Thursday, July 19, 2007

Accepting the Difficult Day

I don’t know why, exactly, but today was a hard day for me. All the sudden, without warning, all the sadness and disappointment from the past few weeks just built up on me, and caved in my world. I can’t put my finger on how this feeling came upon me, and so I have trouble knowing how to get rid of it. All I know is that this feeling of happiness that has been prevalent in my life most of the time lately escaped me today, and I want it back.

In general, I’ve been trying to accept things more and more these days, and to realize that things will happen as they’re meant to happen. I have no control over most of what happens in my life, and the more I can take events in stride, the happier I am, and the happier I’ll be. Crazily enough, as I accept more, I have to practice acceptance less, as it just becomes natural to accept situations as they are.

So why now, when my life has improved so much over the past number of months, am I suddenly so down? Why all the sudden do I feel like isolating myself, and holing up in my apartment, preventing the worries of the world from getting in? Why do I suddenly find myself wanting a drink again, after nearly 8 months sober?

I think it’s because I’m beginning to look for my own will to be done again. And that is always a recipe for failure!

For example, my sponsee has been drinking again, and seems suicidal and very depressed. It’s hard to see, after such a long period where he really seemed healthier. I wanted him to stay sober, and to see where his own behavior was bringing about his unhappiness. I thought I could help him see the issues he was having trouble with, and to fix these problems. But that’s my will, and perhaps it’s not his time yet.

I went into my group today, and we dealt with an issue that is particularly troubling for me. I tried to get some time, and to address how the issue made me feel, and got shut out by another member of my group who first spoke for a long time, and then took time to convince another woman, who is new in the group, to talk. This is a common occurrence in this new group, and it really got to me. But maybe I’m not supposed to talk, maybe I just need to listen.

There’s a woman I’m crazy about, someone so special I am continually amazed by her. We have been close since we met, but she’s always maintained she couldn’t get into a real relationship with me. Yesterday she changed her mind, and said she was ready to start a real relationship, only to change her mind later in the day and decide that a relationship wasn’t in her best interest. Perhaps I’m not meant to be with her, but after having gotten my hopes up, they came crashing down.

These situations, and many others, have become a major part of my life. Perhaps they’re meant to be, perhaps I need to live through these situations, and learn how to deal with them, to grow as a person. But as it stands, I wind up feeling exhausted and hurt. I know that I need to accept the situations as they are, but lately my desires and my will have also been gaining a voice in my head, and that is leading me towards disappointment.

I know the dangers of pushing for my will, and in all of the situations mentioned before and the others I’ve faced recently, I’ve made a point to be as accepting as possible, and to not get outwardly upset. But what I really need to do is redouble my efforts to accept God’s will over my own, and to know that things will turn out the way they are meant to, and with good reason. That includes having the occasional bad day. Only then can I be truly happy with the events that take place in my life.

Image courtesy of Everyday People Cartoons

Posted by Scottage at 12:21 AM / | |