Perspectives of a Nomad: 2007-12-30

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Darkness

Today I’m weary beyond words. Perhaps it’s the hard work I put in all semester to pick up grades in grad school. Maybe it’s the difficulty I’ve had sleeping of late. It may be the emotional stress of watching the people I love the most detach from me. Or maybe it’s the unknown issue that my subconscious knows but I have not realized yet.

But regardless of the reason, my exhaustion grows. I went to two meetings today; the first I could barely stay awake in, the second; I couldn’t even achieve that, falling asleep constantly and waking up nearly immediately, falling over in my chair and letting out occasional snores.

I long to talk to my best friend about this, but she needs her space. It would be wonderful to have her say something comforting, to tell me that it’s all going to be ok, but that’s not my, destiny for today. It would be great to have a family to lean on, but that is not my destiny either. Today, I have my higher power, my steps and my fellowship, and that is all.

Even as I type this my eyes close. I grow weary with the weight of all that has befallen me. Part of me thinks my load would be lightened by a drink, but I know that a short time later my payload would be tripled. I need to use these tools, and deal with the task at hand. That is my destiny for today.

I admit it, I’m scared to close my eyes, scared of the darkness, scared of never waking up again, a path that was so welcome for so long, and that I fight against today. But I must close my eyes, staying alert is no longer a question of will, there is a will all its own. And I must submit to it. I am powerless!

And so I close my eyes, and the darkness closes in around me. Maybe for tonight, maybe for longer. Maybe it will be the darkness of sleep, maybe it will be the darkness of loneliness, and maybe it will be the darkness of death. But the darkness is here, no matter what I say. The darkness surrounds me, consumes me. And though I pray for light, darkness is all I find.