

2007-04-02T23:02:00.000-04:00

Welcome to the faithful viewers of Perspectives of a Nomad. As many of you have noticed, I have not been posting for quite a few months. Well, that trend is about to change.

The fact is that many times over the past few months I’ve written part of a post. However, there has always been an aspect missing: some sort of an explanation for my absence. So I decided that my first post back should address this very issue, paving the way for me to resume posting.

Basically, my absence has primarily been a result of momentum; having stopped blogging for a length of time, it became harder and harder to make that next post. I wanted the post to be something special, something monumental. But really, I think there’s much more value in consistent posting than in that one great post. Consistent posting must be my goal.

Certainly, there is plenty to post about, and I am not short of opinions. Whether discussing the war in Iraq or the potential for war in Iran, recent conflicts and the potential for negotiations between Israel and Palestine, the ascension of China on the world scene or efforts by Russia to reclaim its position in the world order, there is a tremendous amount to write about today.

I’m also going to dedicate some of my blogging to recounting my past journeys, and the insights I gained from these journeys. What’s more, I’m going to talk about my current journeys, which are more a journey of a spiritual journey and a journey of the mind, as I learn about myself and grow every day. This work is perhaps the most exciting work to me, as it will help in my development.

In general, I am going to let my blog flow, writing about whatever topic comes to mind, and see where the writing takes me. And perhaps, somewhere along the way, I’ll learn something about myself. So feel free to come along for the ride, and maybe we can learn something together.

My Type of Cleaners

2006-11-17T00:43:00.000-05:00

I bet they do mad business!

Ding Dong The Rumsfeld’s Dead; What Now?

2006-11-09T15:21:00.000-05:00

And thus ends the era of Donald Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld seemed to be consistently out of touch with the true state of affairs in the countries he attacked, putting national interests and the safety of young men and women at risk on a day to day basis. I must say, no tears are being shed in this corner at his demise. But have we really made any improvements with former CIA Director Gates?

Hold on to your socks, folks, because I am going to answer with a resounding “yes”.

Perhaps our largest problem in Iraq has been the belief that we can win this war on sheer brute strength. In reality, as the war has shifted from targeting the Iraqi population to targeting terrorist activity, the United States has been in need of a shift in strategy as well, moving from brute strength to a more intelligent war, based on information and thoughtful, targeted attacks.

Perhaps the perfect example of how to face off against terrorism can be found in Israel’s daily struggle against Hamas. While there are many civilian casualties, Israel does not target civilians but rather targets Hamas leaders, the brains behind the attacks which plague the embattled country. Israel considers civilian casualties a necessary evil, a philosophy which must be adopted when fighting a grout that shares the philosophy.

Gates understands the power of intelligence, and knows that it can be used to radically change the direction a war is taking. He showed his prowess in collecting military intelligence during the Cold War, and even showed his ability to do what’s necessary to win a war during the Afghanistan conflict with the Soviet Union.

But perhaps the greatest hope attached to Gates’ appointment lies in his philosophy that it is a spy’s patriotic duty to tell the truth, even when the truth is in direct conflict with the will of the leaders who are requesting information. This is a direct indication that, despite close ties to James Baker and the senior Bush, Gates will be anything but a yes-man to Dubya, and will provide a true picture of our greatest conflict today.

In all, I’m encouraged by the appointment of Robert Gates to the position of Defense Secretary, and hope that it is the first step towards so real improvements in the way this country is governed now that the Bush administration is held accountable by a Democratic House and Senate.

Getting Away, Vermont Style

2006-11-05T23:49:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, a person just has to get away. There has been a great deal going on here recently, lots of stress, and lots of little things to drive me crazy. And suddenly, a hole emerged, a rift in both my schedule and Denelle’s schedule, 3 days (maybe 2.5 days) with no real obligations. And we jumped on the opportunity.

As suddenly as we realized that the opportunity existed, we were hoping in the car, heading to Burlington, Vermont. I hadn’t been to Vermont since I was a kid, and Denelle had never been there. But there was no real reason to head to the city, just a rumor of beautiful scenery and a laidback city that was not to be missed.

I have to say, Vermont did not disappoint. It’s a beautiful state, with a tremendous balance of mountains and lakes that is a treat for the eyes. Whereas Rochester has already become grey and cold, Vermont was bright and crisp, with a natural beauty carefully preserved by a conscientious state population.

