Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Heading Home, and Back to my Teenage Years

July 4th weekend, and I went home to Philadelphia for a reunion with my father’s side of the family. I arrived home today, having returned a day early, and much more confused than when I arrived.

On one hand, it is always wonderful to see my family, especially my nieces and nephews. Having no kids of my own, I really love these kids. I don’t get to see them that often, but they are a special part of my life, and there is nothing I wouldn’t do for them.  So it’s wonderful to see them; they’ve grown so much, with ages between 1-9, and each is developing their own special personality.  I wouldn’t have missed the opportunity to see them for the world.

But on the flip side, while my parents have hearts of gold and great intentions, they unintentionally push my buttons on a regular basis. Away from home, I’m working on myself, on my ego and the various aspects of my personality which need improvement with I think great results. At home, I immediately recess to my 18-year-old personality, with all the defects and immaturities that I have grown to hate in myself.

I had only been in Philadelphia a couple days, and already I could feel my recent progress crumbling away. And so finally, I had to leave, to head home to my protect little corner of the world, even though it meant leaving the kids behind. It was a difficult decision, but in the end of the day, I think the improvements I’m making on myself are important, and I need to protect them. I worry about having hurt the feelings of family members, but I did what I had to do.

Sometimes, I think its difficult being a member of a family.  I do feel guilty about having left, and I miss having spent more time with the kids. But I think that I did the right thing, that at this point in my life I need to be a bit selfish about my progress as a person, as I try to become someone better, someone more productive and better to be around.  But it wasn’t easy, and tonight I’m filled with remorse.  At least, however, I’m filled with remorse in my own safe environment.

Posted by Scottage at 10:45 PM / | |