Friday, July 27, 2007

Rationally vs. Emotionally

I feel completely out of control, have all day. Rationally, it makes no sense to me. But rationality has little effect over my feelings.

Emotionally, I feel completely abandoned. The woman I love has simply cut me out of their life. Rationally, again, that may be the best thing for me. But emotionally, it’s driving me crazy. I feel like one day the person I cared about most cared about me, even said she loved me. Then one day it turned on a dime, and I ceased to exist to her.

Emotionally, I sense that she knows me well enough to know how much I’m hurting, and she does nothing, doesn’t write, call or communicate in any way. Rationally, I know that even a short message saying she hopes I’m ok would make all the difference in the world, but I also know I have no control over whether she contacts me or not.

Rationally I think all the right things: powerless over her actions, accept the things I cannot change, let go and let God. But my emotions say something different: find me a long term solution to a short term problem. Find a way to shut off, permanently, the emotions that plague me so today. Find a way out.

Rationally I know that my life has been so much better since I got sober. For many months now, I’ve felt like a new man. I feel better about myself, I connect with people around me and try to help them when I’m able. But my emotions say I’m nowhere, I’m lost…lost to myself, lost to everyone around me.

Rationally I know not to do anything about the emotions, and rationality will rule the day. But the emotions still cycle through my head, telling me all the wrong things, making me feel like running away. So all I can do is pray, and go to sleep. And hopefully tomorrow will be an easier day.

Posted by Scottage at 12:43 AM / | |