And the attitude Burlington was great as well. I’m not sure I have the words to describe it, but Burlington was warm, welcoming, and friendly. The pace of life was completely different in Burlington, whether driving around the farms, taking the tour at the Ben & Jerry's plant, or walking on the pedestrian-only shopping street.

But the real treat was spending the time with Denelle. I have no idea where our relationship is heading, whether towards a great friendship or a lifelong love, but I do know that time I’m about as happy as I can be when I’m spending time with her. And it doesn’t get any better than that.

Yeah, we rushed around a ton, spending half of our very short vacation driving. But I must admit I feel a million times better having taken the vacation, and wouldn’t trade it for the world. Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Another Halloween Pic & Show Rescheduling

2006-10-31T11:17:00.000-05:00

I wanted to leave a quick note that this Friday, November 3rd, the Nomad show on BigDawgRadio will be delayed a couple hours, as your friendly neighborhood Nomad and lovely co-host DJ Denelle C will be hitting the Black Crowes concert at the Armory in Rochester, NY.

So that's the bad news. The good news is that we hope to come back with a couple of tasty tracks to put on the air, so that you can check out how the Crowes sound in concert. I went to one of their concerts last year, and they were awesome, so providing some live Crowes should be a real treat.

Also, as compensation, I decided to add another two pictures from Halloween, these including Denelle C. This will be most people's first glimpse, so enjoy! And I'll be on the air in between now and Friday, was well as later Friday evening. I hope everyone is having a great week.

And in the immortal words of the Big Dawg, AWOOOOOOOOF!

Whitney Houston Provides Hope to the Hopeless

2006-10-30T10:13:00.000-05:00

OK, I admit it: when it comes to drugs and alcohol, I often focus on the negatives, the wreckage of the lives that results from lots of time spent on booze and narcotics. Don’t believe me? Check out the story below, where Mel Gibson, who I consider a great actor, has overshadowed all his work with his recent alcohol arrest.

Well, a recent story on Whitney Houston gave me a fresh perspective, one of hope. For years, Whitney has been immersed in a co-dependant and often abusive relationship with Bobby Brown for the past 13 years, and as a result had seen her physical, mental and spiritual beauty wither away. The picture below is from a March arrest, where she was busted for drug paraphernalia.

Since then, Whitney has been working on herself, leaving Bobby Brown and entering a drug rehab. And the effects are obvious. The top picture was taken on Saturday at the Carousel of Hope Ball, and she has added a bit of much-needed weight and looks both human and beautiful again.

Yes, I’m sure that there have been many difficult days and nights since March. What’s more, there are many difficult times to come. But to me, it appears that Whitney’s true beauty, both internal and external, seem to have returned, and should remain if she can avoid the chaos of her past. How many millions of people can share her hope?

Great Mel Gibson Site

2006-10-30T01:38:00.000-05:00

OK, I love it. I found this site where you can basically dress up Mel Gibson in a wide variety of outfits. I liked this drunk outfit, though the leather goth wear fit him as well. Check it out, and let me know what outfit you think is most appropriate for Mad Mel!

Special thanks to Intri for helping me get the picture right. Enjoy the site!

Halloween in Rochester

2006-10-29T00:48:00.000-04:00

It's Halloween in Rochester, and I just got back from a great couple of parties, where not only did I get the chance to make a fool of myself by dressing up as a hippy, as shown above, but I also got a chance to play guitar out, one of my first few chances in Rochester.

It was a great evening, I hung out with DJ Denelle C and really had a ball. I also took a ton of pictures of other cool people at the parties, and if they would like me to email them the pictures, just drop me a line. Otherwise, hope you like the pics of me, and maybe we can enjoy the holiday together next year!

Carnival of the Liberals #24, For Your Viewing Pleasure

2006-10-25T13:59:00.000-04:00

Finally, my turn has come to publish the Carnival of the Liberals! It has been a long-awaited treated, and the experience has completely lived up to its reputation.

In preparation for the carnival, I was fortunate enough to read some superb writing from around the blogosphere, and to be enriched on some liberal perspectives to be used in the countless debates I have daily with my more than conservative friends.

