Wednesday, April 04, 2007

The Rat Trap

It’s the endless loop in your head, where one thought keeps spinning around and around. A million times I try to push that thought out of my head, but it doesn’t work. The thought is stuck in the rat trap, haunting me, keeping me up at night and providing an endless fountain of sorrow in my waking moments.

My belief is that everyone experiences the rat trap. Do you? Are you plagued by thoughts which simply can’t be pushed out of your consciousness? I bet you do. I bet the rat trap exists in your head, just waiting for the thought that can’t be evicted.

The thought is invariably something which I have difficulty accepting. I strive for acceptance, for the ability to let go of a situation which I have no control over, but acceptance does not come. Instead, I think of every thing I can do to change circumstances, and the result of my action, and my reaction to the result of my initial reaction. This is truly the rat trap in motion.

A million permutations, a million consequences; the rat trap whizzes around at amazing speed, providing me with all the possibilities until I can fixate on one that pleases me, one result that works for me. I am the director, and if everyone follows my direction, I will have a result that I can live with, that pleases me. My will can be accomplished.

Then, something happens. Normally, it’s something I never anticipated, something I never would have guessed in a million years. Perhaps I needed a million and one permutations. But this keeps the rat trap in motion, spinning around, examining a million new consequences of a million actions I can take.

I strive for acceptance of the many things which I can’t control, but today I don’t know how to achieve it. It doesn’t matter what thought sticks in the rat trap, its existence is the real enemy. But maybe, by working on my understanding of myself, I can dismantle the rat trap, and learn acceptance of the situations I can’t control.

Posted by Scottage at 1:16 AM / | |