Thursday, October 19, 2006
Filling the Empty Spaces
So many nights I’ve come into my home to find it empty, dark and gloomy. 39 years old and living all alone, it sometimes is a hard thing to come into an empty apartment with nothing to face but my own thoughts. But all that changed yesterday.
There has been a woman (not a girl) I have been spending time with lately, a very close friend who is more of a soul mate then anything else. She’s a wonderful new addition to my life, and a few times she’s even stayed over. And while she has her own room to crash out in, it’s amazing how much it changes the dynamic, and my own mood, to have the company.
So far it’s been one night here, one night there, and each night wonderful for me. Those nights have been followed with multiple nights where I’m all alone, and at those times I’ve longed for the nights with my friend. So lately we have talked about her moving in, something that would be great for me. Well, last night we did a trial run, which included bringing her cats to the apartment.
The difference is amazing. Suddenly there is life everywhere in my apartment. I sit down, and the cats are right there to greet me, to look for affection, and to cheer me up. The woman is here too, her positive attitude, amazing voice, and upbeat ways filling my life with song. And her presence, all of their presence, makes me happy.
Normally, I try to extend whatever activities I do, staving off the time where I have to arrive home to my barren locale. But today, I nearly rushed home to the feeling of warmth that has become my apartment. I walked in and was greeted by all three individuals, and the feeling that I, truly, was not alone. It’s an amazing feeling that I feel down deep in my soul.
In some ways I had grown to accept that my life was going to be one alone, as I had also grown to accept the loneliness and certain amount of sorrow that came with my lot in life. For years, that has been my expectation, and I have been ok with it, even if it wouldn’t be my choice. So this is an unexpected surprise, and a great one.
I’ve heard more than once that perhaps the relationship isn’t healthy, that maybe it’s moved to fast or is co-dependant. But you know, to me I couldn’t imagine anything healthier. It is happiness incarnate, a big change for the better in my life, and all because of one very special woman. Who would have thunk it?
Posted by Scottage at 10:59 PM /
Monday, October 16, 2006
Ecstasy and Agony
Doesn’t it seem sometimes when life is just hitting the high notes that the walls come crashing down upon you? This seems to be a theme for me in recent times, and one that has been very painful.
This weekend was a wonderful one, a weekend I will remember for a long time. I have made a new friend, a woman and a very special one. We went up to Niagara Falls, did a bit of gambling (we lost), walked around the falls, ate some good meals, and even headed up to Niagara on the Lake. I originally was attracted, but we have settled into a good friendship, no, a great friendship, and I couldn’t be happier.
She’s a kindred spirit, not only because we like and dislike so many of the same things, but because we see the world in the same way, have similar senses of humor, similar philosophies, and in many ways she’s wiped away so much of the hurt that has tainted the past few years of my life. What has developed may not have been what I originally hoped for, but it is more than I could have ever expected!
Also over the weekend, the radio station finally went back on the air. What a relief to hear that, finally, after two weeks, we are broadcasting again. Everything is running off of my computer now, which will hopefully prevent more of these long-lasting breakdowns. And the project, BigDawgRadio, which I have put so much time and energy into, survives, lifting a great weight off my shoulders.
I went into today feeling great, like life was finally turning a better direction. Ah, how short lived!
I went to a meeting today, and was confronted by a person who’s been a good friend, a nice person, a really positive influence in my life. Evidently I’ve offended her greatly, and she wants nothing to do with me. I sent her a nice email, explaining that I didn’t know what I had done, but that I’m sorry for it, and how strongly I feel about her. She wrote back that she refused to read it, and would not want to hear from me again.
Maybe it’s a cosmic balance, than when so much goes right, something must go wrong. Perhaps I did something in making the first two things work to make the third situation collapse completely. Or it might be just timing, the way things work out sometimes, coincidence rearing its ugly head. But sometimes I just wish that, even for a little while, things would just stay good, that the highs would not be followed by the lows.
Maybe I’m asking for too much!
Posted by Scottage at 3:52 PM /