Many writers I added to my blogroll and will read regularly, such as Westminster Wisdom, The Skwib, Philosophy, et cetera and Atheist Ethicist. Plus, I was turned on to new issues, as I learned about The Ribble, The Northern Marianas Islands, and even found a limerick on the trade deficit. Truly, writing CotL was educational and fun!

But in the end of the day, I had to make the tough decision, and narrow my post to focusing on 10 articles. 10 articles? With all this great writing, how to make the decision, who makes the cut? Well, sometimes we must do what must be done, and thus I set about finding 10 articles that really peaked my interest.

I figured, what better place to start than with religion, since so much of the liberal perspective centers around religious freedom and the right to our own beliefs. Here, Daylight Atheism really blew my hair back with his post, The Atheist Crew, analyzing the negative stigma attached to atheism, and how to contest these negative portrayals.

If The Atheist Crew spoke of intolerance of a lack of religion, it could only be complemented by posts on intolerance of the practicing of religion. Barry of Staring at Empty Pages wrote a piece that really struck home called Veiled Intolerance, which is about the growing persecution of individuals for wearing religious regalia. It’s an awesome post, check it out.

Millard Fillmore’s Bathtub included a post called Intelligent Design – A Pig That Doesn’t Fly. I must say that I didn’t agree with the majority of this post, but the post is extraordinarily well written, and had me thinking all day. I suspect that you, like, will wind up reading this one multiple times, and still questioning your own beliefs on the teaching of ID.

While on the topic of religion, The Largest Minority provided proof to one of my favorite arguments in a poignant post entitled Sunnis Establish an Islamic Republic Inside Iraq. This post address some of the issues from the Iraq war that we will have to deal with for perhaps the next 20 years, and is well written to boot. I could write a whole post on my thoughts on this one, but instead read it yourself and provide the TLM with your thoughts.

While covering Iraq, Salamander Candy wrote A Sorely Needed Map of Iraq as an Adaptive Landscape. Now this took me two or three tries to really grok, but once I got it, man, I got it. Mark provides topographical insights to the Iraq situation that definitely deserves attention and in coordination with the linked Shifting Balance Theory gave me a whole new way to look at our present efforts in the region.

And along these same lines, World Wide Webers broke down Rick Santorum’s “Flypaper Strategy” by comparing it to the suicide attack on Mordor at the end of the Lord of the Rings trilogy in Conservative Geeks Play Fantasy Games with Real Lives. Given the amount of time I’ve spent in war-bound regions, and my knowledge of practical war theories, I find this an excellent piece of work, and important for anyone who really wants to understand the folly of the Republican strategy in Iraq.

As an economist, I was pleased to find some excellent posts on the economy. For example, A Bomb A Nation wrote Flee Enterprise, a scything piece that will raise as many laughs as fists on the way Republicans treat the environment and economy today. And The Greenbelt is right on target as seeing US business interests stifling growth in the area of human rights in China in the post Wow…A Surprise, and Then – Not So Much.

Finally, what Carnival of the Liberals would be complete without a couple of attacks on the Bush administration (in the name of good taste, I deleted the expletives I started with). As you can expect, there were a ton of attack posts submitted, and hey, you can’t throw a stone these days without hitting a blog with a post attacking the Bush administration. But a couple of posts were exceptional!

For example, Divided We Stand United We Fall included the post Third In Line, depicting the exploits of Denny Hastert, and noting that he is infinitely more nefarious that even the nefarious Tammany Hall politicians of the early 1900s. And The Largest Minority (sorry to repeat an author, but two excellent posts) points the finger squarely at Bus for the provoking North Korea’s recent nuclear test, with Is Bush to Blame for North Korea’s Nuclear Test? The only question I have is which finger?

There you go, folks, 10 phenominal posts, each well worthy of a read (or two), and all excellent food for thought. It was my pleasure to read so many great posts, and to have the option to present them to you. The next issue, CotL #25, will be hosted by Philosophy, et cetera, which is a great read any time. And CotL is looking for a host for the November 22nd edition, as well as all posts after December 20th. Thanks for the honor of hosting Carnival of the Liberals, and enjoy reading these great posts!!!

technorati tags: Carnival of the Liberals, Liberal, Progressive, Blogosphere

Comic from EmpireWire.com

Manipulating the Elections

2006-10-23T01:06:00.000-04:00

We are nearly two weeks away from the midterm elections, and once again there are signs that the Bush administration is pushing to manipulate the American vote. While I am far from a conspiracy theorist, it leads to a simple question: is democracy served when the group in power uses its power to retain power?

