Tuesday, September 19, 2006


How come sometimes I feel loneliest when I’m with someone?  The question baffles me, perhaps even haunts me as I move into another day, another challenge, another shot at making things turn out in some sort of positive way.  

I’ve been working on myself for months now, focusing most of my time on self-improvement, on fixing the flaws of character that have held me back for years. Along this path, I have met many people who have been struggling with the same issues I struggle with, and I’ve connected with these people, bonded with them. They are an important part of my life.

Without this group of friends, this fantastic group of people whom I care about and who have become like family to me, I wouldn’t be able to make the necessary changes in my life.  The process would be too difficult for me, and I would certainly fold under the pressure. But with their help, I find strength, serenity, and whatever is necessary to keep working towards my goals.

But the worst time is in the night.  When I get home from being with the people that have become both friends and instruments of my improvement, I am faced with nothing but my own thoughts, feelings, and hurts. These friends are no longer around me, no longer there to support me, to help me get through the moments that are too hard for any individual to bear.

Last night, one of these people was really struggling, was having a really difficult time, and I invited her into my home for the night.  I just wanted to be a friend to her, and to let her know that she wasn’t all alone, while protecting her from the dangers that lay outside of here. But in the end I guess that only she could protect herself in her mind, and that I could do very little for her.

There was certainly a selfish component; I thought that, in the night, when I am most vulnerable to the pressures of my life, she would be there, and I would not be friendless and the scariest of hours.  But instead, I found myself finding no comfort for my issues, and only trying to help with hers, a process which I could never accomplish.

You know, I still did the right thing, helping out a person who needed help, and I wouldn’t change that. In the end, my goal is to be a good person, the type of person who would help a friend who needs a hand.  But I wake up today feeling more alone then ever, suffering her personal barbs she spews as she tries to excise the demons that haunt her.  It’s not her fault, but they hurt none the less.

Perhaps I was meant to learn this lesson, or maybe things will be different with different people, I don’t know.  But I must say that my attempts to stave off the loneliness of the night have pretty much backfired on me, at least this time. Who knows what tomorrow may bring?


Posted by Scottage at 10:03 AM / | |