Perhaps the biggest issue we’re seeing is the resurgence of the US economy. We’re hearing now that the deficit will be far lower than anticipated (only $423B), but Rob Portman, OMB director said that while economists try to make the most accurate forecasts possible, the forecasting model does underestimate tax revenue from time to time, ostensibly intentionally, according to US News and World Report.

The price of a barrel of oil has dropped significantly, and thus the price at the pump, as well as the price of heating fuel is dropping. This has occurred despite the fact that OPEC has made significant strides to lower production and increase the price of crude. Why the significant drop in price, then? Most point to the lower cost of refinement of crude oil. Given the Bush family’s significant interests in the oil refinement industry, it begs the question of whether lower refinement costs are linked to the upcoming elections.

Furthermore, there has been recent infighting in the Republican Party, and many Republicans have feared that this would lead to low Republican turnout for the November 7th elections, as people refuse to back Republican candidates and the general sense shows the Democrats already taking back the Congress. Then, Barron’s features a cover story today, indicating the Republicans may yet retain Congress and the House, once again pushing voters to the booths. Many say the article is little more than a paid advertisement.

Plus, we’ve seen recent articles about growing terrorist threats, very much a reality of life today but certainly nothing new to us. While the best military minds in the country indicate that we need to find a new strategy in Iraq, the Bush administration spouts the success of our campaign there and our progress in working towards our goals in the region. And events like nuclear testing by North Korea are downplayed as the administration talks of better unity with China in facing the issue.

Are all of these coincidences, or are they timed perfectly to give the Republicans a fighting chance on November 7th? Are they tactics which are unique to the present power structure, or have they been used by administration after administration over the years in an effort to maintain power in the US?

Perhaps the biggest question of all is, are these tactics proper to use, or do they skew the democratic process in favor of one party retaining power? Perhaps my thinking is naïve, but I still believe that America should be a place governed by the will of the people, and I believe deceiving the American people to be the quickest way to destroy the democracy so many have fought to preserve. I don’t have all the answers, certainly, but I hope the answers are found before the elections so we can see a fair election in two weeks.

Life Is a Carnival

2006-10-22T13:25:00.000-04:00

A quick note on the carnival front before I write a serious post about the life in Bush’s America and the upcoming elections.

On Wednesday, I am hosting the Carnival of the Liberals, which I’m very psyched for. I have a bunch of submissions already, but would love to receive your submission as well (you will submit!). So if you have a liberal post you would like included in the Carnival of the Liberals, feel free to submit it at the submission site. It would be great if I could receive submissions by Tuesday, 10/24.

Also, we are anticipating the posting of Haveil Havelim on the Soccer Dad blog sometime today. This is a great weekly carnival of the best posts from the Jewish blogosphere, and will provide some great reading material for people of all backgrounds. So if you’re interested in some good Sunday reading, check it out.

Anyway, I look forward to reading your post, and including it Carnival of the Liberals. So submit your favorite liberal post, and check in Wednesday to see what your peers are writing about. I look forward to reading your work.

Filling the Empty Spaces

2006-10-19T22:59:00.000-04:00

So many nights I’ve come into my home to find it empty, dark and gloomy. 39 years old and living all alone, it sometimes is a hard thing to come into an empty apartment with nothing to face but my own thoughts. But all that changed yesterday.

There has been a woman (not a girl) I have been spending time with lately, a very close friend who is more of a soul mate then anything else. She’s a wonderful new addition to my life, and a few times she’s even stayed over. And while she has her own room to crash out in, it’s amazing how much it changes the dynamic, and my own mood, to have the company.

So far it’s been one night here, one night there, and each night wonderful for me. Those nights have been followed with multiple nights where I’m all alone, and at those times I’ve longed for the nights with my friend. So lately we have talked about her moving in, something that would be great for me. Well, last night we did a trial run, which included bringing her cats to the apartment.

The difference is amazing. Suddenly there is life everywhere in my apartment. I sit down, and the cats are right there to greet me, to look for affection, and to cheer me up. The woman is here too, her positive attitude, amazing voice, and upbeat ways filling my life with song. And her presence, all of their presence, makes me happy.

Normally, I try to extend whatever activities I do, staving off the time where I have to arrive home to my barren locale. But today, I nearly rushed home to the feeling of warmth that has become my apartment. I walked in and was greeted by all three individuals, and the feeling that I, truly, was not alone. It’s an amazing feeling that I feel down deep in my soul.

In some ways I had grown to accept that my life was going to be one alone, as I had also grown to accept the loneliness and certain amount of sorrow that came with my lot in life. For years, that has been my expectation, and I have been ok with it, even if it wouldn’t be my choice. So this is an unexpected surprise, and a great one.

I’ve heard more than once that perhaps the relationship isn’t healthy, that maybe it’s moved to fast or is co-dependant. But you know, to me I couldn’t imagine anything healthier. It is happiness incarnate, a big change for the better in my life, and all because of one very special woman. Who would have thunk it?

Ecstasy and Agony

2006-10-16T15:52:00.000-04:00

Doesn’t it seem sometimes when life is just hitting the high notes that the walls come crashing down upon you? This seems to be a theme for me in recent times, and one that has been very painful.

This weekend was a wonderful one, a weekend I will remember for a long time. I have made a new friend, a woman and a very special one. We went up to Niagara Falls, did a bit of gambling (we lost), walked around the falls, ate some good meals, and even headed up to Niagara on the Lake. I originally was attracted, but we have settled into a good friendship, no, a great friendship, and I couldn’t be happier.

She’s a kindred spirit, not only because we like and dislike so many of the same things, but because we see the world in the same way, have similar senses of humor, similar philosophies, and in many ways she’s wiped away so much of the hurt that has tainted the past few years of my life. What has developed may not have been what I originally hoped for, but it is more than I could have ever expected!

Also over the weekend, the radio station finally went back on the air. What a relief to hear that, finally, after two weeks, we are broadcasting again. Everything is running off of my computer now, which will hopefully prevent more of these long-lasting breakdowns. And the project, BigDawgRadio, which I have put so much time and energy into, survives, lifting a great weight off my shoulders.

I went into today feeling great, like life was finally turning a better direction. Ah, how short lived!

I went to a meeting today, and was confronted by a person who’s been a good friend, a nice person, a really positive influence in my life. Evidently I’ve offended her greatly, and she wants nothing to do with me. I sent her a nice email, explaining that I didn’t know what I had done, but that I’m sorry for it, and how strongly I feel about her. She wrote back that she refused to read it, and would not want to hear from me again.

Maybe it’s a cosmic balance, than when so much goes right, something must go wrong. Perhaps I did something in making the first two things work to make the third situation collapse completely. Or it might be just timing, the way things work out sometimes, coincidence rearing its ugly head. But sometimes I just wish that, even for a little while, things would just stay good, that the highs would not be followed by the lows.

Maybe I’m asking for too much!

Buffalo Blizzard vs. Rochester Sunny Day: God Has a Sense of Humor

2006-10-13T10:46:00.000-04:00

Buffalo and Rochester are a mere 60 miles apart, that span covered by lakes which generally increase the snowy weather in both locals. I’ve only been in Rochester a short time, but it’s already been enough time to know that both it and Buffalo get pummeled by winter storms, normally simultaneously.

Areas of Buffalo received between 8 and 24 inches of snow last night and this morning. The city experienced downed limbs and power lines, while dozens of schools were closed and 80% of all roads were considered impassible. Even the New York State Thruway between Rochester and Buffalo is closed at this very moment. Only one problem: here in Rochester, there is no snow.

Last night, I was driving around a pretty fair portion of the evening, and we got flurries, and that’s it. I look out the window this morning, and the sun is shining, the pavement is clean and dry, and there is no snow on the windshields of the cars in the parking lot. I’m watching the Rochester news, and nope, not one word about a heavy snow fall here in Rochester. Frankly, it looks like a nice day for a bike ride!

While in Buffalo, the snow continues to fall. It’s said to be the earliest heavy snowfall ever experienced in Western New York, and in a region that is amazing adept at dealing with snow efficiently, much of the region was caught unprepared. So while the majority of the Buffalo area remains in a state of emergency, Rochester enjoys a beautiful fall day!

Latest Rave Allows Dancing To Your Own Beat

2006-10-12T10:31:00.000-04:00

A very cool article in The Daily Mail today tells of a new, more technologically advanced type of rave. And frankly, I want in!

Hundreds of people arrived at England’s Liverpool Street Station armed with their iPods and dancing shoes, participating in a new activity called Mobile Clubbing. Each of them had received an email telling the time and place, and they loaded up their iPods with their favorite dance music, and descended on the station.

No need for any huge PA system. No need for a DJ to host the event. Really, they didn’t even need to disrupt traffic at the typically busy station. They just showed up and started dancing. People went to get their trains home from work, and a party broke out.

Now, I must say that I would think the dancing would be a bit tougher, in that everyone would be dancing to different music. How do you find a partner, when the beats can be so radically different? Maybe they all need to download a podcast of a good DJ (anyone know a good DJ?) playing cool dance tunes.

Still, the concept of a rave breaking out in the middle of a train station, with passengers seeing the station flooded with dancers but hearing no music, that is a site I would like to see. Think we can arrange one at Grand Central Station? How about the stairs of Congress? Put on your dancing shoes, because baby, I’m in!

Are Girls Evil?

2006-10-12T00:58:00.000-04:00

I received a mathematical proof by email today. Now it’s possible, of course, that all of you have seen this. And what’s more, I’m not too sure I agree with it (frankly, I’m rather fond of the fairer sex). But I figured, at the very least, it was worthy of a little dialogue, debate, or what not. So let me here your thoughts on this basic mathematical proof:

Need an argument against this being true? I present you with Jessica Alba!

So do you think girls are evil? Let me hear your comments!

New Mohammed Cartoon Video Broadcast by Danish State Television

2006-10-10T15:35:00.000-04:00

For the past couple weeks I have been away from my computer, and really the last month I’ve been swamped. So coming back I needed a topic to talk about, something important, with the potential to be Earth shattering or to be a flash in the pan. Something no one was talking about and everyone should be. Wow, I came back on the right day. There were so many intriguing stories in the news that many smaller stories were falling through the cracks. My attention was drawn by this headline, from 4 hours ago:

“Muslims Angry at New Danish Cartoons Scandal”

My heart sank as I read that one. I supported the right to publish the Mohammed cartoons last August, though I feel that often the issue was exacerbated by a certain amount of insensitivity to the Islamic community as a whole. I was happy when the protests began to cool down, and felt at many times like it could have been a spark-plug issue to a larger-scale war that the world seems to be moving towards. I also felt like certain governments were pushing the all-out war agenda. Thus, I had no desire to hear the issue was alive again.

The issue was revived after the airing on Danish state television of an amateur video showing members of an anti-immigrant Danish People’s Party holding a contest to draw images mocking the prophet. The video is from a youth group summer camp, and the participants had been drinking. The cartoons depict a camel with the head of Mohammed and beer cans for humps and an equation showing a Muslim man + a bomb = a terrorist.

The organization of the Islamic Conference, the largest international Muslim body and a representative of 57 nations, strongly condemned the airing of this video on the Danish state television. "The running of the footage affected the sensibilities of civilised people and religious beliefs of one fifth of humanity," the OIC said. Just hours after the footage was shown, the Danish foreign ministry cautioned travelers to avoid 10 Middle Eastern And other reaction?

Indonesian Muslim groups have said they were insulted by the video and Egypt's largest Islamic group, the Muslim Brotherhood, denounced what it called "new Danish insults". In Iran, the president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad commented: "If someone enjoys an iota of humanity and wisdom then he will not insult and offend the shining holy presence of Muhammad," according to national television.

Think back to the protests that spread across Europe and Asia this past winter over twelve more benign cartoons. However, that was a public contest versus an amateur video the youth of a right wing group produced. Still, the fact that part of the video was shown on the state television raised the stakes. Plus, only a segment was shown; the content of the remainder of the tape are still in question.

It’s hard to say whether broadcast of this tape will turn into an issue or not. But tread carefully; it is a tumultuous time in our history, and perhaps it’s the wrong time to stomping on the collective feelings of our growing adversary.

technorati tags: Mohammed, Danish, Cartoons, Islam, Protest

Image above is from The Guardian of a Danish Islamic man at prayer.

Hysterical Photography Contest

2006-10-10T00:42:00.000-04:00

I got back to my computer after a bit of time away, and before getting into a post, decided to do a bit of fun surfing. I ran across this contest at FlyAboveAll where people submitted pictures of owners who looked like their dogs.

OK, WOW! One of them really needs to go to the barber, you can decide which one. Though I don't know if it's better to look like your dog or to try to look like your dog?

OK, do the dog and ownder share the same gene pool?

Anyway, there are lots of cute pictures of people and their pets that I'm sure you'll enjoy. So check it out, and chill with the puppy power!

Ripple On Still Waters: Charles Carl Roberts IV Attacks Purity Itself

2006-10-03T11:12:00.000-04:00

I couldn’t help but be shocked and stunned by the deadly murder-suicide by Charles Carl Roberts IV, the 3rd school-related shooting in the past two weeks. This shooting was in my back yard, practically; I lived 20 miles from Lancaster Country, worked that exact town, and have driven by the school house in question a hundred times. But my proximity to the crime is not what made it stand out to me.

The real horror is the feeling of defilement in this particular crime. In so many ways, it was the purest aspects of life that converged at the heart of this crime, and as the after-affects are felt for years to come, they will be marked against the purity that could have been. Ripple on still water, when there is no pebble tossed nor wind to blow; disturbing this relative calm is quite disturbing indeed.

This attack fell upon on a predominantly Amish community, a pond of calm indeed. The Amish consistently strive for simplicity, a plain existence based upon the concept that pride should be avoided at all costs. What’s more, the killer is a milk man, and is there any profession purer than the milkman, really? I can’t help but draw on images of early sitcoms with men in all white outfits and huge smiles.

But 20 years ago, someone did something, who knows what, I think we can all guess was a horrible act. The perpetrator of that act probably thought it was an isolated action, but we are now seeing that this was the first pebble on the water, creating a ripple effect that we just felt, and that may be felt for years to come.

In the movie “Unforgiven”, Clint Eastwood makes the comment: “Hell of a thing, killin’ a man. Takes away all he is, and all he’s ever gonna be.” In the case of 12 girls, who knows the infinite potential that Roberts has taken away from society? The huge tragedy of taking a child’s life is compounded by the fact that we haven’t yet begun to figure out what their potential is, or what their destiny is. And now we will never know, as the ripple expands.

Being girls, the ripples here extend even further. Being a female life taken, who knows what life would have been brought into the world by the woman? One school of thought says that the person who helps this society reach its pinnacle will have to come from a society untouched by the violence and hatred of the world; well, perhaps that person we all hope for in troubled times has been taken from us now pre-nattily.

The ripple expands ever outwards, touching the entire Amish community, bringing them into a world which they have always strived to avoid. What will this generation of Amish people have to experience that others avoided? Security at their schools, weapons in their homes, who knows? Without question, word will spread of this, and the little aspects that defined the Amish people will alter, with potential long-term affects.

And where will the next pebble be tossed? Who from this tragedy will be so affected that they continue the cycle of violence? The worst case scenario is, of course, that an Amish person, a family member of a victim, will take some form of revenge, marking a huge shift from the peaceful potential of life to the harsh violence of revenge. But it could just as easily be the children of Roberts, or the non-Amish friends of the victims down the road. Still, pebbles may be falling from this for years.

The pebbles need not be as extreme as total revenge, either. I suspect that if Roberts had been set off by a murder, we would know about it already. Even the general depression, personality changes, and more violent nature that may result from losing a loved one, whether it is one of the children from the school house or a beloved father or spouse, can act as the pebble that starts the next ripple.

The incredibly smooth surface of this pond puts the ripples into stark relief, and I suspect it will make the ripples more and more visible as the years go on. Ripple on still water. I suspect that Charles Carl Roberts IV will have a profound effect on more than just the community he attacked yesterday.

technorati tags: Roberts, Charles Carl Roberts IV, Amish, Lancaster, Murder, Unforgiven, Revenge

Same Bat Time, Same Bat Channel…But New Co-Host! Plus Credits to Give Away

2006-09-29T11:50:00.000-04:00

I must say I haven’t been as psyched for a radio show as I am for tonights in a long time.  Why, you may ask? Because I’m proud to introduce my new co-host, DJ Danelle!

Danelle brings a cutting edge new sound to the show, adding a thorough knowledge of alternative music to my existing music library, adding newer, cutting edge music into the mix and allowing us to play some of the better alternative requests I have been receiving. Add in that her voice will turn any guy’s knees weak in like 2 seconds flat, and she’s going to be a great addition to the show!

This means tonight’s show, which starts at 9pm est will be filled with energy and fun, and I hope you’ll be along for the ride. The request pages are up and have approximately 8500 songs for you to choose from, including a whole bunch of new tracks, so feel free to go to BigDawgRadio, turn on the tunes, and request a whole bunch of songs!

Plus, if you don’t find what you’re looking for on the request pages, just ask for it in the chat rooms. I will be hanging out in two chat rooms tonight: the BlogExplosion Shoutbox and the 3 Paws Saloon Chat. Plus, you can add your request as a comment here, or at BigDawgRadio’s Shoutbox. Wherever you add it, DJ Danelle and I will play it.

Not only that, but I’m so psyched about tonight’s show, I have 2000 BE credits to give away throughout the night, with no rhyme or reason to how I will dole them out.  One easy way to get credits is to give me some suggestions here for artists that I should add into the request pages; I’ll definitely reward good suggestions!

So tune in for the fun! We’ll play for 4 hours with the goal of playing nothing but requests the whole way.  Why?  Because this is your station, BigDawgRadio.  And, in the immortal words of the Big Dawg….AWOOOOF! See you tonight.

T.O. : Suicide or Searching for Sympathy?

2006-09-28T10:38:00.001-04:00

The soap opera called “The Life and Times of Terrell Owens” is on again. This time, T.O. claims to have attempted suicide. No wait, check that, he claimed to have over dosed on pain killers. Nope, hold the presses, it was an allergic reaction.

Terrell Owens has proven a few things over his NFL career. First, there is no question he’s an amazing receiver. Second, he loves one person and one person alone: Terrell Owens. Third, and perhaps foremost, he loves only one thing more than Terrell Owens: that is the attention that the media provides the star-studded receiver.

Owens came to Philly with some demand, as he is an extremely talented receiver. Still, many teams shied away from him because of his off-the-field antics that served as a distraction for his first team, the San Francisco 49ers. He brought both the talent and the controversy to Philly, with his talent elevating the level of play to Super Bowl caliber but then dividing and destroying a team that was on the cusp of greatness for years.

T.O found much less demand this year, after Philly refused to work with him any longer. Only two teams would even consider taking the ultra-talented receiver, and he wound up going to Bill Parcels-led Dallas, where there was certainly the talent around him to show off his incredible skills. One problem, though: Bill Parcels is all about team, and will never let an individual’s antics overshadow the team.

During the off-season, Owens was a distraction with his phantom hamstring injury that remarkably healed when Parcels moved from public criticism to docking his paycheck. During the first game, T.O. played really well, and looked like a serious asset for Dallas. The only problem was that the media hardly focused on Owens. So we knew there would be problems.

Week 2, Owens breaks a finger during the game, but stays in the game, dropping a ton of passes and looking not-so-good. You can see the shock on his face in the press conferences when the questions are asked about his perhaps selfishness in playing as opposed to his courage in playing through the injury. He focuses on his remarkable healing skills, and how he’ll be back ahead of schedule.

During the bye week, it must have been ultimate frustration to Owens to have Parcels deflect questions about the receiver, just indicating that he is healing nicely, and going no farther. I can imagine him now trying to figure out how to drag the spotlight back over to camp Owens. Well, he found a way.

It’s no surprise that Owens was depressed, since no one was talking about him. He probably thought that the suicide angle would give him lots of publicity, until he realized that NFL rules would prohibit him from playing until he had a complete psychological analysis and was cleared by a shrink. Then it’s an OD, but oh no, drug policies prohibit that. So it’s an allergic reaction.

You bet it’s an allergic reaction: T.O. is allergic to being out of the spotlight. Any time the attention isn’t focused on him, he does whatever he has to do to pull the spotlight back in his direction, and later lets the people who work for him pick up the pieces. So to everyone who has followed this story, you’ve just been played by Camp Owens. Me too. Maybe sooner or later I’ll wise up, and realize you can’t trust anything he says.

technorati tags: Owens, Terrell Owens, Parcels, Dallas, Cowboys, TO, Football, Suicide, Sympathy

T.O. : Suicide or Searching for Sympathy?

2006-09-28T10:38:00.000-04:00

technorati tags: Owens, Terrell Owens, Parcels, Dallas, Cowboys, TO, Football, Suicide, Sympathy